TOP 10 Joke Patch Notes JAN 2024 🤪

PC General Discussion
1

These patch notes are jokes. These patch notes are NOT real!
I hope you all enjoy. Especially Bob. This one is for you Bob!!!

1] We apologize for an issue during holidays where the Duriel Uber droprate was cut in half instead of being doubled. To make up for this we have reduced cosmetic shop item prices by 15% until the end of the season.

2] Elon Musk has purchased Diablo 4 and renamed it Y666.
Uber uniques are now called A3-9i6-EAs, AoZ now includes an easy to set up carry service, Druids gain 300x dmg, and character names with more numbers in their names than letters get 100% item find.

Numbers and symbols are allowed in character names by paying $9.99 per month.
This gives your account the blood drop checkmark.

3] We have finally got to the bottom of the loading other players stash issue and it will be fixed soon or around 2029.

4] Fixed an issue where MVPs were not earning forum experience and gaining forum levels. Once an MVP earns 100 forum levels they are hired as a forum moderator that works for free.

5] Fixed an issue where typing B6 anywhere in chat would somehow sink a battleship.

6a] Fixed an issue where female sorcerers putting fire or ice skills on their hotbar did not have to click “Are you sure?” on a confirmation window.

6b] Fixed an issue where male sorcerers putting fire or ice skills on their hotbar did not have to click “Bro for real?” on a confirmation window.

7] Corrected a terrain issue where Bloodseekers were teleporting through a wall and hitting you. They can now do this through 2 walls.

8] Duriel will now wave a white flag and surrender when any barbarian enters his liar and summons him. The party leader can accept this surrender and gain 50% item find while giving his party -25% item find.

9] Fixed an issue where necromancers were somehow moving faster than molasses. They are now almost completely frozen in time like was intended as necromancers are very cold.

10] Fixed an issue where selling an item at max gold would sometimes not cause you to spawn extra goblins for 5 minutes. The gold is still lost though.

Special Math Improvement: To coordinate better math values across the board we have purchased 100 abacuses and got a great deal on them from Alibaba.

Special Expansion Announcement: The expansion will not cost $70-100 as has been widely speculated on. The expansion will instead cost 4 installments of $24.95 where each installment unlocks more features.

Special Apology: We apologize for all the players searching for a use for the stamina potion. It was not theorized the players would datamine all information and reach this point. The Cow level will be fully implemented in S4 with the itemization update. This is because cows drop many items.
(It is rumored this is why cow level has not been found as its not done yet. :sob: )

Hope you liked at least 1 of these. This was a harder list to do than Dec. I used up a lot of good stuff in Dec.

Joke Patch Notes DEC → Top 10 Joke Patch Notes Dec 2023 😜

Happy new year ppls. :firecracker: :firecracker: :firecracker:

12 Likes
2

For #2 you forgot to add for $7.99 a month you can link your Twitter account that will automatically spam your achievements, deaths, and amount of Duriel kills while playing to all of your followers.

2 Likes
3

“You sunk my battle ship!”

The Butcher should yell that instead of “Fresh meat!”

3 Likes
4

These are starting to really miss for me.

But I appreciate your enthusiasm.

5

I give you. 7/10 for the effort

3/10 for the comedy.

3 Likes
6

with bliz math in play, it should read… for a limited time now, if you pre-sign up for this plan will will knock off 1 installment and you will only need to pay 5 installments of 24.95

2 Likes
7

I could actually see some going “Wow, that’s a fantastic deal!” :frowning:

1 Like
8

i dont get your joke threads at all. They all completeley lack any imagination, and a re plain boring. Its kinda like d4 itself. Not my kind of humor thats for sure.

9

that is not a joke, it is real.

1 Like
10
  • Due to popular demand we tuned down difficulty of the game. WT4 naw has the difficulty of WT3 etc. On WT1 players are now invulnerable, so they can fully enjoy touring the world of Sanctuary unpestered.
  • QoL: Newly created characters now start at level 100 and have their glyphs at level 21
  • QoL: Uniques and Uber Uniques are now available at vendors. However, player still needs to pay for Uber Uniques.
  • All classes are now perfectly balanced - normal monsters always die after one hit, elites 3, bosses 10.
  • New feature: Leaderboards. Every player can submit their character to a Leaderboard by clicking “Damn, I’m good!” button in the Leaderboard menu. Leaderboards are sorted alphabetically so the game remains fair and balanced.
  • PvP zones removed. There’s no place for hatred in Blizzard games.
1 Like
11

Players “X” (formerly known as Twitter) accounts and forum profiles can be linked to game progress. Game achievements will autogenerate complaint posts about whatever activity they are currently participating in. In addition, every 100 hours played a post detailing how they are leaving the game and want a refund will be generated.

1 Like
12

This made me laugh. I could just see a huge influx of tweets a week into the latest season, and then it repeats for several more weeks afterward.

1 Like
13

I’ve laughed harder at Bazooka Joe bubblegum jokes.

14

I remember buying those for a nickel. I feel old. :frowning:

1 Like
15

Tough crowd in the new year. Back to the drawing board for Feb issue!

:sob: :sob: :sob:

16

ugh… i remember when they were only 2 pennies :frowning:

2 Likes
17

LMAO @ this one, but he already does.

18

Back in my day we dint have gum. WE just sucked sap outta trees and chewed on that! You youngsters and your technologeecal improvements for 2 cents!
Bah give me the good stuff right outta the tree!!!

19

Since you put some effort into this, I’ll rate them! Keep in mind, this is based on my own subjective preference for comedy.

  1. Classic, could see Blizzard actually doing this.
  2. Meh
  3. Tried too hard
  4. I guess if I lived on the D4 forums this would be funny? Idk
  5. Random but alright
  6. I’ll be honest, I don’t get it.
  7. Made me lol
  8. Must be a meta thing and I haven’t played for a while.
  9. Funny at first but “Necromancers are very cold” lost me.
  10. Bad grammar. Minus respect.

Special Math Improvment: Not bad
Special Expansion Announcement: 50-50
Special Apology: ehhhhhh

1 Like
20

We decided stash space was dumb so now you have to chose which items to keep in your inventory. We think this adds a new level of depth to the game.