"It is with heavy hearts that Kittys must informs yous Kittys no has success in confirms whereabouts of Azeroths most elegible bachelors.
If we’s no can finds most elibigle bachelors, theys NO will be loves in airs for festivals in 2 months.
If theys no is loves in airs, we’s no gets cakes.
If we’s no gets cakes, theys no is reasons to lives.
Thanks yous. The ends."
Greetings blood-child Kittys!
I am here to tell you that your search is at an end.
As the Voice of the Lord Tact, and currently single, I am Azeroth’s most eligible bachelor. The Lord Tact, God of All Marital States, has prophesied this, and it has come to pass.
Consider the following: I am the head of a religion, my religion is legitimate, and my religion is also the One True Faith. The Lord Tact commands us to spill the blood of Azeroth, and I have spilled the blood of a great many people*. There is no greater sign of an eligible bachelor than the stain of the blood of thousands dried into his robe.
Unfortunately, the most eligible bachelor on Azeroth only goes after people who can actually spell the plural form of “kitty.” The Lord Tact will suffer no terrible grammar. By his divine grace, he sometimes tolerates improper but still clear modes of communication, or slight misspellings. Unfortunately, that does not apply here.
Hail Tact!
* All persons, person-entities, or corporate persons whose “blood” was “spilled” have definitely signed a consensual blood dispersion form and at least five waivers. Also, if you’re a member of the Stormwind City Guard, you have to tell us.
Dear Mr. Tacts,
Perhaps yous is can puts yous names to use and practice TACTS when yous address a Ladys. While yous resumes offers most desirables qualifications, yous is snoots and snobs whose makes unfounds accusations against Kittys whose HAPPENS to be importants persons.
If yous likes class in etiquettes and manners, Kittys is happys to teach. Yous must brings utensils to writes, parchments, clean shoes, worg steaks and aprons alongs with fees of 5,000 golds.
Thanks yous,
Ladys Kittylicious of Stormwinds
Duchess of Draenors
PS - If yous robes is STAINS of thousands of bloods of mans, please no ever enters fashion shows. And I’s bets yous underwares is dirtys.
To the Most Sublime Ladys Kittylicious of Stormwinds, Duchess of Draenors and who’s quest for love pierces even the veils of the twisted nether and reaches my ears on another world.
While I am far and distant from you, do not despair in your quest. Love, worthy of your most exquisite gaze, shall indeed prevail in it’s attempts to find you.
I admit, I am no grand Lord or Founder of a Religion. I am but a single father, a once commander in the Alliance Aerial Fleet, and a retired soldier still doing what I can to aid those in need. I do fear that your attentions require one of greater station than myself.
I am also kept away by forces of us being on two different worlds. A dwarven friend of mine is attempting to find a way to create a tear, to let me cross over, for but a moment, to drink in your eloquence.
With warm regards from the stars,
She would swoon and giggle girlishly at his words.
Dear Sirs,
Yous has ways with words and yous CERTAINLYS knows how to talks to a Ladys.
I’s likes to thanks yous for yous words of encourage. While Kittys is has finds loves before, all my marrys is has comes missings or dies. But please no let that concerns yous! I’s promise next ones will be differents!
Has yous Dwarfs friends to please steps on it and hurrys ups. I’s looks forwards to meets a mans of yous statures and stuffs.
In meantimes, the search must continues.
Aye, I am working on the transversal gnomish zapper transporty thingabobber, but last time I sent a wee Murloc through it, it came back scrambled into an omelet.
Not a good omelet. It had sausage on it.
Excuse me, but insulting omelette with sausage is a transgression I simply can not suffer. While I will agree that a murloc omelette would likely not have sausage in it you shouldn’t speak ill of it.
(A roll of parchment is delivered clearly bearing the handwriting of someone who is not familiar with writing in common)
Dearest Lady Kittylicious of Stormwind, Dutchess of Draenor,
Word of your search has captivated the entire realm of Azeroth, including my humble home of Booty Bay.
I know you’re seeking a man, and probably someone who is alliance affiliated, but who needs men when you could have a smart capable goblin woman by your side?
Men are dumb, and they smell bad. A goblin woman could provide the mental stimulation you seek and ahem so much more. I hope you’ll consider my offer and maybe we could meet for more tea and cakes.
I look forward to hearing from you soon,
-Trade Princess Senneca Swiftsilver
Swiftsilver Cartel
Well I THINK it was sausage. Not sure. We tied up a Murloc, set him on the Multi-versal Transporter Thingybob and POOF! He vanished.
Then a plate of omelets appeared. With sausage on it. And a fork.
Either it was the Murloc or he gots himself a job as a short order cook wherever he ended up. He sent back a letter the next week, saying he was happy living inside a big apple.
Murlocs are strange I tell yew.
Anyway till I can make sure my Paladin friend is not scrambled into an omelet or worse, ends up in an apple, I cannae risk teleporting him to this dream of emeralds world.
Kitty reads the letter with intrigue and interest before penning a reply in hopes it would reach the Goblin
“Dear Princess…”
“Waits…whats?” she said to herself. “Princess? Hows HERS a Princess? Kittys no even is Princ…” she pauses. “This NO can be! Hers NO can be Princess. I’s NO allows it!” She would continue writing her letter
“It has comes to Kittys attentions that yous has interests in Kittys and I’s assumes this interests is politicals. While I’s a very importants persons and stuffs, I’s also likes to personallys responds to anyones whose contacts me. Kittys is VERYS interests in yous mentals stimulations and yous mentions so much mores…”
She stopped again. “Hers is wants to trains Kittys hows to officiallys be Goblins Princess! Thats HAS to be its! And then Frinkls will loves Kittys even more! MAYBES Frinkls has sets this womans ups to contacts Kittys himselfs because hims knows I’s always wants to be Princess! Ha! Trades Princess Kittys - it sounds perfects!”
"Kittys woulds loves to meets with yous soons. I’s will has my staffs arrange travels to Bootys Bays so that I’s mights finds yous. Please be safes and I’s looks forwards to ours interactions.
Ladys Kittylicious of Stormwinds, _
Duchess of Draenors"
Senneca Swiftsilver sat in her office in Booty Bay. The commotion of the harbor below her window filtered in, and she leaned back in her chair taking a long pull from her cigar. As she let the pungent smoke roll from her lips, the door popped open and her secretary entered the hazy room.
“Got a letter for ya, boss!” she said, extending a rolled parchment bearing an elegant wax seal. “Thanks, Deb!” replied Senneca as she took the scroll and opened it with interest. As she read the contents of the letter her bored expression turned into a smile.
“Cancel my appointments, Deb.” She said as she put the letter down onto her desk. She then looked down at the business suit she was wearing “I better find something to wear!”
I made this comment years ago and Kittys ignored it. Kittys should pursue Heltor’s affections. He will play hard to get but I bet persistence will pay off. Who knows you might make it into one of his movies?
Sirs! Yous NO suppose to talks like that! Kittys is has believes Heltors to FINALLYS be dies. Hims no has been sees in years. It is also Kittys beliefs that hims is scares of Kittys and learns hims lessons and no mores comes to citys.
Hey Kitty can I borrow your glasses, I just wanna try em on
I think they would accentuate your eyes. Do it, Kitty.
The love festival is right around the corner. I’m still waiting for the lovely Miss Kittys to grace our humble port of Booty Bay.