World of Warcraft Patch 9.0.5.0.5
[This is an early draft version – PLEASE don’t store this document on any public drives. Thank you! – R.J.]
Content
New Raid: The Winter Queen’s Gambit
Come face to face with the Jailer’s lowliest servant, the Janitor, as he teaches you how to use the Medley of Transplanar Spices to envision each raid encounter upside down on the ceiling in preparation for a gauntlet of successively older and more difficult enemies. Once you no longer need the Janitor, move on to unadvisedly drinking Inconceivably Aged Vinegar as you work your way toward the final boss and learn that you can only win if you share the effort with your friends. Let’s play.
New Dungeon: A Fungus
Brave the depths of the fungal network beneath Ardenweald with a group of 5-10 players, where 1-2 of members of your group are accosters randomly selected to try to kill you! Communication is key when you don’t know who to trust, and everyone sounds like they’re lying at all times, especially when they don’t speak up. Who’s the accoster? Don’t kick the wrong person!
New Profession: Sea Shanty Singing
A successful stage singer said she’d savor some songs sung in a straightforward style. Simple solution: score the several significant schemes surrounding so many societies sans substance with satisfying strains of soulful sounds about sailing from sunrise to sunset. Seek and speak to your Sea Shanty Sergeant in any sizeable city to start.
New Profession: Wand Vision
- Developers’ note: While this is available to all classes, Wand Vision will only really make sense to you if you’ve seen and remember small details from most of our other content over the last 15 years.
A study in empowering yourself, Wand Vision gives you the ability to re-cast your spells, and it also allows you to steal someone else’s best ability to use as your own. Starting in black-and-white, and then later moving to color, Wand Vision causes everything that drops for you to always have best-in-slot stats. Unfortunately, after some time, you have to come back to reality. There are rules in life. We can’t rush aging just because it’s convenient, and we can’t reverse death.
But what is loot, if not RNG persevering?
New Covenant: Definitely-not-Drust
[Producer’s note: we need to come up with a final name for this.]
New Micro-Holidays
- Beach Vacation to Die For: Spring Break in the Shadowlands
- Ll f Th Vwls Hv Gn Mssng Dy
- International Popular Item Day Made Up Entirely for Social Media Day
- Tell Us You ____ Without Telling Us You ____ Day
- Day that No One Dies For a Whole Day Because Everyone is Super Careful
- The Micro-holiday That Ends Before You’re
Changes
Covenants
- The Wild Hunt is now 115% more wild and needs to see a barber.
- Seed of Corruption can now be planted in the Queen’s Conservatory. You monster.
- The Court of Harvesters now all get started chorin’ an hour earlier thanks to daylight saving time. Pitter patter.
- Added a new drink served at the Ember Court: Jungle Juice, an amalgamation of the venthyr’s finest, served in solo cups. Sure to knock you off your feet.
- The Undying Army’s total power has been reduced by 5%, after they beat the Undying Navy in 4 of their last 5 matchups.
- Plague Deviser Marileth has been hard at work coming up with new Necrolord slime-based companions, such as Jelly Frog, Jelly Horse, Jelly Duck, and of course, Jelly Nathanos Blightcaller.
- The Ascended have been forced to stop ascending and try falling through their own shimmering circles in the sky if they need that done so badly. Sheesh!
The Maw
- Ve’nari now has several new levels of reputation available for you to earn:
- Unconvinced
- Uneasy
- Inconclusive
- Sus
- Caught Feelings
- The Eye of the Jailer now scales up to a new level of danger: Just Die Already.
- Fixed a bug that allowed some players to go whitewater rafting in the River of Souls. That was super insensitive, guys.
Classes
Death Knight
- Anti-magic Shell now comes in strawberry, caramel, and sugar-free varieties.
- Defile damage doubled in one dungeon, making it de-better to de-use in De Other Side.
- New talent: The Winter Winds. We still don’t know what it’s about yet, but the guy who’s been creating this talent for almost ten years says you have our formal written permission to imprison him on an island if it’s not done by next summer.
- Fixed a bug where certain drinks cancelled Red Thirst. Once again, Red Thirst cannot be quenched by any mortal beverage.
Demon Hunter
- Night Fae and Kyrian Demon Hunters who’ve been telling all their friends back on Azeroth that of course they went Venthyr or Necrolord are now provided with some cosmetic items to help sell the story.
- The Slayer’s Felbroken Shrieker mount has been adjusted, and now provides 50% less shrieking. Don’t worry, it’s still alarmingly shrieky.
- The Master of the Glaive talent now makes you 300% more smug toward anyone who has the audacity to come to you for help.
Druid
- Rake no longer smacks you in the face when you step on it.
