I was looking for another thing but I found this and omg it’s so cute.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOdFnlJdgjk&ab_channel=Valeria.
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Moms got her eyes on a potential puppy. Just imagine a very very smol pit bull.
She used to be terrified of pit bulls til a recent neighbor at this new place had one. I told her all the time if she just got near one that had a good owner, she’d understand. ( Also I knew she’d like their widdle baby faces ) So now she wants one lol.
Even as a cat person, this puppy is cute. If I get a picture I’ll show yall in discord.
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Since my brain has decided that I should get up even though it’s the weekend, and I’d onky been in bed 4-5 hours…again…I juet wanted to wish everyone a good day or okay day if that’s all you can manage: whatever is the best uou can get, that’s what I hope you have!
I regret spending over half a decade posting somewhat regularly on the forumschere but being too afraid of getting hurt and trolling to just be me 100%. I’m still a private individual, and I have some issues with both verbsl and written communication that many times means I write only fairly short messages of I use the GIFs or images to sit in for what I’d lije to say but can’t recall or find the words for—though those who have been kind enough to chat with me in dms on discord at length and are patient with my slow slow responding abilities and meandering speech can attest that I will type up huge responses when I feel safe enough. It took a massive troll spewing hate in some thread a few weeks ago and just a sour day for me where I wasn’t in my normally just-ignore/report-and-scroll-past mood. So, I finally spoke up, but I’ll admit that just like the bad actors who are trolling now, I realized that thread was heading to deletion and saying I was pansexual—and I didn’t even say it directly because I wasn’t sure what words are allowed on the forum—would only be up a short while, and then I could go back in my shell.
But, I’m glad I got some encouragement from a few folks. Fuzz was the only person from the forums that knew i was pansexual, I believe, and only for a short while. Super supportive and why I decided to push back enough against my anxiety and re-post here what I had posted in thst other thread and then continue posting openly about this side of myself.
Besides any hating and trolling us, I love ya’ll. Unrelate to my orientation or anything like that, my heart is always just overflowing, nearly-bursting, with love and care. We never came to root reason for that when I used to go to talk to professionals, but maybe it’s the extreme-at-times anxiety, the irrational worry for others I have: however, I don’t realy think so. Like, I can be totally stressed out, so anxiety-ridden nearing or in panic mode, and/or in a very dour, low state; yet, I still just feel like handing out love, caring, and kindess to everyone around even those that hurt me, even when I, logically, maybe shouldn’t have that much love in the heart-resevoir to hand freely given my own daily state…but, I do: I’m bursting with it: I give it freely.
I only explain that about myself because I want to say something. This love and caring I hand out is a platonic, friendly/neighborly caring kind of love and not at all romantic eros type of love. I just want to clarify that in case you see me say this again. I have to keep an eye on myself because I want to share so bad always, but try to catch myself saying it and delete or replace with a hug emoji or “I care” etc. But, what I want to blurt out is I love you. And, I love you, And, I love you. And, I love every good-hearted person on these forums and on this Earth. I care about ya’ll and wish you kindness and the best days you could possibly have…
Sorry, I know I’m weird, but this is just me.
I wish that more people in my area were more accepting.
I really just wanted to say you all have been awesome, and I wish I’d ooen years ago. Yeah, there’s trolls and hate, but everyone else, YOU ARE AWESOME.
edit: that’s longer than I realized…took a a very long time for me on the phone but didn’t realize it got that long. Sorry
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You’re awesome Pharazon <3
I always enjoy reading your thoughts and I’m glad you feel safe to express to yourself.
As for the trolling. My advice would be to identify when people intentionally want to misunderstand you and realize that it’s not your job to make them understand you. They thrive on the emotional reaction where people feel the need to justify themselves. It’s kinda like those emotional energy vampires. They want you to get into that state so they can feel a sense of power and control. So I’ve found that understanding that and finding the humor in it very effective. At the very least, it makes it easier to ignore and if you really do want to reply, to be sarcastic and make fun of them 
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Oh, I know. The best I can do is try to ignore. Even with the trolls, I can’t go to the making-fun-of route: that’s anathema to me. I still can’t help it and want to be kind to them, so just ignoring is what I attempt to do. A couple of people here can attest to how much I struggle with that: the caring about all to a fault.
