If you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom.
Thank you Legends of Avantris and Babbling Bitsy (Derek) for that one.
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A blond walks into a bar.
She says “owwwww”
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This is a long one but it’s my original:
So you know how Hollywood is remaking everything right? Back in the 80s or 90s Stephen King wrote this great book called Needful Things. It was a modern day Monkey’s Paw story, where you can wish for ANYTHING, 5 wishes. But each wish came with a negative. You had to be very specific with the wish. But anyways, they made a movie about it, and it was pretty good.
Well, Hollywood, being unoriginal as hell, are remaking the movie. They’ve cast Tom Hanks as the main character, but typical of all “remakes”, they changed a few things. The main thing is they changed the pawn shop to a bakery. They’re calling it…
Kneadful Things.
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What do you call a cow that has just given birth?
De-calfinated.
What does a naughty soccer player get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!
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Wife: Have you seen the dogs bowl? Me: No. I didn’t know he could.
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When does a joke become a “Dad joke”?
When it’s apparent.
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If a gnome mates with a murloc, what do you call their offspring?
Small fry
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What happened to the lady for Where’s The Beef…
She got hit by a BigMac… I’ll see myself out now
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Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes? It’s how they scan-di-navy-in.
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Dogs can’t use MRI machines
But cat scan
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I found these. I think they’re pretty good.
https://c8.alamy.com/comp/FD0ADN/golden-and-black-round-font-number-1-3d-render-illustration-isolated-FD0ADN.jpg https://yi-files.yellowimages.com/fonts/52000/52225/pr49zlk0z8.jpg https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4b/68/c6/4b68c64ec3e09b5be49b2a646b5beeef.jpg https://img.lovepik.com/fonts/18/12/04/640774e107af54722a6ca6a0368aa2d8.jpg_wh860.jpg
I must have lost my Trust Level due to not being active enough? Oh well, would have been funny to post a bunch of pictures of the number 1.
Here you go.
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By the time I realized my Dad knew what he was talking about I had a son who thought I didn’t.
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My go to with my kids has always been.
Them: I’m hungry!
Me: Hi Hungry, I’m dad.
Never fails to get a chuckle or a facepalm.
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I substitute bored in that one. The kids never like it, though.
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Why can’t gnomes be paladins? Because they can"t reach the light!
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
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How many gnomes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1 to hold the bulb and 2 to rotate the ladder.
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What did the Dorito say to the farmer?
Cool Ranch bro!
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Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re super good at it
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