Don’t blame you one bit.
Sorry if you think I was starting something. I wasn’t. Wasn’t my intention at all
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Sorry, not you, never you.
Regardless… </insert emote of dejected sadness>
Hugs Not your fault hun. It was just a simple misunderstanding is all. It happens
Then explain this:
Because that sure looks like either an accusation, or like I’m somehow involved.
Is this Lookingforsteve absolutely untypeable name DI Dwarf hunter? Yeah, obviously, it took half a minute to figure it out.
How the f’n hell does that involve me?
How is untypeable name DI dwarf hunter playing at being someone looking for the suspected-missing-or-fired Steve Danuser some kinda toxic anything? It’s stupid and silly and dumb and once you figure out the joke, it’s kinda funny.
How did this go from being a stupid and silly and dumb joke into being some kinda whole other thing?
Naw. No thanks. F’ that.
Is it because we briefly speculated that an actual toxic person, who caused a whole lot of problems for people that even went beyond the forums to other socials, and even some IRL crap, had returned?
Are we all painted with the same brush for one toxic post made by untypeable name DI dwarf hunter? Should I have reached through the computer, presciently knowing what was being typed, and shaken untypeable name until they stopped?
Naw. I’m out. I’m done. I’m f’n tired of this cannibalism. I’m tired of us all eating each other for the sake of it.
I’ll post elsewhere in the Story Forums, but this thread and any others like it gets muted after send.
Done and out.
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Lookingforsteve has torn the forums apart!
Kidding.
Oh lol
At first I thought it was sort of real and kind of creepy so I didn’t even want to engage with them. Someone looking for someone they met at Blizzcon named Steve. I didn’t get the joke.
I guess it was about Danuser.
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I never got the connection until now. Feels weird I didn’t connect the dots sooner
deep breaths of the fresh air. Work has been stressful lately, the people I work for always expect me to work upfront. It’s hard, but I get by. hey, how’s your friend with the glasses? Maybe bring him over and we can get sauced on Merlot.
I know you’ll probably never see this, but I’m not going to hide it in your character mail or via in game whispers, you deserve to be able to game in peace.
Alynsa
I am sorry. For what I did, there is no forgiveness. I hurt someone I love and that is a crime I will never forgive myself for.
I’m sorry, though I know it will not make it right. I truly am sorry. In a moment of pain, I lashed out. Even as I wanted to take them back, the words were out, and the damage done.
What follows is just an excuse, it will never justify what I did. I hope only that it provides context.
Excuses, not that they matter.
Ten months ago, I was considering ending it.
I had lost the stories, the very thing that for so long gave me reason to wake up, something that had started as a way to distract myself from the pain of my life and morphed into a reason to endure it to see them grow and learn what was next.
My latest attempt at writing was being ripped apart, nothing good came of it as all that was ever said was attacks and hate no suggestions on how to improve just calls to stop bothering to accept that I was a failure.
Ten months ago, I awoke to a message from a new account created that very night. It offered me advice and said they enjoyed the plot I was trying to weave.
That message, a simple thing really, was enough to wake me up to what I had been considering. I got help and I started wanting to wake up, the stories didn’t flow as easily as they once did, but I wanted to keep going, for the first time in decades I actually wanted to keep going.
Alynsa, you once told me you had a red line, an event you believed should not be tolerated. For me that red line is the blatant attacks on others that those two were doing, because I know how vulnerable people can be to that.
That day I was already been in a depressed state, and watching you discuss it with them felt to me like you were encouraging them even enabling them… then that stupid moment and I knew you were in on it just part of the group hurting people… so I lashed out, angry that someone I cared about was hurting people like I have been hurt.
Excuses, we all have them, that is mine. Regardless, it will never justify hurting you.
For what it matters, I never wondered who was on the other side of your screen. It didn’t matter, because I knew they were an amazing person. I considered myself lucky to have known you.
You won’t have to worry about running into me in game, I deleted my alliance side toons on Moon Guard and for now I’m sequestering myself to the Shadowlands, the one place I know you probably hate as much as you hate me right now.
Again, I am sorry…
Nightsong
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I’m gonna type up a typical too-long response later because right now my emotions are being too emotional.
