Man, life is rough isn’t it?
You’re small, fragile, and weak. Maybe you have a crippling mana addiction too that you just can’t kick. Or maybe you’re just tired of being some variant of boring colors like peach or brown.
Well, you’re in luck because I have exactly the race for you!
TROLLS! That’s right! All your worries will melt away once you choose the troll lifestyle.
Don’t like being short? TROLLS! Now you’re 8ft tall MINIMUM.
Hate that it takes hours to heal a papercut? TROLLS! Now YOU can regenerate entire limbs as easily as other races get over the common cold!
Want to open a can but you have no can opener? TROLLS! Now you’ve got a pair of spiffy tusks that will tear that can right open!
And that’s not all! Order now and you get a free delightful accent, a variety of crazy hairstyles, and that sweet sense of superiority you get from not playing one of those pedestrian standard fantasy archetypes.
And to top it all off they come in a variety of colors! Green, blue, purple, brown. Do you want bright red or green hair? Maybe PURPLE? TROLLS! They got you covered!
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!
Are you worried that switching to troll will deny you that special magical aptitude your current race has? That sweet mastery of the arcane and the power to bend reality to your will?
Well fret not! Switching to troll gives you free access to Da Voodoo, a limited edition form of magic unique to trolls and ONLY trolls!
Do you like dark magic? Da Voodoo be dark! Do you like nature magic? Da Voodoo be nature! Do you like warping reality in increasingly implausible ways? Well Da Voodoo got you covered there, too! Voodoo can do basically anything as the plot demands but at MASSIVE DISCOUNT PRICES. Why spend thousands of gold buying rare reagents and expensive mana crystals when you can get the same result with some wooden fetishes and bones? That’s right! The same crazy magic power as your standard elf but you don’t even need to go to the store! Just go into your back yard, grab some random sticks and leaves, and BAM! Instant sorcery!
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!!
Giant glowing windchimes trying to heal all your scars got you down? Is the vengeance of Elune not all it’s cracked up to be? Are the whispers of the Void Lords echoing in your mind starting to get on your nerves? Well do I have a deal for you!
With just one easy payment YOU TOO can have your very own LOA.
What’s a loa you ask? Why, it can be basically anything you want it to be! Want to worship a cool giant animal with magic powers? LOAS’ have that! How about a smooth talking, skull wearing con man? LOAS’ have that too! Want to worship wisps for some reason? That too can be a LOA! That’s right. You get VARIETY in religious figures the likes of which no other race has access to!
And what a variety that is!
We’ve got giant raptors with sexy voices! We’ve got tigers with a stringent honor code!! We’ve got giant turtles that tell bedtime stories!!! We’ve got giant pterrordaxes that drop really big rocks on things!!! We’ve got GIANT TYRANNOSAURUS’ THAT RADIATE HOLY LIGHT!!!
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!!!
Do you like class variety? BECAUSE WE GOT CLASS VARIETY.
Between the two troll flavors, Classic and Zandalari, you can be basically any class in the entire game except Demon Hunters, and who needs Demon Hunters when you can be a paladin riding a holy direhorn or a druid that turns into dinosaurs? That’s right, you don’t!
To top it off each class is steeped deeply in that sweet trollish flavor, making playing a troll of any class a unique and compelling experience!
Troll paladin? You worship a giant glowing t-rex! Not some fancy glow-sticks or nebulous, impersonal “Light” nonsense!
Troll druid? Two flavors! Classic Cenarion with a twist of Gonk or a full on Gonk worshiping Loa Priest that can shapeshift into various dinosaurs!
Troll hunter? Headhunter, shadow hunter, dinomancer, or beastlord? Trolls got hunting traditions out the wazoo!
Troll priest? You wanna worship Rezan? Bwonsamdi? Another loa? Maybe you just want to play a voodoo witch dcotor? All are viable with just a sprinkle of that delicious troll flavor!
All this and MORE is available to you! All you need to do is order TROLL now!
BUT. WAIT. THERE’S. MORE!!!
Do you like pyramids? Do you like gold? Do you like ancient ruins of long-gone civilizations? Do you like jungles, forests, or even vast deserts? Well TROLLS have it all! They run the gamut from living in small tribal communities to massive, epic cities and everything in between!
They even come in several delicious TROLL flavors! Drakkari Ice, Amani Lime, Gurubashi Blueberry, Farraki Lemon, and Zandalari Fruit Punch! Each with their own set of LOA, their own rich histories, their own unique customs, and their own grievances and motivations! That’s right, TROLLS have more diversity within their own race than some FACTIONS have with multiple races!
So stop punishing yourself by playing slow, weak, fragile, and derivative races. Try TROLL today!
If you call now we’ll throw in a FREE DINOSAUR at no additional cost!
TROLLS!