Beyond taking advantage of my kindness and caring, which I just resign myself too really, there’s one case of this kind of power/control that hurts me so much. So, on the topic of power and control, I’ve said elsewhere, in other threads and on discord, that I have some damage from a TBI from an accident over 30 years ago, and it affects my ability to communicate with language (Broca’s aphasia with dysnomia). It effects both speech and writing/typing; basically, it’s just very difficult for me to recall words, and speech is…pausing. Typing, I can deal a little better, but there are some who really take advantage of me when having a verbal conversation. Now, some people are considerate. And, some interrupt me on accident, and that’s fine. Some, however, either figure out just by speaking with me that I have some kind of issue, or they have been told by me or someone else…and take massive advantage of it. There are some people I’ve interacted with that become vigilante of when the dysnomia hits, when there’s a lethological pause, and then boom they start talking over me and steal away my ability to say anything. It’s terrible, beyond frustrating, and it hurts so terribly, terribly bad to have the snatched from you. To be silenced. I should 
get mad 
, and I have been pushed too far here, but it’s really hard to express myself when angry like that: words really do not come well to me in that state. And, I’ve not lashed out like that for years as I’ve gotten older. What usually happens is just give up; I let them have that power because I really, really cannot communicate in the moment—I can’t—so, those people that use my disablity to gain what they want…they almost always get whatever they want from me. Sometimes, if it’s work-related, I might be able to later fight back a bit in an e-mail, but outside of that, Pharazon loses. If I’m talking, and I’m cut off in a moment of un-recall, I just, in the majority of cases, cannot get back to that, so it’s just gone.
So, if you see a post from me, and a appears somewhat disjointed, or you notice I’ve used some kind of verbose explaining of something in many words or sentences when it should have been a concise, single word or maybe a phrase…well, now you might have an idea of why. I should explain that when writing, I don’t write every sentence linearly in a row: I hit a recall issue, and if I can’t recollect the word after a bit, I will go on (sometimes I wait trying for a short, sometimes long). I may try to continue on with the sentence I’m thinking out, or it may be a full-stop 
and then I’m skipping ahead to start something new or skipping back or forth to work on other sentences that I left incomplete. I don’t have an issue with numbers (mathematical proofs are a different story), and I have a little less of an issue with source code than natural language.
Also, if anyone is ever in a more instant-messaging type situation with me, whether that’s in-game chat, or discord, or even faster-moving threads here, you might notice that my responses are usually way behind the flow of conversation. I apologize, but it’s like with someone interrupting me during talking during a dysnomia-halt: I have to keep typing what I’m trying to type through, to get through communication-wise, and I just cannot stop and read more messages made during the interim because it’ll just chop me off totally and I might not be able to continue. You might see Pharazon is responding and no post or message ever comes from me: it’s likely I hit a roadblock that I couldn’t overcome, maybe because I hate ignoring what people have been saying, so I’ll feel bad or get distracted and start reading…and that can mean I just can’t continue when I try getting back to any of the spots in my own text that I left black, but sometimes I can make it through that kind of interruption.
Please, no one, don’t think not keep trying, whether that’s a group chat situation or one-on-one with me. I’m joyous that some give me a little extra time, but it can take a long time for me to get at least some semblance of what I want to say out. If we were talking verbally, that’d be a bit different as I said above. And, it’s why Pharazon doesn’t get in voice chat, at least not in there and talk: basically the only time I do outside of work, is to help my blind friend either play a game or work on something because a lot of times no one else will help. But, he’s known me forever and is super considerate and patient, though even he will accidentally talk over me when I have a pause. I have to talk to at least some people while working multiple times a day, whether that’s in-person on the few times I’m in the office or on the phone (or, ugg, slack huddles or occasional zoom meeting). It’s just super frustrating for me to communicate verbally, so please forgive me for not joining in at least on the talking side; listening I can mostly do okay.
I’m sorry for talking so much about myself and not supporting everyone else as much as I could.
If you want an idea of how long it takes me to get things squared away in full sentences into a post like this, just compare the time-stamps of this post and Furrfist’s right above. I think this took about an hour and 15 minutes going by it, since I started it like just a minute after getting the notification. The one I posted above from my phone was closer to an 1:45 because I have a mild tremor so tapping on a phone on-screen-keyboard adds even more frustration and a lot of deleting.
And, I’m sorry for talking so much about myself, and not just jumping in with support for others and talking about other things.
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this is fascinating to me, and makes a bunch’a sense: human language (all the ones I know) are based on causality and that if one reads the sentence backwards it throws it all off (reminiscent of the circular language/life of the aliens in the movie Arrival, where they aren’t bound by linear time, just like we’re not forced to, I don’t know, always look west - we can look around in space, and those things could look around in spacetime). Like you say, it’s a linear thing. Math isn’t generally like that: 1+1=2 is the same as 2=1+1.