- Innervate has been innovated on, and it now emanates an intimate condensate to mitigate the desolate desiccant before you dehydrate. 2 charges.
- New returning talent: Encroaching Vines. We really thought we completely removed this last autumn, but it keeps coming back on that one sunny side of the wall.
Hunter
- Combining Cobra Shot with the Spitting Cobra and Killer Cobra talents now motivates you to re-open a controversial karate dojo in the San Fernando Valley.
- Born to Be Wild now makes you fire all of your guns at once and explode into space.
- Hunters who take both Skinning and Leatherworking now grow an extra-long and luxurious beard that really turns heads when you go to town.
Mage
- No changes needed.
Monk
- Ring of Peace now ejects unwanted enemies 250% more violently, in order to maintain peace so hard.
- Fixed an issue that could cause Storm, Earth and Fire to not require any further fixing.
- Implemented a new size enhancement feature for gnome monks so that when they engage a tauren monk in a fight, everyone else in the battleground is less likely to stop and take video that might go viral.
Paladin
- Blinding Light’s disorient duration increased to 8 hours to better correspond with the fact that I can’t sleep until I feel your touch.
- Repentance now forces an enemy to meditate and do hot yoga, incapacitating them for 1 minute and making them feel sore all over the next day.
- Rebuke can now only be cast after you’ve first successfully cast Buke on your enemy.
- Final Reckoning keeps being used over and over, so we’ve changed its name to Yet More Reckoning.
Priest
- Power Infusion now exclusively targets Survival Hunters.
- If no Survival Hunters are in your group, Power Infusion is applied to a “random” friendly target.
- When Power Infusion “randomly” goes to a tank three times in a row, you are now comforted by the voice of Xal’atath whispering to you about ancient evils or something.
Rogue
- The Pick Lock ability will now correctly choose the nearest appropriate Warlock.
- Sub Rogues now have a cute little underwater boat that perfectly fits the sub lifestlye.
- Loaded Dice can now be properly unloaded for safe storage.
- Combat Potency has been renamed Outlaw Potency. We’re not sure how we missed this one.
- Restless Blades have been properly hydrating and exercising and are really starting to get their sleep schedule back on track.
- Fixed a bug that caused Relentless Strikes to sometimes inadvertently Relent.
Shaman
- All shamans can now go by shamen or shaman. “Shamens” is still incorrect.
- Venthyr shamans are now provided with a unique therapeutic questline to help them deal with the cognitive dissonance of their Covenant choice.
- Surge of Power increased by 15% to keep up with advances in GFCI technology.
- Enhancement shamen who eat a lot of cooked vegetables are no longer allowed to select the Forceful Winds or Elemental Blast talents.
Warlock
- Vile Taint. That’s it. That’s the patch note.
- Doom has been redesigned as the best point-and-click adventure of the year.
- Several new Curses have been added:
- Curse of Ambience: The target repeatedly demands that you listen to something that they insist is “music” but it’s just an hour of whale sounds at 5% speed.
- Curse of Procrastination: The target will still totally attack you, they just need to take a nap first. Oh, and actually, there’s a new episode of a show they’ve been watching coming out tonight. Is tomorrow good? Or maybe let’s just make it next week.
- Curse of Dankness: The target emits an awkward, musty smell, and becomes slightly damp. Moist, even.
- Curse of Curse of Dankness: Forces the target to read the previous patch note a second time.
- After years of feedback on this, at last, Warlocks can pet their felhunter and tell him he’s the goodest boi. 13/10.
Warrior
- War Machine has finally stopped blaming itself for what happened to Tony.
- Frothing Berserker is now 80% frothier.
- Revenge, it turns out, is actually best served with a nice sear and some lemon.
- Sweeping Strikes have now finished their union negotiations and are back to Sweeping.
- Thunder Clap no longer requires the Warrior to be dummy thicc.
WoW Classic
- Due to the popularity of world buffs in WoW Classic, we’re introducing a whole new line of highly valuable stat uppers that you won’t want to play without! In addition to Rallying Cry of the Dragonslayer, Warchief’s Blessing, Spirit of Zandalar, Songflower Serenade, Mol’dar’s Moxie, Slip’kik’s Savvy, and Fengus’ Ferocity, you can now collect:
- Sanction of Varimathras
- Blackmoss’s Black Moss
- The Underwater Mandate
- Innkeeper’s New Inn Grand Opening Dedication
- Magnus Frostwake’s Magnificent Lost Rake
- Any player who manages to enter a raid on a PvP realm with all 12 of the above buffs intact will receive a special bonus world buff: The World Buff to End All World Buffs (+5 to Spirit).
Rich keep getting richer I guess