(Requesting in advance to please pardon my blood alcohol content.)
Zenyatta: Ah, so we’re finally on a date, my dear Amelie. Genji recommended this experience to better understand humanity. I have been a fan of you for quite some time.
Widowmaker: Fans create a cool breeze. And I do so love ice cream in the morning. But morning can only come after… sleep.
Zenyatta: Should I call Mei?
Widowmaker: Mei scares me; she pretends to be sweet but is really the earthly manifestation of Satan. Her ice cream, it freezes your very soul. And when you die, she giggles. But… go to sleep. Go to sleep my dear Zenyatta so I can finally feel… alive.
Zenyatta: only after a little spirituality.
(52 hours later)
Zenyatta: …after cleansing spiritual impurities in favor of a peace of mind, one can focus all thought on a single point and achieve total clarity, with every last ounce of effort devoted to one thing. Total clarity, total effort. It is only then that we can conclude that humanity…
Widowmaker (with crazy bloodshot eyes: ) …DON’T YOU EVER SLEEP, YOU TIN CAN?! A SOUTH KOREAN PRO STARCRAFT PLAYER WOULD HAVE DIED AT HIS COMPUTER BY NOW!
Zenyatta: D.Va played Starcraft 94 hours straight and her mind… well… about her mind; that explains a few things.
Widowmaker: There is only one way I can feel alive tonight! (blows her own brains out with a gun and crumples into a dead bleeding mess.)
Zenyatta: Now I get to contemplate whether one can achieve enlightenment with brains sprinkled generously on the floor. Curious. I must seek out Genji for a dialogue on the matter (floats out.)
Doomfist: Sombra! Get a mop! Widowmaker blew her own brains out again.
Sombra: dammit, now I have to con Angela Ziegler into bringing her back to life again. Do you have any idea how hard it is to blackmail an angel? The pretty girl’s about as naughty as a nun.
Doomfist: This is why Widowmaker is not supposed to have any feelings. This is the fifth time she’s pulled this expletive this week. I am so sick of scooping her filthy brains off the floor, I can’t even tell you.
Sigma: in space, there IS no floor.
Doomfist: shut up, Mr. Tenure. Or I won’t get you the shoes I promised. Or that autographed Harry Potter straightjacket.
Sigma: rest in peace, floor; in space, nobody can hear you scream. Not even Harry Potter.