Warning: This is not meant as a serious characterization of the characters lampooned here. I may use one of my characters’ personalities when and if a hero’s reaction would work.
Smoke fills the air of Tirisfal as the omnipresent sound of steel crashing against steel rumbles, only drowned out by the crash of exploding siege ordinance.
Anduin: It’s over Sylvanas! The walls of Lordaeron will soon come crashing down around you.
Sylvanas: You have no idea what you’re up against, boy king.
Anduin: Take the shot, Captain.
???: Very well, King Wrynn.
Suddenly a blast of blinding yellow light streaks out of the sky, detonating the sturdy castle wall as if it were made of sand.
Sylvanas: What?!
Meanwhile, in orbit above Azeroth…
Fareeya: Excellent shot, Romuul.
Romuul: Thank you, Captain.
The king’s voice comes through the radio.
Anduin: Well done, Fareeya! I appreciate the… wait, what is that?! Fareeya, they’ve deployed a siege weapon the likes of which I’ve never seen before! By the light, it’s destroying everything! We need fire support now!
Fareeya looks to Romuul
Fareeya: Artificer-
Romuul: I need another 90 seconds to charge!
???: It’s fine, I’ve got it!
An explosion rings out over the radio, followed by Sylvanas’ voice banshee yelling in frustration.
Anduin: Great work, Captain! The light smiles on us this day! Soldiers, with me!
Fareeya looks to her artificer, perplexed.
Fareeya: Where did that come from?
Romuul: According to our sensors… two hundred meters off our starboard?
Fareeya: What?! Visual now!
The vindicaar turns and a carriage sized metal box with a tube facing down comes into view. Romuul opens the radio.
Romuul: Identify yourself.
???: High Tinker Gelbin Mekkatorque!
Fareeya: How long as that been there?
Mekkatorque: I don’t know, 7 years? 8? 5? I don’t know, just after the shattering. this timeline is confusing.
Fareeya: Shattering? What? What shattered?
Mekkatorque: I AM MEKKATORQUE!
Call cuts off
Fareeya: … we are going to pretend none of this happened.
Sylvanas: So it’s agreed, we let the spies think we’re sailing to Silithus but in reality, our target will be Teldrassil.
Varok: Agreed.
Nathanos: Wait. I might have a better idea…
One week later in Stormwind
Anduin: Okay, good, we’ve sent a token force to Silithus and the bulk to Ashenvale to hold back the Horde. It’s a good thing our spies uncovered Sylvanas’ feint, or we may have lost vital-
A soldier sprints into the throne room
Soldier 1: My king, Horde ships on the horizon!
Anduin: What?!
Stormwind Harbor
Soldier 2: Keep firing!
Cannons splash down near a Forsaken ship, Sylvanas at the fore
Sylvanas: Wait for it…
Soldier 2: Wait, what is that?
Out of the sky, a humongous shell hurtles at unbelievable speed towards the harbor, only to detonate above its center, sending shrapnel everywhere
Sylvanas: I should give Gallywix a bonus for this.
Dead and dying Alliance soldiers line the ramparts, the few uninjured men trying to hold off the invasion keep firing on the Forsaken, but all for naught as four Val’kyr fly out and begin to raise the dead. The deceased soldiers rise up and turn on their former comrades, now the Forsaken’s puppets. Soon the only sounds are screams of the soldiers and Sylvanas’ triumphant laughter.
Sylvanas: Burn it.
Grunt: Huh? But ho do-
Sylvanas: Burn it!
Grunt: Yes, warchief!
The Forsaken and Orcs load up the catapults with Shaman blessed stones and fire at the world tree Teldrassil.
The stones fly in a wide arc, soaring through the sky
and into the ocean
Sylvanas: … damn.
The stones fly in a wide arc, soaring through the sky
They collide with the world tree, and smolder there
Sylvanas: Huh. Why isn’t it burning?
Delaryn: You’ve never tried to burn fresh wood, have you? I guess you can’t.
