Being a real person living on Azeroth is just one existential nightmare after another, from Vanilla onward.
Iâm just someone living my best life on Azeroth, just doing my thing. Well, as good of a life as it can be with all the zombies and ghouls and skellingtons, murder wolves, murder wolfmen, horse-sized spiders and the like. But yâknow, rent is cheap and eggs donât cost 10 gold a carton, so it could be worse.
Three years later
It got worse. The demon invasion from the portal down the road and the zombie invasion that followed a year after that sucked, but it didnât change much for my life. But then an apocalypse dragon flew around, and my cousin in Westfall had her house fall into the ocean, and she was still in it. I still have my zombie and wilflife problems, but now thereâs orcs running down the road screaming âblood and thunder, Hellscreams eyes upon youâ and theyâre murdering everyone. I tried to book passage on a boat to Southshore to get away from the death and chaos, but we saw the blight clouds wafting in the breeze and now weâre turning back to the Wetlands.
Two more years later
Thank uhh⌠Thank the titans all that chaos is over. For no reason I know of, all the fighting suddenly moved away to some island called Pandamania, so I got some sleep finally. Things have quieted down, asside from a brief invasion by time travelling alien orc invaders. Things are starting to gone together. Life is actually good!!
Two more years later
Not good!! Not good at all!! Life is very, very bad!!!
Suddenly there was a whole demon invasion? Not just regular demons, these guys had space ships and fel lasers!!! Who got the bright idea to give demons space ships and fel lasers??? What is even happening there?!?
But then like⌠The world got stabbed by a doubled-up skyscraper that caused the entire planet to vomit up magic!! And now because of that, for some reason we were at war with the Horde again!! This is like the third time or something, and this time went much worse because I woke up one day and Genn Greymane was grabbing people from their farms and pressing them into war!! He grabbed me and said âcongratulations soldier, welcome to the Grand Army of the Allianceâ and I said wolf-guy, Iâm barely even a farmer here, I canât fight!!!
And you know what he did? Genn? Genn looked me dead in the eye, just right dead in the eye and he said âyouâve somehow managed to survive two demon invasions, a zombie invasion, two Horde invasions, an apocalypse dragon and so much more. Youâll find a way to survive this, soldier!!â
Then right as he shoved a spear in my hands and told me to figure it out, Anduin called him on his hearthstone and said âitâs over, she said weâre nothing and flew awayâ and then Genn left. Before I could even shout âwhat is even happening,â Randy Nezmith down the road sprouted tentacles and started chanting âPhânglui mglwânafh Nâzoth Nyâalotha wgahânagl fhtagnâ and tried to sacrifice me to his dark god!!
But then I blinked, literally blinked, and everything was back to normal.
It cannot get more insane than this.
Next year
IT GOT SO MUCH MORE INSANE!!!
Thereâs zombies and skellingtons everywhere!! All over the world, itâs just zombies and skellingtons and Mawthornes and I just donât even know what else!! All the kings and queens got kidnapped, and then something starting sucking out the planetsâ soul and my therapist died but a blue angel brought him back and now Iâm giving therapy to my therapist!! Everythingâs quieting down now, but I think Jaina forgot Anduin was with her because she came back without him.
I swear, those two years of relative quiet just made everything worse. At this point, if things get quiet for just one year, Iâm going to pre-emptively freak out.
Six years later
I AM FREAKING OUT!!!
Next year
Oh thank God Titan Azeroth, itâs another void thing. These always blow over pretty quickly and we should be fine.
⌠Right?