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Honestly I would have never guessed you were struggling with that cause I can fully understand what you’re saying. To me it comes across as a thoughtful and reflective style of writing where you’re sharing your thoughts/feelings. I kinda share that feeling cause whenever I write long posts it’s like a process of checking in with myself and how I really think about something and then I can end up getting lost as to whether it makes sense, or if I’m confusing myself or my point doesn’t make sense and so I end up deleting it.
It might be cause I used to enjoy writing stories, but I’ve been struggling to get back into it. But I think that’s also why I can understand you cause I’m used to catching the overall meaning of a piece of writing and then knowing which paragraph has the detail if I need to remember what was being said or if I need to check that I got the understanding right.
I feel sad that you’ve been made to feel less than because of this. I suspect it’s because people tend to feel uncomfortable with silence or conversational pause? And honestly, communication even when someone is not struggling with aphasia is such a confusing mess where it’s this whole process of figuring out common topics and all that, so I can’t imagine what you’re dealing with 
But I think it’s good that you share because we can learn more about this and at least if anyone encounters this IRL we can be more understanding.
Don’t worry about this! I notice my friends tend to say this a lot whenever they’re talking about their issues, and it’s like we’re not here doing transactions. As long as you feel better, understood, and supported then it’s all good.
There’s honestly something very satisfying about math as well. I used to HATE it when I was I was younger, but growing up and taking some math courses I found it very satisfying that if you practice hard enough you can start to see the pattern and it’s a reliant pattern at that.
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I know we may not all be able to reach it, but I wish everyone a beautiful day. 
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its ok to talk abt things here bc ppl at least in this thread care abt u. theres a lot going on in life rn, tbh its like one of the worst years since 2020 and a BUNCH of ppl agree with me… its been so bad so if you need to talk it out its fine. these are the times where we must come together as i feel like there will be tough times ahead.
take care all
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I wish everyone the best and wish for strength for all. The last 18 months or so have been a challenge, one of the toughest I’ve had. And, on top of that, I worry incessantly about others, not just loved ones IRL, but many of the posters here too and others online. If I could lift off your burdens and shoulder them myself, I would. Instead we just have to try to persevere and help support each other.
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Oh, I thought to share an update to this post for those who aren’t in the LGBTQIA+ discord.
My partner blood test did come back earlier in the week as negative, so he is able to get back to work.
The police has found the other driver, and turns out the other driver was uninsured, bit of a long story there as to maybe why, but I don’t have the exact details, but driving insurance isn’t exactly mandatory here in Australia, though the rules does vary depending on the state.
And my car was declared totaled by my insurance.
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I didn’t get to reply where I was on the phone and out to moms etc but glad he is able to go back to work and things are halfway figured out with the car / insurance!
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Wishing everyone a good day and sending hugs to those that need it 
. I just wanted to remind anyone who are going to get to see the eclplise to stay safe with the right eye protection and to watch out on the roads if you are driving in the areas of totality. Pharazon is in the path of totality, has taken off, and is sitting his rear at home. It will be interesting though at least.
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Australia misses out today, but it would be amazing to see.
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I can’t wait for the aliens to land or the poles to reverse or whatever crazy thing is supposed to come with the eclipse 
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I just want to see the everywhere have a weird dusk tint to it that reminds me of movies and shows putting a filter over the camera. Was cool to see.
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I got you fam.
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I don’t personally care about the actual watching of the eclipse but i do care about some of the vibes and energy. My friend pointed out on twitter that the solar eclipse in aries and the new moon will bring “powerful new beginnings, burning away the old, fated/karmic events to help your soul evolve and be better and greater. New opportunities and beneficial energy for transformation, shifts and newness.”
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Had a possible new puppy visit to see if we passed the vibe check. Now we’re just gonna get the place ready for her. Like getting a new big crate n stuff.
Vibe check passed. We instantly got plenty of snuggles and then the dog had a nap. Felt nice that they felt safe enough to do that.
Mom wants to name her Peach. Technically her dog so I gotta go with it lol. Just a Princess Peach reference. I wanted to go with something like Mimzy or Toast. But I can live with Peach as a name.
They’re kinda like a pit bull that got shrunk but have no health problems or anything. Like no stubby “Cuz its cuter” muzzle like Boston Terriers.
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I love puppers (and cats too), so hopefully you’ve found a new friend. 
My Zelda kitty is actually fully “Zelda Peach” so I like that pup already 
!
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