No. There is always forgiveness. Do not ever think that. Not ever.
I’ve got… A lot more to say, but I wanted you to know that we are fine. We’re good. You’re forgiven, all water under the bridge, all peace and hugs.
I’ll post a full and proper reply later. I need to make my own admissions and apologies too.
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I’ve long suspected a number of posts/threads on this forum are social media interns
Man I was there was a Bard class.
No, we both did.
I don’t know how well it comes across, but I am… A very angry person. Well, maybe not very angry, more like I’m generally frustrated. I’ve hinted at my age, that I am older, and although I’m still reticent to share personal details beyond that, I am old enough where everything hurts. Everything has hurt for a very long time, but it gets worse every year. I try all the things to make it hurt less; exercise has helped, specifically jogging, but right now it is cold and wet all the time, so jogging isn’t much of an option.
I also have tremendous social anxienty. In the fleshy world, the digital world, just everywhere. Except for work, but Work Alynsa is a whole other animal from the rest of me. What one of you know is a lot of times when I post something? There were at least ten to twenty attempted-posts before it. Posts fully typed up, but then the insecurities make me hit discard. Or delete and retype, followed by delete and retype, followed by a full review and edit and delete and retyrp and re-edit before finally hitting send. You can tell the ones where I let my emotions overtake my anxieties because those posts tend to have more typos.
When the physical pain and my emotional anxieties collide, we get Trainwreck Alynsa, who will turn the tiniest perception of a slight into a whole BfA-style war. I burn emotional world-trees, I kill hope in civility, I become my worst self. And my most toxic trait: I try to breing others down with me as I drag my reputation into the gutter.
I hate it. I hate being me. I’ve been trying to be less me.
Sometimes I’ll feel the anxiety taking control as my back and neck and knees and shoulders start to throb because the stupid dumb weather can decided it would be a great idea if the temp stayed just above freezing, but threw a bunch of wet everywhere, just to see how many iboprophen and tylenol and asprin I’ll take. And knowing the storm of everything I’m about to become, I’ll walk away from online interactions.
Yesterday is a day I should have walked away from. Everything was setting things off for me, and rather than be a sane and healthy person, I let my most toxic self come out.
So no Nightsong.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just… Jumped all the way down your throat to see what you had for dinner. I shouldn’t have gone from 2 to 100. I should have stepped away, taken some more advil and seen how things looked in the morning.
I am so, so, so deeply ssorry for that. You did not deserve that.
…
…
… But as a side-note, does anyone know how hard it is to find a muted thread?? Oh my goodness, it is so very hard!! I ended up having to go through the replies to my post to even find this thread!!!
I know there must be a simpler way, but I am internet dumb.
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Sure, I suppose you can call what I did an attack. I assure you that it wasn’t out of malice though. I, just like many people on the forums, am passionate about this game’s story and lore, and if I could talk directly to devs that repeatedly cause problems while ignoring feedback I would. From my point of view, at the time, I was doing that. The things I saw read like the opinions of a specific author who has gotten criticism for her stories and hasn’t incorporated that into her work.
I understand thinking that can seem crazy, but I have a defensive mindset; I can notice when things stand out. I can be a paranoid person at times, and that’s because of my life experiences. This goes as far back to middle school where a whole crowd of classmates encouraged me to do something just to laugh about me doing that behind my back, people who had been mean to me for three years before suddenly becoming nice just to set me up. Since then I’ve been on the lookout for people trying to fool me. Sometimes my paranoia works in my favor, sometimes it doesn’t.
At the most recent job I was fired from, I tried to work out in my head why the schedule that was posted a week in advance had me listed for only two shifts instead of the usual five or six. I narrowed it down to a few reasons; either I was getting fired, I was getting time off for working overtime so much, or the assistant manager had seen how much hard work I was doing and was giving me time off to rest and get other things done. My first guess was right; despite my first assumption, I was nice to him and did everything he told me to do, and after a very busy night, he falsely accused me of being a thief and fired me. He knows I’m not a thief, and he screwed me out of a well paying job for what I assume to be a personal dislike of me. It made me angry, but I mentally prepared myself and it really helped in dampening the blow.
