A LETTER FROM THE SACRED SERVANT Turun I
TO THE PEOPLES OF THE LORD TACT’S HOLY LAND CONCERNING
Time Machines and Pie
Greetings blood-children,
I have come out of my meditation chamber in the Holy Chapel of Tact in Stormwind (that the Church of Tact definitely owns, and came to own in a legal manner) to tell you of the Good News.
The Lord Tact has given me a vision of the future, and in the future, I have built a time machine using gnomish technology. This must mean that I have already succeeded in my efforts. The Lord Tact never fails.
While the Church of Tact has engineered Gnomish World Anchor Devices (G-WADs) to cross into the Lord Tact’s Holy Realm, the ability to travel back in time has eluded us. But now, the Lord Tact has blessed us with the secret to time travel.
Vanilla. Yes, blood-children, that sweet succulent plant can be used to power a time travel machine. It is the intention of the Church of Tact to travel back in time to 15 years ago, to make sure that the Lord Tact’s message remains strong throughout all time. The Lord Tact was once a human, and 15 years ago, he was still human. We shall extend his divinity to before his divinity occurred, and the Lord Tact shall ascend above time itself.
Now, vanilla only grows in Stranglethorn Vale. Thus, the entirety of Stranglethorn Vale is now under the protection of the Church of Tact. All heretics, unbelievers, and draenei with tails are hereby ordered to depart the jungle immediately. Failure to comply will result in holy judgment being levied using the Holy Pie of Tact.
The Holy Pie was not used to slay the heretic Ravenhul, because he refused to eat “something laced with cyanide.” But fear not, there is definitely no more cyanide in the Holy Pie of Tact. The Church of Tact will open the Holy Baking Tribunal of Tact in Booty Bay, where all heretics will be rounded up and put forth before the Bakers of Tact so that they may receive holy judgment in the form of Pie.
Please specify chocolate or caramel when you face your sacred judgment.
Hail Tact!
- Grand Hierarch Turun I