nothing to say, y’all keep vibin’. you think im bpd from this thread… 4 psychiatrists think i have schizophrenia… im not defending my diagnosis, its not why i posted this, I just wanted to educate people, and help end stigma. also I wanted to call out a guild who IS recruiting that didn’t take me based on a diagnosis that they clearly do not understand. Schizophrenia doesnt mean DRAMA, schizophrenia just means anxiety and fear of their perception. You cannot deny that schizophrenia has a lot of stigma, which i blame on early understandings of it, and Hollywoods fictitious movies that people seem to think has some basis in reality.
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Yeah that is one that really sucks.
Its hard to say what symptom was the worst though as they are all so tightly wrapped together. Fear of abandonment made me a hermit which leads to the void and because I have no contact with others and I have to fill the void I do stupid things as well as have such a broad interest in things that I don’t neatly fit into nerd or goth or outdoors man etc.
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BPD patients fear death more than what would be considered normal and that is the one big symptom I wish I didn’t have.
The panic attacks about that SUCK
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You’re a warlock…soul stone yourself. 
God I wish. You have no idea how much I wish that.
It would be pretty cool would it not?
Personally, I simply take things one day at a time. Worry not about what may or
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That I’ve never heard of. Luckily I don’t particularly fear death as I’ve been killed twice already. The method of dying is something I wish I could choose as I never want to drown or smother again. The unavoidable panic as you fight for breath is unpleasant. Death itself was just a loss of consciousness much like fainting or having a seizure.
If I had a choice I guess I’d go hand to hand with a bear.
I just don’t like the idea of becoming nothing. Darkness forever and not even really being able to think of anything.
Ugh. Okay gotta stop that topic before I freak myself out. I played myself
QUICK! THINK ABOUT DELICIOUS WARM COOKIES!
Its what i do. its effective.
Or…Or…you can stub your toe.
Guaranteed to make you forget things
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What is it like to suffer from schizophrenia? I’m genuinely curious. How does it differ when on and off meds? How does it effect you playing the game solo and with other people? Sorry if you already stated the answer, I admittedly skimmed the wall of text.
Ah the existential crisis. I would suggest practicing Stoicism.
https://medium.com/stoicism-philosophy-as-a-way-of-life/the-five-most-popular-books-on-stoicism-e450e03fccb
I used to practice stoicism for a while. Like true stoicism. I felt like I lost some of my personality while doing so. It has some good virtues and lessons, but I feel like if you practice it by the book in these times, it doesn’t really work.
I’ll be okay just gonna talk about other stuff if the topic calls for it. Here’s something I posted on my blog about my BpD. Figured it fits the topic.
Watching more videos on DiD just out of curiosity. I don’t have it. But I do have Borderline Personality Disorder. So I do relate somewhat. And it’s comforting to see the similarities.
I’m aware this is likely a “me” thing and not BPD but ever since I was a kid I used to picture what the inside of my brain looked like with my emotions. Yes like that one Pixar movie. This later changed in my teens when I started making OCs. For some of my extreme emotions I would make a character to help me express that feeling. Since growing up with my Grandma I wasn’t really allowed to show anger towards her. Long story. But bottling it up like that reaaaaally screwed with me. Even today I’m scared of being angry just because I know my Mom is gonna get in my face like in the past and say “do you want to start something?” This has happened in the past even when I wasn’t angry at her, it was something else.
Anyway. Even nowadays if I’m feeling a certain way it just brings me a little comfort to pretend to be a certain oc. And again I’m not trying to say “Oh I totally do what people with DiD do teehee”. I just like that our brains figured out how to cope with certain feelings in their own weird ( not bad weird just weird ) way. I think it’s neat. I don’t pretend to be characters in real life just to help explain it more. Although I am guilty of sometimes slipping into “OC Cale’s” voice since he’s got a cockney accent. But that’s more force of habit from roleplaying. I remember it being a total pain in the butt trying to verbally role-play as Preacher the Tiefling in DnD because sometimes the Oc Cale accent would come up when Preacher has a different accent. So sometimes he’d just be randomly british lol.
The big difference is people with DiD have a fragmented personality from trauma. My BPD is basically going “Uhhhhhh HERE take this personality trait. I think” and making something like a mask for me to wear since it struggles with figuring out just what the heck it is as a person.
