Hope you enjoyed these as part of April Fools’ for 2019. Cheers all!
World of Warcraft Patch 8.6.7 Build 5309
Update Notes WIP DO NOT RELEASE
April 1, 2019
Companion App Update: Findr
Find your next tank, healer, or damage dealer at a glance with the latest update to the WoW Companion App: Findr. When you open the Findr feature, you’ll be presented with a picture and a brief description of another player, and you can decide whether they’d be the right match for your party. Features include:
• Glance at a player’s gear and achievement points for 3 seconds (maximum) before making a snap judgment about how well they’ll tank your Mythic Keystone run.
• Swipe right to request a match and immediately send a party invitation.
• Swipe left to completely dismiss the player’s entire existence; this is completely anonymous, distancing you from the other player’s growing vortex of self-doubt.
• Once a match has been made, option to not message them right away, which makes it look like you’re super busy and use Findr all the time.
When the time is right, gather your new groupmates together, and head off to whatever adventures lay in store!
- “Shell Game” can now be attempted on Mythic difficulty, featuring a 64x64 grid.
- Following the success of the Comp Stomp PvP Brawl, which allowed a team of AI-controller characters to battle real players in Arathi Basin, we are now allowing teams of AI characters to complete dungeons.
- Riverbud is now legal in Drustvar, Stormsong Valley, and Tiragarde Sound.
- Riverbud remains illegal in Kul Tiras.
- Blood elves now have short-eared cosmetic options.
- The human racial ability that allows you to escape has been renamed. It is now called Every Skinny Kul Tiran for Himself.
- New Runeforging trait: Emboss your weapon with the ability to transport you to Bolvar. You should talk to your death dad more often, my dude.
- New Death Knight travel form: Death Leopard
- Blood Death Knights may no longer select the Heartbreaker talent during the Love Is in the Air event, you monsters.
- The Bloody Runeblade Azerite trait can’t believe the news today. Runeblade, Bloody Runeblade.
- Recent alternative healer disciplines have resulted in a resurgence of Virulent Plague.
- Due to a general lack of demons in Battle for Azeroth, the Illidari have begun looking for new sources of souls.
- Insatiable Hunger has been trying out intermittent fasting and is seeing some great results.
- After poor results from a recent structural inspection, all Eye Beams are being upgraded for greater load capacity.
- Blizzard: Druids don’t wear clothing, they just shapeshift themselves to appear like they do.
- Feral Druids can now be crowd-controlled by throwing a slice of cheese on their head.
- Groups of 5 Feral Druids can come together to form one super-bot.
- Due to noise complaints, Stonebark has been fitted with a shock collar.
- Soul of the Forest has been donated to Demon Hunters.
- Hati went to live on a farm with grandpa Rexxar. We promise you, Hati is in a better place.
- Due to safety concerns, Hunter transmogrification options have been limited to armor pieces that are orange in color.
- Pets that meet certain size and weight restrictions may now travel with you on flight paths.
- Survival Hunters may now equip quivers.
- Please stop overfeeding your cat pets. It’s unhealthy for them, even if they’re adorable chonkers.
- The Mage class mount has been re-released as a digital download for those without a disc drive.
- Aluneth now responds to voice commands. Examples include:
- “Aluneth, reorder my mats.”
- “Aluneth, set a timer for raid.”
- “Aluneth, play ‘Despacito.’”
- Due to global warming, Glacial Spike is now 20% smaller every year.
- Flame Patch has been renamed to Flame Content Update.
- Blazing Soul has been donated to Demon Hunters.
- Conjure Refreshment now creates Arcanado Toast.
- A Brewmaster got into the Whirling Dragon Punch. You should probably take it easy.
- Mist Wrap has been upgraded to Mist Wrap Supreme, which includes sour cream and cheese.
- Dampen Harm has been removed. Harm is damp enough already. You might even call it moist.
- Tiger’s Lust is now rated T for Teen.
- Light of Dawn is now more energy efficient and automatically turns off if you leave the room.
- First Avenger only understood a few of the references in these patch notes.
- Repentance has been renamed “Shame.” It now has 3 charges, which can be reset by ringing a bell.
- Inquisition is now baseline, and activates randomly without warning. No one expects Inquisition!
- Knaifu has been renamed “Bae Blade.”
- Bae Blade’s whispers are now more encouraging.
- Bae Blade is now your life coach.
- You can do it, sweetie.
- Last Word is now a mandatory talent choice. You should always try to get Last Word in.
- Auspicious Spirits has been increased. It is now 40% more auspicious.
- Circle of Healing is now available in other useful shapes.
- The Demon Hunters got into Body and Soul, but didn’t quite know what to do with half of it, so it’s just Body now.
- Fan of Knives is no longer suitable for displaying on your bedroom wall at your age, Randy.
- Because you can’t stop being children with abbreviations, Assassination has been renamed. It is now known as “Sneaky Stab Guy.”
- To promote class fantasy, Vendetta has had its cooldown increased by 40 years.
- It’s been almost 15 years and Shadowstrike still reminds you of that one polearm nobody wanted in Molten Core.
- Soul Shadows (Artifact Trait) has been donated to Demon Hunters.
- In an effort to make the Rogue class appeal to a younger audience, Shadow Dance has been given some more modern styles:
- Shadow Yeet
- Shadow Floss
- Shadow Dab
- Shaman totems now come in a tote(m) bag, which you can receive by sending a generous donation to the Earthen Ring.
- Sundering now requires specific garments be worn in order to be used. You must always equip clean Sunderwear.
- Static Charge is now 50% more effective when on carpet.
- Call the Thunder would really like you to start texting instead. It’s 2019.
- Liquid Magma Totem has been renamed Magma Totem, because what other kind of magma would it be?
- Warlocks are refusing to share their souls with Demon Hunters.
- Almost certainly unrelated to the above, several Warlock spells seem to have gone missing:
- Dark Soul
- Soul Conduit
- Soul Strike
- Sacrificed Souls
- Burning Rush
- Soul Fire
- Internal Combustion has been upgraded to electric.
- slaps hood of Bladestorm YOU CAN FIT SO MANY BLADES IN HERE!
- Warpaint is now available in a wider variety of colors.
- Frothing Berserker is now 67% frothier.
- Protection Warriors with the Safeguard talent have now been signed up for 12 months of credit monitoring.
- Soul of the Slaughter (Artifact Trait) has been donated to Demon Hunters.
- Heavy Repercussions wishes you’d just call it “Repercussions” and stop making references to its weight all the time.