For some reason I’m reminded of a fellow I knew in City of Heroes.
Clearly Saul Rubenstein is in charge of the game now.
—Phone Ringing—
Ascendant: Hello, are these the offices of Saul Rubenstein, Agent to Paragon’s Elite?
Ascendant: Great. Can I speak to him? I’m a client.
Ascendant: Ascendant. No, with an A. D-A-N-T.
Ascendant: Ok, I’ll hold.
Ascendant: —lor said "Brandy, you’re a fine girl, what a good wife you would be, but my life, my love and m—
Ascendant: Hello, Saul, it’s Ascendant.
Ascendant: No, the one with an A.
Ascendant: I’m glad you asked. I’ve been going over these products you’ve sent me—
Ascendant: Right, for the merchandizing campaign…
Ascendant: Well, no, they aren’t. That’s why I’m calling, actually.
Ascendant: I’m not really happy with them.
Ascendant: Well, for starters, there’s the breakfast cereal.
Ascendant: Right, Ascendant-O’s.
Ascendant: Ok, it says here on the box, “Includes Xenonite, the Secret Source of Ascendant’s Power.”
Ascendant: Well, for one thing, Xenonite is NOT the secret source of my powers.
Ascendant: No, Saul… No, it isn’t. Trust me on this.
Ascendant: Saul, Xenonite TAKES AWAY my powers.
Ascendant: Yeah, it does. In fact, if I’m exposed to it too long, it could kill me.
Ascendant: I dunno. It’s got something to do with radioactivity, I think.
Ascendant: Anyway, I poured a bowl of Ascendant-O’s yesterday to see what they taste like and nearly died before I could finish adding the milk.
Ascendant: Well, if the cat hadn’t come along and eaten it all, I would have, Saul.
Ascendant: My point is that we aren’t going to be selling Ascendant-O’s…
Ascendant: Because, Saul, I’m not putting on a lead suit every time I have to go to the cereal aisle in the grocery store.
Ascendant: I don’t care if you have already have a lot of pre-orders for it.
Ascendant: Really? How much?
Ascendant: From who?
Ascendant: Ok… Right… Yeah… Uh huh… Him, too? Really?
Ascendant: Yeah, well the problem here is that all those guys you just mentioned are supervillains, Saul.
Ascendant: Yes, even him. I just beat him up like an hour ago for trying to poison the city’s water supply.
Ascendant: I don’t care if his check cleared, Saul. That’s not the point…
Ascendant: Well, of course they’re going to use it to try and kill me, Saul.
Ascendant: Why else would a bunch of supervillains want a kid’s cereal laced with the one rare radioactive element I’m vulnerable to?
Ascendant: No, I don’t think they just want a well balanced breakfast.
Ascendant: Ok, as far as I’m concerned, this is a dead issue, Saul. Big NO on Ascendant-O’s.
Ascendant: Moving on: The Ascendant action figure.
Ascendant: No, I’m very disappointed, actually.
Ascendant: Well, for starters, it comes with a laser sword and a talking dinosaur that I supposedly ride into battle.
Ascendant: I don’t have either one of those things, Saul.
Ascendant: I don’t care if the focus groups thought it would be cool.
Ascendant: That’s utterly ridiculous, Saul.
Ascendant: Yes, it is. For one thing, where am I going to get a laser sword? Or a talking dinosaur, for that matter?
Ascendant: Fine, whatever. Anyway, I’m also a little concerned about the fact that it features “Burning Halo Action…”
Ascendant: Right, but aside from the fact that I don’t actually have that power—
Ascendant: No, Saul, I don’t.
Ascendant: I’d know it if I did, Saul, trust me.
Ascendant: Aside from the fact that I don’t have anything like a Burning Halo power, do you really think it’s a good idea to sell kids an action figure that can spontaneously burst into flame?
Ascendant: I see… Well, we’re going to hold on that until I approve a redesign.
Ascendant: Moving on. The Ascendant Cave Action Playset.
Ascendant: Yeah, I actually like this thing. It doesn’t look anything like my apartment, but it’s pretty cool, I guess.
Ascendant: What do you mean they changed the name so it could fit on the box?
Ascendant: Well, sure, I guess Ascendant Cave Action Playset is a little long, but couldn’t they use a smaller font?
Ascendant: Fine, so what do they call it now? The Action Cave? Ascendant’s Lair? What?
Ascendant: The A-Hole?!?!?!
Ascendant: Why on Earth would they call it the A-Hole, Saul?
Ascendant: Yes, I understand the A is short for Ascendant, you moron, but why not call it the A-Cave? or the A-Lair?
Ascendant: Uh huh… Yeah… I see…
Ascendant: Well, we’re NOT calling my secret headquarters the A-Hole, Saul, and that’s final.
Ascendant: Because I don’t want people to hear the word “Ascendant” and immediately think “A-Hole.”
Ascendant: Ok, moving on. The Ascendant Action Hour TV Show.
Ascendant: Right. I actually like the opening animation of me that you’ve put together.
Ascendant: Right, the one where I’m sheathed in a burning halo of flame, riding around the city on a talking dinosaur, hitting bad guys with my laser sword and eating chunks of raw Xenonite.
Ascendant: I mean, that’s still not anything remotely close to real life, but I guess it looks pretty cool and the theme song is pretty catchy, so I’ll let it pass for now.
Ascendant: It’s the rest of the show that I have problems with, Saul.
Ascendant: Well, for one thing, outside of the opening theme part, the show itself is apparently just old episodes of Nightline, except every time someone says “Ted Koppel,” you dub over it with “Ascendant.”
Ascendant: I don’t care if each episode only costs $22.50 plus shipping to make, Saul. In fact, I don’t think you can even legally broadcast it.
Ascendant: What offshore Pirate transmitter?
Ascendant: Saul, that’s a federal offense.
Ascendant: Yes… Yes, it is.
Ascendant: Yes, someone WILL care… They’re called the FCC, Saul.
Ascendant: Look, Saul, I’ve got to fire you.
Ascendant: I don’t see where you’ve left me much choice, Saul.
Ascendant: You’re selling cereal that can kill me to my archenemies, you’ve made my action figure not only ludicrous but potentially lethal to kids, and you’re committing felonies by broadcasting illegal transmissions of Nightline from off shore.
Ascendant: Oh, and I almost forgot, you’re selling an action playset which proudly proclaims on the box that “Ascendant stores all of his most precious items inside his incredible A-Hole.”
Ascendant: And worst of all, my name is stamped all over all of this, Saul… I’m the one who’s going to be sued, or killed, or arrested… Maybe in that order, too.
Ascendant: Saul…
Ascendant: Saul…
Ascendant: Stop crying Saul…
Ascendant: Look… I know you tried your best.
Ascendant: (Sigh)… Ok, Fine…
Ascendant: Look, Ok, but just one more chance, Saul…
Ascendant: Just don’t do anything more until we can have a meeting, Saul.
Ascendant: No… For the last time, NO Broadway musical! Don’t even MENTION that idea again.
Ascendant: Ok, bye.
