So this was a weird one that popped into my head all of a sudden.
We know coffee exists in WoW.
We’re first introduced to it in Cataclysm, where vendors were introduced in Stormwind via Travis Nichols, a Gnome vendor in Stormwind, and it appears again and again in various iterations in Draenor as drinks and consumables for our mines in the garrisons, then Pandaria via the Grummies, and it becomes a staple drink from an inn-keeper or merchant in every expansion after this, with Legion even adding additional vendors to older zones like Shattrath and Wrath-era Dalaran, and finally we got to Battle for Azeroth and we found the motherload of coffee.
The only expansion after this where coffee is not found is the Shadowlands, and truly, no wonder the place was so damn awful.
But it does make me think. Where did coffee come from and how did it spread?
I’d argue that the Twin Empires of the Trolls were the first true cultivators of the humble coffee plant, and thus would have shared it with their equally blood-thirsty allies, the Mogu and their Emperors, before the Kaldorei went on the world’s worst bender from the Well of Eternity and shattered the Twin Empires. After this, it is highly likely that the Kaldorei took up the brewing of the bean, since as a mostly nocturnal race, the ability to stay awake and alert during the day would have been a valuable resource for their people.
With the Sundering, large tracts of land were lost and likely the only remaining cultivars of the plant remained in Zandalar, where the Zandalari Trolls likely remained in seclusion and kept the plant alive as part of their traditions. ((Fun fact, in historical terms, Turkish wives were fully supported by law for divorcing their husbands if they were not supplied with ‘acceptable’ levels of coffee.)) In the aftermath of the Sundering, given how invasive the coffee plant can be in the right conditions, it is likely that the Kaldorei gave up on the plant, leaving only Pandaria and Zandalar as the only areas where coffee plants were seriously cultivated. Likely there might have been isolated pockets in areas of constant rainfall, high elevations and moderate temperatures, but the vast fields required to produce bulk coffee were likely a thing of the past.
With the settling of Kul’tiras, it is likely that eventually the Kul’tirans and the Zandalari started to trade and/or fight over the seas between their homelands and eventually, somebody took coffee home and found a way to grow their own. Since Kul’tiras is a relatively temperate region, barring the highlands, and given that some breeds of coffea arabica have been grown to tolerate being cultivated at lower heights, and there’s precious few locations in the Eastern Kingdoms that possess the natural blend of constant rain, mild temperature, light shade and relatively high elevation, I’d argue that coffee became a vital, and profitable, export from Kul’tiras to the rest of the Eastern Kingdoms.
Now that the Horde has access to Zandalar, that means the Horde is now no longer reliant on potentially ‘black market beans’ to feed their coffee fiends their daily addiction, and it does make me wonder … what is coffee to the other races.
To the Zandalari, its just coffee, or maybe it is something cultural, like offering coffee is the sign of a good host? Humans seem to treat it as just another drink, or a cure for hangovers. Likewise Dwarves and Gnomes do as well. I would argue, however, that Gnomes being Gnomes, have probably at least a few members who are dedicated baristas who have scientifically and mechanically created the method of perfectly brewing coffee that’s not too bitter, not too strong, but will produce a long-lasting burst of energy … and its perfectly designed for Gnomish consumption. Humans and Dwarves probably drink it and think its ‘weak’, only to realise you don’t get a few hours of energy from a cup, they will get a few days because they don’t have the high metabolism of a Gnome, and they drank several cups to try and get the energy high they were expecting. Good luck not sleeping for a week and pooping with the full force of an angry volcano god.
I like the idea that Dalaran and Silvermoon both were massive consumers of the stuff, since both cities were hubs of magic users and being able to stay awake for long rituals and studying ancient tomes is a must, and the ‘Sunbucks’ meme I make on Discord being the Sin’dorei’s version of Starbucks is likely host to all manner of coffee-based abominations of a drink.
I think the Tauren might be aware of it, but the last thing a Tauren wants to be is jittery.
Darkspear probably like the stuff but are relatively new to it having spent thousands of years in Stranglethorn.
Goblins adore the stuff and probably are figuring out ways to involve Kajamite in the mix, which will likely result in a Goblin becoming the smartest, most intensely vibrating creature in existence before exploding, somehow.
Pandaren probably like sweeter brews to contrast with their stouts and ales, and the harsher, black brews are restricted to soldiers and those who have to man key locations, given coffee can increase aggression, amongst other things.
I get the giggles imagining Lor’themar sitting down to enjoy a nice mug of chai with some nutmeg and some finely ground arcane dust from an enchanter, only for the love of his life, his Suramar Lilly, to kick open the door and bellow at him that he’s been hiding COFFEE from her and end up in the fight of his life against a caffeine addict who hasn’t had a hit in 10,000 years.
Can you imagine the stampede of Kaldorei into some bougie bistro, right after the Kaldorei joined the Alliance, because somebody smelled coffee being brewed and there’s this poor, terrified worker who has barely even seen Dwarves or Gnomes before, being crowded by this jostling mob of giant, feral-looking purple and blue Elves all demanding coffee and thrusting a year’s worth of wages at her, each, just for the biggest mug of the stuff she can give them. And Tyrande keeping a stash on her at all times, just in case Malfurion starts looking sleepy again.
Wait, was Morrowgrain some sort of Anti-Coffee? I know it has magical properties that can function similar to primitive curses, but …
I keep coming back to Sunbucks and the dead-eyed Sin’dorei behind the counter who have become inured to the over-caffinated Orcs, Mag’har, Tauren and Highmountain Tauren with their spike-covered Tankards O’Terror all juddering and jittering and babbling for refills, sarcastically remarking how they’re so lucky to have a lifespan in the range of millennia given how little Sunbucks is paying them and how expensive their student loans are.
Queen Talanji sitting there, sober-faced, as her servants are counting the mountain of coins she’s getting in trade for the humble coffee beans they’re exporting by the shipload to the lunatics on the continents and wondering where her Zappi Boi is.
Drinking Mogu coffee probably feels like drinking pure sunlight and feeling like you should build an Empire or two. I don’t want to even think about the types of coffee that were available to the Kaldorei Pre-Sundering.