Sylvanas shoots Delaryn with an arrow
Sylvanas: Smart***
Jaina: You have slain many innocents to get this far. But your little jailbreak is over. Surrender, and I will return you to the Stockades where you belong. There, you will await the king’s justice.
Jaina roots the group with a Frost Nova and starts walking towards it.
Nathano: Respectfully, we have a boat to catch.
Jaina: Then perish.
Zul : Do not be so hasty, now. You can try to subdue us, and likely succeed. But do you have time to waste?
The camera pans around, revealing most of Stormwind Harbor is… perfectly fine.
Zul: Wait, shouldn’t this place be on fire? I threw a torch.
Jaina: One torch in a city made mostly of stone? Imbeciles.
Zul: AAA-
The camera pans around, revealing most of Stormwind Harbor is aflame!
Jaina looks at the fires for a moment.
Jaina: Yes.
Zul: Wait wha-
The Horde party is bombarded with icicles
Anduin: Tell me, Greymane. How many?
Genn: We evacuated as many as we could, but…
Anduin: How many ?
Genn: We don’t know. Thousands, at least.
Anduin: By the light.
A portal suddenly opens and First Arcanist Thalyssra emerges
Genn: Intruder! Guards, defend the-
Thalyssra: Wait wait wait! I’m not here to fight!
Genn: After what your Horde has done?! You will-
Anduin: Wait! Greymane!
Thalyssra: Woah! I had nothing to do with what happened to Teldrassil!
Genn: You joined the Horde!
Thalyssra: Yes, but I didn’t know about this! Warchief Windrunner is absolutely insane!
Anduin: Answer me this, First Arcanist. Our scouts tell us you bear a grudge against the Kaldorei, and shortly after you joined the Horde, their people are attacked and massacred. Was this your influence?
Thalysra: Okay, yes, I was mad at Tyrande and joined the Horde to learn from the Sindorei and spite her, but we didn’t want them all dead! This was Sylvanas Windrunner’s idea, we haven’t even been in the Horde long enough to influence policy like that! We’re not backing the warchief after that, I’d like to get out while we still can!
Anduin: What are you saying?
Thalyssra: If it’s not too late, we would like to join your Alliance to stop Windrunner.
Anduin: Which… which windrunner?
Thalyssra: You know which one!
Anduin: Very well, First Arcanist, welcome to the Alliance.
Genn: You can’t be serious.
Anduin: If we are to bring Sylvanas Winderunner to justice, we are going to need all the help we can get.
Thalyssra: About that, there might be some people who…
Sylvanas stands atop the walls of Lordaeron, looking out on the northern plains
Across the field stands a vast army of Humans, Dwarves, Worgen, Night Elves, Gnomes, Void Elves, Trolls, Pandaren, Tauren, Highmountain Tauren, Blood Elves, Draenei, and Nightborne Elves
Sylvanas: You know, I’m going to be honest, for once I did not see this coming.
Varok: About that: I quit, you’re on your own, go [expletive deleted] yourself, Banshee.
Sylvanas: … maybe I did go a bit too far this time.
In the Alliance back line, several leaders have gathered
Tyrande: Windrunner will pay for what she has done to my people.
Thalyssra: I know this does not make things right, high priestess. I am sorry for what happened to your people.
Tyrande whisperwind scowls angrily
Tyrande: You are right, it doesn’t…
She lets out an irritated sigh
Tyrande: … but it is a start. Thank you, Thalyssra.
Lor’themar: Between our alliance and your occlumancy, High Arcanist, this may be the start of mending our broken family.
Alleria: Focus on the task at hand, Regent Lord. We can talk after we break part of my family.
Vereesa: Hello, Sister, I will lend my-
Lor’themar: Shut up, Vereesa! Get back in formation!
Vereesa: O-oh, okay… sorry.
Lor’themar: Girl can’t get it through her head that Blood Elves are High Elves.
Alleria: I swear I just can’t take her anywhere.
Anduin: We will counter attack by sailing to Tirisfal and making a landing on the north coast, before marching on the gates of Orgrimmar.
Genn: Capital City.
