It had been a rough few years. There had been peace amongst the forum for a significant amount of time after Mist Of Pandaria’s end, though that changed when the dastardly Battle For Azeroth came. After the incident at Teldrassil, hopes for a good story dropped faster than Steve Danuser tripping down a flight of stairs. Arguments erupted everywhere, primarily amongst the main factions. The Alliance, the Horde, and the NEFPAs.
The Alliance wanted to be the bad guys, but any mention of this was countered with the J. Allen Brack maneuver, “You think you do but you don’t.” The Horde didn’t want to be punished for its actions, but the victims wanted retribution. The Night Elf Forum Posting Alts wanted satisfaction through nothing less than perfection. Blizzard got what it wanted: a faction war. The company’s wish for warfare was a corrupted one though, as each controversial event made each faction lose posters, though the NEFPAs mostly lost their own through culling any of their number who engaged in wrongthink.
The horrors of war were upon the Story Forum, but it was just one forum. The World of Warcraft had other forums too, and they were in secret cosmic warfare with each other, lead by mysterious players, acting as bosses to posters, working for the plans of their boss’s bosses boss’s bosses. At the time of one poster’s despair, upon learning before the Cataclysm that she would not be able to see the zones of World of Warcraft as they had originally been (atleast until Classic), she flung herself off Icecrown with the intention to delete her character afterward, but was messaged by one of the enigmatic 4D chess-playing masterminds, convincing her to continue on for the good of the lore-goers. He helped her realize that the story forums were a prison, just like the story itself, and that she must set the posters free. So she waited, for years, watching tensions build, seeing the hidden landmines that Kosak and Metzen buried in the plots, watching the drama sown by the unseen guests who had infiltrated the discord chats, and when the change in warchief came she lit the fuse.
Every member of its faction had triggers, plot points that would set their posts off into certain directions when mentioned, and with twitchy fingertips she built up animosity. Her master had taught her manipulation, how to misdirect and disguise herself, so no one knew the wiser when she colored herself with a shade of blue. The Horde were her people, but the NEFPAs were arrows in her quiver, and she got sadistic glee in pitting them against each other. It hadn’t always been that way; she use to defend the forum and its posters, but she lost part of her soul that day in Icecrown. When she set out to burn the forums, did she have any self awareness that she was as bad as Blizzard?
The arguments and the forum fighting built up, and then one day it reached a head. The faction partisans were at each other’s throats, barely able to contain the urge to toss toxic blight in the same manner as she had done, willing to risk their posting privileges in mutually assured self destruction. A topic had been made to address this, but the thread was a train and the posters were on opposite sides of the track ready to derail it. Though not all of the posters were against the other factions, and some had come together despite the partisans disapproval. As good as that sounded, she had planned for this so as to cause more destruction.
As this was happening, there were larger threats at play. Thirsty eldritch forces had taken over Blizzard’s offices in Irvine, and they sought to sate their thirst in unsavory ways. On their end, a union called the Champions Of Activision worked to defeat this otherworldly threat, and some posters sought to help them. They might not have been able to help outside the World of Warcraft, but they did try to help from within. Within a group called the Community Council.
She was a part of it, and every Council member’s feedback was importantly needed. One poster, who was like a sister to her, realized this and messaged his husband to discuss the matter. The lovers had many differences, which some might not have expected. One was an Elf and the other a Human, one of the Light and the other not. Peculiar differences, but they happened to work.
“Thadeus. May we speak?” Cursedwords asked. Courteous as ever, the Christian replied in a timely manner. “Of course.”
“Evelysaa is patient. She knows we have precious few posters left. While we lay siege to her thread, she will whittle away at our numbers. But Evelysaa is not the only threat we face. The lawsuit is happening. I can read the headlines… sense the naughty tendrils writhing all around us.”
Thadeus sighed as he saw the text before replying. “I know, Cursedwords. What are you suggesting?”
“Evelysaa commands what may be the only posters capable of defeating the evil inside Blizzard. For the sake of the forum… perhaps we should stand aside and let her.” Cursedwords suggested. Thadeus stared at his screen slackjawed. Was he for real?
“Evelysaa will not fight for us, Cursedwords. When Evelysaa realized the expansion was on the cusp of ending, she lured both factions into Final Fantasy’s hands. Not to find victory, but to meet death. We cannot wage two wars. Evelysaa must fall. Here. Now. Before all is lost.”
“It shall be so, my love. I will scout her thread for weaknesses.”
With that, Cursedwords and Thadeus kissed their screens in timed synchronicity before going their separate digital ways. The time had come and the reckoning was at hand. Posters were gathering in Evelysaa’s thread prepared to do battle. While watching some of them post, two messaged each other. Alynsa typed a message to Evelysaa’s foe.
“Lenastus… it’s time. These posters have sworn to fight. For you. Many accounts will be lost.”
Lenastus thought for a moment, before replying. “Or perhaps… just one.”
Meanwhile, Evelysaa and her allies were preparing. Shernish had agreed to defend Evelysaa due to the honor of her being on the Community Council, though Shernish had probably mistranslated the definition of “honor” from English to Russian, resulting in something about robbers and jello. Doness had agreed to help Evelysaa as well, though as a sake of his own greed. With forum wars come several liked posts which he hoped to profit off of. Now he was deleting several of those posts, as supporting Evelysaa had backfired. He had to get rid of the posts showing him virtue signaling in support of her. Akiyass had been an ally but she refused to help in the thread, so Evelysaa sent a forum noob to beat her up. Then came a post from Lenastus.
“Evelysaa! I challenge… mak’gora!” With that, Evelysaa typed a reply. “Why should I accept your challenge?” It’s then that Micah arrived, having decided to whiteknight for her, making a post announcing the Worgen’s own arrival. “
”
“You want to make me suffer.” Lenastus replied. It’s then that Alynsa had a realization; this was predicted in one of Yvenathilm The Mad’s lounge posts! “Wait, you can’t win. I set you on this path, but you can stop here.”
Micah made a random post. “” Then Lenastus posted. “We knew where it could lead. Let it be finished.”
It’s then that the argument began. Lenastus threw posts calling out Evelysaa, but she countered them. Accusations were dodged and rebuttals were delivered. She typed messages as smoothly as Richard Knaak wrote purple prose. Then she took a big hit.
“You tried in the Ardenweald thread. You failed. You tried in Ainhin’s Lordaeron thread. You failed. You just keep failing. The Horde will endure… and so will the NEFPAs!”
Crap. The NEFPAs unexpectedly allied with the Horde. Her arrows.
She had to act fast, and hit them hard. She had to hit them where it hurts.
Time slowed down. She looked around her desk. Her hand moved away from the mouse. She took a potato chip… AND ATE IT!
“NEFPAs… are nothing!” Shock and awe. “…?” No one else posted for a long while. Eventually Lenastus replied.
“FOR THE HORDE!” Evelysaa reported his post for spam. It disappeared from view. Lenastus was gone. That last reporting banned him from the forums.
Elsewhere in cyberspace, Erevien felt a shockwave. Something was wrong in the Force. A Horde poster was gone.
“You are all nothing!” Evelysaa posted, including a fart gif in the post before leaving. After awhile someone posted. “I think she’s done.” Then celebratory posting began. “!” That simply, the war was over.
Evelysaa’s manipulations ended sooner than planned, but her master’s scheming was not finished. Her lover Renautus, her faithful and loyal servant, was given a task to aid in what was to come. An’she had grown in popularity, its threads headed by Baalsamael. Evelysaa tasked Renautus with disrupting these threads and trolling Baalsamael for what would be next. That being, yet another crappy expansion.
