Well, the rheumatologist determined that the CellCept was disrupting my ability to sleep. I was initially on a 250mg dose 2x/day, but that made it so I almost couldn’t sleep at all, so she has me currently taking both doses in the morning so I can at least attempt to sleep at night. Unfortunately getting medi-cal to actually approve that hasn’t happened yet. What sucks is I’m on the lowest dosage for CellCept, which may change as my IGG4 related measurements are nearly all high when they should be lower (which is what the CellCept is supposed to help with). A larger dosage regimen may make sleep the new mythic raid boss that wipes me every time.
I have to take unisom to even get to sleep. Melatonin doesn’t do it for some reason, and it needs to be the sleepgels, not the capsules. Diphenhydramine HCL works in helping me sleep whereas the sleep tabs’ doxylamine succinate doesn’t. For melatonin to work on me the dose has to be roughly 5-10x higher than what’s allowed OTC, and would be rather dangerous given my current condition.
The UCSF pulmonology team wants to consult with my rheumatologist before they order another lung biopsy due to the last one keeping me in the hospital for nearly a month and almost killing me due to multiple pneumothoraxes while I was at the skilled (lawls) nursing facility. I don’t mind another biopsy if it gets all of the teams closer to finding out what’s going on with me. My thoughts are basically, if I die from the procedure, I’m not going to know because, well, dead. But letting this continue on its current path is almost certain to result in me losing my right lung down the line, which in itself could kill me. So damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I’d rather try and fight it by finding the root cause than slowly deteriorate to a point I’m beyond help.
That stuff works way too well. I’m usually out within about ten minutes after taking one. The only trouble I have is if I’m not waking up on my own, I’m groggy for hours afterward.
Just chauffeured Mom around for grocery shopping. First stop, the regular grocery store, then the butcher shop. After that, we went to the cheap grocery store - to buy canned sausage gravy. I keep telling her I can actually make the stuff, but she still buys it.
Credit where credit is due, it helps keep me down when I need it to.
Though it might be the concentration or the formula used for the different kinds I’ve tried, but I always wake up feeling like thousands of needles are poking my eyeballs when I wake up.
Burn another bridge, throw it into the ashen piles.
It’s funny, I was thinking things would change, but everything is the same. It will never change. I can’t even drink to forget anymore. Well, I can, if I really want to raise hell. Be a fun result at the blood test.
Can’t even contribute to work because I’m still getting re-signed up for everything. No one save a few even talk to me. Everyone has a sense of humor I don’t. I leave, put in my four hours, and go home to my isolation.
Not that I want to befriend anyone, anyway: The world is full of hideous people, and I’m just joining the choir.
I brought this upon myself, and I reap the consequences. I’m sorry I came here in the first place thinking I could make any kind of difference, to think I could be better. I can’t, and the world can’t.
That’s my legacy, I make everything worse, and I’m too cowardly to end it myself. It’s easier to be miserable and make others feel the same than try to be happy, anyway.
I really don’t know what to say Guuah, except that your brain is lying to you. People DO care and you do have value. What you are going through is tough, esp when you did not expect to live before the transplant. It is ok to NOT be ok and it is ok to get help.
Please, reach out and get help even if it means calling a hotline now.
NO no no no. Do not even try that. This is much more complex than that. If you don’t know the whole story best to stay out. Never ever try to belittle someone having a really hard time who is in a very bad place.
I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but you absolutely are not making this place worse.
Ideally CSF is a place for open ears but as individuals … nobody expects us to be in the ball at all times. We just do the best we can, and sometimes that best is sitting back and healing up. For ourselves.
You’re feeling bad and that’s okay, you need to get all the bad out of the way and we’re here for that. Ideally CSF is a place for open shoulders too.
It’s a balmy 16 here this morning. I actually over-dressed for my morning walk. We’re getting some nice snow this morning. The doggo had to stop a couple times to clean snow/ice clumps off her toes. I don’t have shoes for her (and I’m not sure she really wants them), so snow and ice accumulates. And she’ll stop, plop down wherever she is, and work on fixing the issue - even if it’s in the middle of Main Street. Fortunately, nobody was coming, but I still made her get to the sidewalk.
That is kind of cute that she cleans her own toes! Glad you were able to get a walk in with a bit of snow. I always found walking in the snow really peaceful.
Today seems to be Thursday. Palia patch with a bit more content today, D4 Season 7 of Witchcraft just started Tues, and I could log in to WoW. I could also just go paint things in the basement, rebuild the kitchen faucet, or sand and stain shelves. Decisions decisions.
/Looks at the lounge and goes on a cleaning binge. Deep cleans all the things, folds all the blankets, fluffs all the pillows, washes all the cups and dishes. Puts out a set of fresh, hot, giant vats of coffee - with an extra large mug for the first mod on duty. Gets the hot water kettle going, prepares some cocoa, and sets out the toppings, creamers, and such. The snack buffet currently has fixings for breakfast sandwiches (bagels or english muffins, eggs, bacon, sausage, cheese), and a crock pot of chili. There are some nice toppings for the chili such as sour cream, cheese, or onions.
Try to have a good day folks. If nothing else, breathe and care for each other.
Sure, why not! I am not currently into space as a special interest so it is not for me. It seems like a fantastic way to spend some time though. Fascinating and very distracting from waves hands around … stuff.
I love space, and have a huge fascination with astronomy. Though don’t think I would ever travel into outer space in my life time. But playing Elite Dangerous is going to be as close as I can get to the real thing.