Anduin: That’s what I said.
Alleria: Wait. I think I might have a better idea.
Anduin: No. No, are you insane? Wait, void elf, forget I asked. Are you really suggesting we unleash-
Alleria: Yes.
Anduin: But think of the price we’d have to pay! My father warned me that that is a debt that must never be incurred!
Alleria: King Wrynn. There is a time for prudence, and a time to send a message, and I can think of no stronger message than this one.
The king shudders with dread at the terror he is about to unleash
Anduin: Very well, Alleria, I’ll do it. Light help us all.
The Undercity, twenty minutes later
Nathanos: The plague is in place?
Apothecary 1: Yes, my lord.
Nathanos: Excellent. Now when the Alliance arrives, we will be prepared. They will perish in droves.
Suddenly the entire room shakes
Nathanos: What?!
Grunt 2: It’s air raid! They’re strafing the cannons!
Grunt 3: Enemy contact! Puny Alliance troops with armored support!
Nathanos: What?! Tell the batriders and those lazy Highmountain bumpkins to intercept them! A few gryphons are of small consequence, then we can mop up the infantry with plague.
Dark Ranger 1: Uh, about that, Lord Blightcaller…
Outside
Planes fill the skies, firing missiles like hail upon the fortifications as a small figure laughs in insanity
Mekkatorque: Ahaha, Aha, AHAHAHA! Eight years. Eight years we’ve run a factory, day and night, producing one plane approximately every 36 seconds, storing them underneath a mountain. Do you know what that means? We have seven million planes at our disposal! That’s right, we have more planes than Gnomes! I calculate that your odds of shooting down all of them are approximately 1e-17!
Mekkatorque: Ground forces, push forward!
The Gnomish army marches slowly down the south, their tiny legs only going so fast, bullets and missiles screaming down on the unfortunate Horde soldiers outside the relative safety of the city walls
A humongous siege engine screams out of the gate, only to be quickly ripped to shreds by hundreds of rockets, serving merely as a momentary distraction as the machine-obsessed Gnomes strip it like piranhas on a corpse
A streak of light blasts out of the sky, blowing apart the city gates, and out of the smoke emerge masked Undead, spraying vile toxins on the tiny invaders.
However, much to their shock, only the wounded Gnomes seem to be affected. They realize too late, to their horror, seeing through the thick smoke that each and every minuscule monster is wearing a strange suit over his or her entire body
Mekkatorque: Oh no! The plague! If only I had seen this coming! … Oh, wait! I did! It’s almost like the Forsaken using the plague had a 99.9736% chance of occurring! We’ve had these environment suits since Operation Gnomeregan, and they didn’t anticipate we’d use them?! Great gears, the big races are dumb! Okay, air support, soften up the targets in the courtyard and we’re in the home stretch!
Sylvanas, from behind a slab of crumbled masonry, watches in disbelief as the great green orbs of toxins on the surface detonate under heavy Gnomish fire, spewing their contents over her surviving soldiers as a voice screams maniacally through the air
Mekkatorque: I AM MEKKATORQUE!
Sylvanas: Gnomes. I’m losing to Gnomes. Oh, the Orcs are never going to let me live this down.
Jaina: Do not blame the Alliance for my actions!
Priscilla: So you admit it. You admit that you were responsible for the deaths of our men!
Jaina: I was. But I will do anything in my power to ease the suffering of Kul Tiras!
Priscilla: Katherine… enforce our laws. The punishment for treason… is death.
Katherine: Do you accept the judgment of your homeland?
Jaina: I accept your judgment… mother.
Guard 1: Yes ma’am!
Guard 1 impales Jaina through the back of the chest
Hyolia stares, mouth agape at the suddenness of the execution. Katherine watches as Jaina’s body falls to the ground with a thud, looking down on her corpse
Katherine: You are no daughter of mine.
she turns to the Alliance emissary
Katherine: Now, as for you…
Hyolia: Uh…
the gnome starts trying to subtly cast an invisibility spell with mirror images as a distraction
Katherine: Alliance emmisary! Come, we shall discuss terms.
