Hmm, well, last week I accomplished about what I usually accomplish: a bit of work (and that varies a lot, but last week that wasn’t much), I worried about…let’s see…everything thing x9000, did a modicum of needed yard work and cleaning, and I cried as usual…though I did cry less than the week before (which included a funeral).
And, another un-accomplishment: instead of showing up online in bnet and discord so that I let others know that I’m available, I’ve instead been hiding as offline since mid-week, not because I don’t want to talk to my friends from WoW and the forums but because someone that hasn’t been online in nearly a year has been popping up (to seem to play Cata Classic though seemingly D4 again too)…and, I can’t just block that person (I didn’t tell this to the couple of people I told I was going to be offline for a bit, but it’s my boss…and it’s complicated). Yet, if I show as online, they will badger me to play with them. So…though logged in, I sit offline and I haven’t even played Panda Remix or Diablo 4 since and haven’t logged into Cata Classic myself yet. I logged into retail but only a little bit to do some stuff for the GIF I’m making and even then only a very little bit versus what I need to do. He just simply took all of the wind from my sails with regards to wanting to play and enjoy anything. He’s badgered me via e-mail and through DMs and an old discord server that’s almost never used…and even talked about me playing with him in person a bit Friday because my power was out, and I had to go in instead of work from home. I don’t want to get into it much, but we friends, not the best of friends but beyond acquaintances, in high school and jr high but drifted apart like that sometimes happens. But, I moved back to the area a bit over a decade ago, and we started talking more again. Then I went to work for him after he started his business because he needed someone.
Anyways, especially after some political things last year (he is also a local politician and not the party I want to have anything to do with…let’s just say his other elected peers in his party didn’t want to pay for some contract work I did for economic development office and some other local and county departments…so things became not so good for me, and I no longer help them…I was already charging them less than I should, but didn’t want to pay that because they had someone from their party they wanted to pass money to even though they really are not nearly competent enough…I ended doing some work for free to fix his mistakes because I care about my friend, but I didn’t really want to, but he kind of abused my good will and our relationship to get it done because he had promised some things would get done to his constituents but the person they now work with just isn’t very good at what he needs to be…whatever, I…anyways, that’s other stuff, not my actual job which was not technically affected by that political hatefulness…) .
Anyway, though somewhat strained (I also didn’t vote for him, which I made sure he knew…I wasn’t going to vote for him anyways), I still consider him a friend. He makes more concessions than he probably should in the business with regard to how he supports me with regard to work issues due to my anxiety and panic disorder and also my verbal and written communication issues. It’s rough though because he’ll push back against others who are trying to take advantage of my communication issues and inability to deal with conflict and go to bat for me, yet he abuses that and my kindness himself. Even with that…I’ve never had any other boss actually care enough to truly try to work around my problems and be concerned when it doesn’t appear that I’m doing well mentally.
And, though he doesn’t just come out and directly support me, he’s also not let my orientation or my non-conforming gender expression to ever be an issue. He just avoids talking about stuff like that. And, I’ve said all of this just to get to this point: some or most of this recent logging in and talking to me about Classic and D4 and badgering me to play is because I’ve been allowing myself to be more my true self with regards to displaying things physically that represents how I feel inside sometimes instead of limiting myself to just feeling that inside and not showing it even though I do express that part of me through actions, communication, and mannerisms. Even though I went through therapy off and on for years and tried to work this out at time, I for whatever reason that I don’t even know—probably anxiety-related and catastrophic thinking about outcomes, but it’s been so long that I don’t recall—about 20-ish years ago, I simply decided that it was best that I put strict limits on how I present physically—I’d only wear “traditionally male” clothing and quit trying to wear cosmetics etc—but still allowed myself to continue to be non-conforming with regard to mannerisms, communication, and roles as well as, of course, the internal thoughts.
He knows to a degree how I am inside, but I finally just said “oh well” and went in on Monday to our status meeting with some cosmetics on. He didn’t talk to me, even personally outside of work about it. Friday I also had to go in because my power was out, and I didn’t have some of what i was showing on Monday but still had some feminine things going on. Anyway, I think he’s trying to be somewhat supportive and maybe trying to connect to me better without addressing gender norms with asking me to play the games (I used to play some FPS games with him and little bit of Lord of the Rings Online [which, he used to play during work at times so I don’t feel bad when I take a few minutes here and there when WFH…I don’t really play any modern FPS games anymore though]). But, I don’t want to play with him right now, and he’s very pushy and wants to always be in control of what we—he, me, and other old friends—do and accomplish in games…that’s not new: that’s just how his personality has always been. I think he’s wanting to support me in a way without really knowing what really to do.
And, I don’t want to be mean, at least not directly mean, so I just hide. Like I do with all adversity and trials and tribulations and anxiety, I hide…sometimes hide and cry, but definitely hide. I’m not mad at him, but I don’t want to feel like hiding and then not even feeling like wanting to even play and relax like I had finally been doing again…but, I don’t feel like I have it in me to even talk about the subject of gender with him or to even just say “I don’t want to play with you right now nor want to talk about the game(s) with you, not because I don’t love you but because I just can’t right now.”
Sorry for going off on such a negative tangent of failure instead of talking positively about actual accomplishments. I’m not really looking for advice on this; I just felt like I’m backpedaling this week in terms of being more confident about things. I just needed to get that out without sending it to someone in DM on discord…I don’t want to be a bother to those who are so supportive of me 'cause they have their own problems recently. So, instead, I just bother everyone I guess. 
So, I think the only thing that I’ve done the past week that I would call an accomplishment was to listen to and care about the problems some friends from here are having and to try to give what comfort, support, and (probably bad) advice I could, to make them feel loved and that I treasure their friendship. It’s not really an accomplishment but just who I am, but it’s one of the few positive things right now.
Well, I guess I did already say this when discussing the above, but I did pushed beyond my fear to wear some cosmetics in to work and didn’t get any hateful remarks (at least not to my face), so I’ll take that as a win too.
