The E! True Hollywood Story of how my Retribution Paladin got Ashkandi

Like always…guild names and player names will be left out of this post for obvious reasons. The only thing I can say is that this happened on the realm Benediction.

Also, keep in mind that this happened not long after the release of BWL.

The first thing you need to know about getting loot for your Retribution Paladin in BWL…is that it is like a starving monkey trying to steal grapes from obese warriors.

First you have to be a good salesman. What are you selling to the guild? You are selling the old Nightfall Axe scam. It’s how you get your foot in the door. Hopefully, the GM is a caster. If so you say “Excuse me sir (or ma’am) how would you like to increase your damage by 15%? Well I have the solution. If you bring me to your raids not only will I increase your damage by 15% but I will also increase the damage of all of the casters in the raid by 15%. Now…before you respond I know what your thinking…Retribution Paladins have garbage dps. But ponder on this my friend…if you took all of the casters +15% increase in damage combined and added it on top of my damage…well I would out damage everyone in the raid. Now I can tell you are a smart man (or women) and you only want whats best for your guild…so help me help you improve your raids overall performance. How’s that sound buddy?”

Hopefully, that sales pitch will get your foot in the door. Which is what it did for me…and I was able to get in a guild that cleared MC, BWL, and Ony in one night every week.

Even though this was a DKP guild it was filled with thirsty warriors. I knew the competition was stiff from day 1. I was told from the beginning that almost every warrior in the guild wanted Ashkandi and that I was not allowed to bid DKP for Ashkandi until every warrior in guild had bought it first. It was made clear that under almost no circumstance was my Retribution Paladin going to get this “warrior” weapon.

So after raiding with the guild for a few weeks…we are on the final fight in BWL. Nefarian dies. I can hear gasps on discord as Ashkandi drops. While my starving Paladin sits trembling in the corner…I listen to the excited obese warriors cheer for joy as they bid their DKP in whispers. Whose it going to be…whose going to win the big prize??? Well to no ones surprise the dwarf main tank fury warrior (who had equipped Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker) bid the highest amount of DKP for the weapon. Some say he went all in on that weapon…shoved all of his poker chips from months of raiding right towards the middle of the table. I heard the losing warriors groan in disappointment as they congratulated him.

I then hearthed back to Stormwind where I received a whisper…“You’re raiding for us as a Retribution Paladin, right?” The whisper was from him…the main tank…the winner of the Ashkandi. I replied “Yea that’s me. Grats on the Ashkandi by the way.” He then said “Meet me at the water fountain near the front of Stormwind.” I rushed over to the fountain to see what he wanted. He then opens trade and hands me Ashkandi and says “Enjoy!” Then he goes on discord and says “I gave the Ashkandi to our Retribution Paladin…”

All of the sudden on discord you began to hear the gates of Hell opening up. The first thing I heard from another warrior was “YOU DID WHAT???” Another warrior chimed in “I RAIDED MONTHS FOR THAT WEAPON AND YOU GAVE IT TO A RET PALLY! ARE YOU SERIOUS?” And then it turned into a bar room brawl with chairs flying across the room. It was like a herd of cats in a street fight…to the death.

Eventually after a lot of abuse from the angry mob…the main tank says “I’m done with this guild. I’m sick of this drama…go find someone else to tank for you because I won’t anymore.” Then he /gquit. I could hear gasps on discord as their main tank road off into the sunset towards greener pastures.

One day I might tell you how I got Crul’shorukh, Edge of Chaos on my Retribution Paladin.

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If you guys don’t give a like to this post then you’re all evil.

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Almost all our paladins have ashkandi because arms sucks for raids and nightfall doesn’t proc enough or long enough to matter.

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This happened not long after the release of BWL.

Why did I read this in Asmongold’s voice?

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Reading this now because this is gonna be good and I haven’t even started yet!

Read an epic paladins tale, and while I can’t confirm these events, you sir are a god among paladin.

I hope to see you and your cunning blade of the brotherhood in battle.

Good blog update.

Good for you and the main tank. Enjoy the hell outta that sword.

An amusing story. I don’t believe a word of it, but it was amusing.

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I get that ret paladins suck, but it always disgusts me when guilds give to off spec over main spec.

TLDR version:

How to get ashkandi as a ret pally in 3 easy steps

  1. have ashkandi drop
  2. have the person who won the ashkandi give it to you for no discernible reason
  3. call that person “obese”
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You’re wrong, and I’ll tell you why.

Calling them obese is the first step.

I disagree, but, in any event, the story reminds me of a Playboy magazine letter to the editor from days of yore.

“Dear editor, I never believed these letters to the editor were true, but let me tell you what happened to me when I found myself alone in an elevator with a beautiful askhandi and a perky Crul’shorukh. . . .”

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If his story is to be believed, he started calling the warriors obese before even stepping foot into BWL! I believe this was an integral part of obtaining Ashkandi.

Ashkandi isn’t even BiS for 2 handers though. Hand of Ragnaros and Bonereaver’s are both better. And now we have Dark Edge of Insanity which has an absolute godly proc for PvP on top of the insane damage.

I guess Alliance probably want it because it looks cool which is why people roll Alliance in the first place.

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Not just PVP, the affect is good for trash, as is 2h cleave. Alliance don’t have axe skill but you already mentioned BRE which is better than Asscandy.

Cool story bro.

What’s the point of DKP if you can’t even use it to get an item that’s MS for you and OS for warriors?

Great post. I could smell the rage sweat off the warriors who flipped out over it.

Also, we have a Hunter in our guild with Ashkandi.