Priscilla: What
Hyolia: What
Katherine: Well of course, tiny thing. Jaina took responsibility for Theramore and now we have no reason to hold a grudge against the Alliance. Come, I’ll set up your accommodations and have the chefs prepare some halibut and tea.
Katherine walks back to the keep, her guards behind her, whisking the tiny mage away with them as she mutters to herself
Hyolia: No really, what the [expletive deleted].
Varok: The Warchief faces Stormrage alone! I must…
Varok hurls his axe at Malfurion
A vine shots out of the ground and snags the axe by the handle. Malfurion doesn’t turn around.
Varok: What?!
Malfurion: The grass let me know you were close 20 seconds ago and you were talking to yourself.
Varok: Grass?
Malfurion: Yes. Grass.
Varok: Am I alone in thinking that’s weirder than talking to trees?
Malfurion: Saurfang, look at me. Weird is what I am.
Sylvanas: Oh would you two shut up already?
Malfurion: You first.
Malfurion kills Sylvanas
A group of Orcs are standing in Undercity, waiting for the elevators to arrive.
Grunt 1: Boy I’ll tell you, I am glad the Warchief is smart.
Grunt 2: I know right? The Alliance doesn’t have a chance. Oh, get ready.
The elevator arrives, a small group of footmen charge through, only to get cleaved down by the mighty orcs, before the doors close again and carry the corpses up with them
Grunt 1: See how easy this is? Puny Alliance’s numbers don’t mean anything anymore!
Grunt 2: I could do this all day!
Elevator arrives, and a trio of Vindicators meet their bloody ends
Grunt 1: Yeah, the Alliance is no match for us in honorable combat!
Grunt 2: But, didn’t we already burn down their-
Grunt 1: Be quiet, get ready, here come next elevator.
Elevator door opens, revealing a large Seaforium charge
Grunts: Oh hell.
BOOM
Koshae: So what happens if all these seals break?
Amani 1: A terrible monster will be unleashed!
Koshae: Gotcha. Hey guys! Gear up, we’ve got some seals to break before the raid!
Amani 1: What?! Why would you unleash dis monstrosity?! Are you tryin’ to destroy our empire?!
Koshae: Listen dear, two months ago we were punching titans in the scrode, and before that we beat up a giant blue archdemon. Why, that guy over there repeatedly stabbed 2 old gods, four giant Sha, the Lich King and Deathwing. I don’t want to run around and come up just short of stopping it and waste our time. Let’s just free this thing and get it over with, we’ll be done by second breakfast.
Amani 1: Why would you-
Koshae: No talking! Monster killing time! I hope he drops a decent pair of pants!
Amani 1: They’re insane. The Horde is insane.
The Alliance fleet burns, Zandalari fire raining down upon the vessels
Talanji: We are home.
Suddenly a explosion splinters the ship, pieces of wreckage killing several, including Talanji, and injuring and Blightcaller
Nathanos: Damn it! What happened?!
Meanwhile, under the ocean
Pincer X2000 Crewmember 1: Direct hit confirmed!
Pincer X2000 Crewmember 2: Understood. Fire second torpedo to confirm target elimination.
Pincer X2000 Crewmember 3: And don’t make eye contact with the high tinker.
Mekkatorque: I AM MEKKATORQUE!
Anduin: Okay, the plan work with everybody? We invade Dazar’alor to make sure the Zandalari don’t join the horde.
Tyrande: No.
Genn: No.
Jaina: It could use some work.
Alleria: Are we exterminating the Zandalari? What? No I’m not going to stab the Gnome, why are you so afraid of it?
Gelbin: I am smarter than every single one of you. Combined. Including the immortals. Your plan is so dumb it caused me to lose three IQ points, now it’s down to 36,862.
Velen: Well I liked it.
Moira: We already have the enemy fleet wired with explosives, just detonate 'em and be done with it!
Anduin: Fine! You guys never let me make the plans.
Tyrande: There’s a reason for that.
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