My amazing husband decided he was going to make me dinner tonight while I play WoW. He’s about five minutes in and has already set off the fire alarm. 
I’m not sure what dinner will look like, but I love him so much for trying. 
I figured this would amuse people here. 
Feel free to share your own stories. 
Madam, I do not mean to cause offense, but your husband can surely not be that amazing if he is unable to simply prepare dinner without burning the entire house down! I daresay if I were to make such a heinous and unforgivable error, my formidable wife would quickly expel me from the family property.
Yesterday I was making a shrimp scampi, was going to throw some thyme in it because why not.
Unscrew the top and in typical cartoon fashion, dump the entire bottle into my sauce. I thought it was going to be a shaker… I was wrong
How does one make it to adulthood without basic cooking skills?
Eating at restaurants, parents, buying preprepared meals… Easy answer.
And ironically in literally no time at all you were out of thyme.
All my escapades in the kitchen have been half-baked concoctions - through all stages of my development.
I did this with macaroni and the pepper shaker a few weeks back… nobody wanted to eat it 
(to be fair I am usually a VERY accomplished cook, however I made a very grave miscalculation in taking off the top to the pepper shaker when it wasn’t coming out.)
Indeed Moritz, I am quite astonished at this startling revelation. At a very young age, my father instructed me in the art of cookery, his reasoning being that it is an essential lifeskill. If I recall exactly, he said " Your culinary skills will never leave you. She will".
Get your uber eats order ready
hey i make a mean grilled cheese and also scrambled eggs.
Normally I think I’m a decent cook, if I have a recipe. But pancakes always elude me.
There was one evening long ago I decided to try making pancakes for dinner. How hard could it be? Turns out very! For one I don’t think I put enough water in the mix. Couldn’t find the measuring cup so I kind of just eyeballed it…not very well.
Still went with it. I ended up I think pouring too much and the heat was probably off too. And the mix. You can’t call this a success in any form. They came out thick, lumpy, deformed and burnt on the surface because I couldn’t get the middle to cook properly.
I ate it anyways because I was hungry, but it was a sad dinner of failure. 
I’m just gonna stick to frozen waffles.
My daughter is feeding me tonight. She still thinks it’s fun.
If we are going to use ancient offensive stereotypes, Ill add mine.
Many years ago my wife said she was going to check the oil in the car for me. 30 minutes later she came in smiling shyly asking if I could her her find the “stick thingy”.
I just learned how to cook cause I was bored not cause I needed
Your husband has learned cooking from Nomi, call the fire department.
I burned water one time.
Or a priest to exorcise the Nomi demon…
If thy water boasteth a high methane content 'tis actually quite possible to so do.