Various video game groups/clans I’ve joined.
Various RPG tables I’ve joined.
It’s either they don’t know how to behave around a woman or I become a vending machine of emotional labor for the whole group.
It is incredibly exhausting.
Of course, to express these things…
“It’s all in your head.”
“You just need to calm down.”
“You need a thick skin.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Not all men/gamers/etc.”
Most recently, I was lamenting my frustrations and they kept validating my feelings…until I realized they were being sarcastic the entire time.
I deleted all social media and have withdrawn from most of everyone because if there is a problem in every situation then the common denominator is me.
Reinforcing the idea that I am too broken, too dysfunctional, too messed up to ever have someone that actually, you know, has real consideration for my feelings.
No matter how much work I put into myself, I will never be good enough.
That being said, I continue to work on myself and I will never stop because I do it to please me. To make myself happy. I just never let anyone see much of The Real Me because the only person I can trust to treat me well IS me.
The pendulum swings between,
This is the best thing I could have ever done for myself!
To,
I will be spending the rest of my life with no friends, no family, and no one that understands me, let alone respects me. And that is the most depressing.
Sprinkled with the occasional rage at society as a whole.
However, the fits of rage are beginning to subside and the novelty of the benefits is wearing off but I take comfort in the fact that I am doing all I can not to bother/burden/ruin another person’s life.
That is pretty much where my head is at - as far as humans are concerned.