And just for new people. The character I refer to as “OC Cale” is where I picked up my name. I made Cale to help me pretend more to be a guy since I was super in the closet as a trans guy at the time of his creation. So I say Oc Cale to help people avoid thinking I’m talking about myself when I explain some of the stuff he does. ( Like putting gross toppings on his pizza so people don’t ask him to share the weirdo ) Eventually after I started to come out more I picked up the name Cale for myself.
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Schizophrenia is a fear and anxiety of paranoid perceptions being real. The shake is being able to come to identify with what actually is real. The reality check is helpful, but its still hard to deal with because you feel you cannot trust your own mind. I let people bully me because I am not sure if it is real or not… I don’t know if I’m just perceiving what they’re doing wrong… turns me into a doormat, I am more internal than anything so it just crumbles my soul, no doubt there are people who lash out, but they end up hating themselves for it later.
The only thing that can help with perception errors is a therapy called DBT and CBT, both take a while and they are not 100% the cure, they just teach you coping mechanisms so the anxiety isn’t like a tsunami anymore.
The medication helps with the mood fluctuations only, the rush of dopamine for instance, will help to keep your anxiety in check, it does not help with your perception, for that like i said, you need therapy. Meds are for anxiety/fear/depression, those wonderful emotions, in schizophrenia, and at times it can help flatten out a manic state, which in schizophrenics means they feel like they’re winning the “game” on how they see life, they feel like they’re one upping everyone and finally feel in control… this can cause them to be very odd and eccentric.
Its funny I have something similar although diffrent at the same time and it does fit in with the identity crisis. When I would rage I would often be several feet behind myself watching on but have no control of my actions. This was controlled by a different part of me entirely. One who is staunchly anti authoritarian, fiercely loyal, and has no fear of anything sometimes to my own detriment. I also have the empathetic me, the overly rational me, the depressive me, and many others. They come out in times of need and I sometimes have to wrestle control from them if its a particularly stressful situation.
Ah you disassociated? I get those sometimes. Mom says I sound like a robot when that happens. Just dead pan and like I’m on auto pilot. To me I sound normal so I didn’t know about that til she said it.
But like I said there’s no amnesia barriers like with DiD. It’s just like my brain is “Dude you need a break hold on I got you” And I think it’s fascinating.
It’s just bittersweet that our brains can handle trauma in so many ways.
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A bit. I guess describing a situation would help.
I got into a verbal argument with my adoptive mother and ended up ripping my bedroom door off its hinges and throwing a book through a window. So I shut up went to my room and started reading Jurassic Park. My mother had called the cops and when they came in and started asking questions I ignored them so that I’d have more time to cool down. One of the cops ripped the book out of my hands and it tore in half. Instantly my vision went red and I was behind myself watching me beat the $%^* out of him while the other cop tried to pull me off.
At that point I lost consciousness and when I came to I was handcuffed and in the back of a squad car. With an ambulance just leaving. There were now 5 cops and most of them were hesitant to approach me.
From what I learned later was that I had continued to beat the man until all three squad cars had arrived and they had to taze me. It was only when I lost I guess you would call it bodily consciousness were they able to get the handcuffs on me. They told me the entire time I was laughing and talking gibberish.
From that point on any warrant was served with multiple squads and at gun point. Although that didn’t always stop me from raging again.
Ah I see I see. I guess I get something similar but given how my grandma raised me ( poorly ) a lot of that rage goes internal. I’m too small really to do any damage to anyone.
Did have plenty of “I am upset. I’m just going to go sleep” to cool down moments tho
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Don’t get me wrong I was 125 pounds at the time. I think its really what freaked them out so bad.
It sucks afterwards though that sinking empty feeling almost as if your on a roller coaster and you start to ask yourself what did I do? Who did I hurt? And were am I going to have to sit this time jail or the psyc ward.
Now that I’m much older I find it best if I just avoid everyone.
So you tell everyone all your issues then are surprised if they don’t want you in their guilds or groups? Most people play games to get away from the drama and stress of real life, they don’t want to deal with that crap in their games too. I would have turned you down also.
You can be yourself without giving everyone the details of your problems. Really they don’t need to know, it just seems you need to tell. That’s on you and you have to be prepared to deal with the fallout whether you think it’s fair or not.
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