But I also knew when I got hired that they would fire me at some point, just from how management there operates. That assistant manager is a psychopath that no one likes. The other job I got fired from, the one I worked at for two years and went out of my way to do damage control for, talking to people who gave the business negative reviews and convincing them to remove them (because any criticism the business got caused my boss to get irrationally upset) is owned by a self important narcissist. Getting called into his office to get talked down to gave me panic attacks and I knew someday I would be fired. After doing personal things that he didn’t like and repeatedly being threatened with assault if I weren’t his employee, I stood up to him one day and he fired me on the spot, along with banning me from a place I really enjoyed spending my time at; I knew exactly how he’d react, and because I mentally prepared myself I was relieved instead of upset when it happened.
But I’m not always right, and I was trying to defend the forums from what I thought was someone trying to fool people. In a way it backfired, because now I look like a jerk for attacking a sweet person. It’s another hit to the not-so-good reputation I have here. When people look back at this, they’re mostly going to remember my response to the situation. I’m not a hero.
But I believe everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t done that, we probably wouldn’t have connected. We plan to keep in contact and do content together, not at my suggestion. This seems to be a situation I might be getting a friend from. I don’t regret that.
I respond to situations based on my experiences and try to make things better. I’d love to get it into Blizzard’s heads what it is that the players want. There’s a lot of us that are frustrated for different reasons and sometimes we take that out on the wrong people or things. There might not be many conductive ways to do that through, and sometimes hurt people hurt people. At the end of the day, it’s just a videogame and isn’t personal.
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Big brother and serious talk time. I’m serious when I say this, if you guys need someone to talk to, come talk to me ingame or shoot me a mail ingame and I’ll give you my Bnet and discord. I been down a lot of dark roads with a few people who are extremely dear to me and I saved their lives.
So again, and I reiterate, don’t be afraid to seek me out and talk. I mean it. I’ll do my best to help anyway I can.
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I’m going to ignore the rest because I’m too bloody emotional right now…
You are description reminds me of hyper vigilance, I’m very familiar with this feeling.
EMDR Therapy can help. It’s not invasive and it doesn’t require drugs. The old way used a light bar or the therapist moving an object back and forth, one of the new techniques is holding a pair of vibrating paddles, that alternate pulsing while you remember the trauma, it can be very trying, but it can help. You won’t forget, but it can help your mind move past it.
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The reason for the single word quotes is to tag all of you to let you know I wish I could hug and sob all over each one of you right now
EDIT: Dang it, I should have tried to use the quotes to make a sentence.
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I’m emotionally incompetent, but I’ll tank for people. Or listen.
I am slightly creaky myself and about as subtle as a bag of fermented herring to the head, granted.
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You really should have…
At one point I was considering doing that with the titles of various character mails I was going to send to make sure even if you didn’t read them, you’d still see the most relevant part…
You’re not the only one of us that has to manage pain. I might be younger than you, and that’s fine, but I wake up most days in pain, my knees, my shoulder, my elbow. I’ve not been kind to my body. Gaining a hundred pounds after highschool and working as a laborer will do that.
It’s not uncommon for me to wake up with one or more knee’s feeling like I have a knife driven into it. I literally can’t run anymore, if I do, I’ll dislocate a knee. I used to run, I used to do track before I started giving up on life. Sometimes I even dream about running again.
I couldn’t tell you how often I’ve written a post and just deleted it rather than hit send because I didn’t like it or more frequently because I didn’t feel it’d be worth anyone’s time to read. What I posted earlier was about the twelfth draft, if only that many given how many mental drafts I went through.
I’m not trying to compare wounds, I’m trying to show that I understand and thank you for showing me yet more of who you are. I’m still not ok with myself for lashing out, but I’m glad we’re talking again.
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If you wanna talk, I’m on MG as Keshla, my worgo hunter. I’m not doing anything other than mining in Outland, so I’ve very available.
The forums want me to know I type a lot in this thread and should give others the chance to also type, so I think their shaming of my blabber-posting can only progress from here. The next warning is inevitably going to be “Alynsa, just STFutzU alkready” I know it.
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