Classic - New Expansion Patch Notes

WoW Classic WoW Classic General Discussion
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The idea is to write the patch notes as if Classic WoW was the next expansion after BFA. Think of this similar to the way Blizzard does the “April Fools” patch notes. For example:

"Following the theme of pruning class abilities, we have also decided to prune a few of the classes.

  • Death Knights, Monks, and Demon Hunters are no longer available classes.

  • Each retired class can be re-rolled to a level 1 of your choosing.

“After being in beta and on live servers for years, we have put classic content back into beta to make it as classic as possible.”

This should be a fun thread where your creative satire can shine!

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“Following the theme of no changes, no changes.”

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  • Fishing now requires an actual fishing pole.
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Finally, a thread that’s not hating/praising streamers or bad attempts at trolling.

Dungeons and Raids:

  • The majority of dungeons and raids in the game have been retired. People didn’t like them anyway
  • Vanilla era dungeons have had all their puzzles and dead ends added back in. This is what you wanted, right?
  • Removed the Group Finder tool, but added group finding from innkeepers!

Player vs Player:

  • We heard feedback from the player base stating that we had too much emphasis on skill in rated PvP. Today, we are rolling out a new system that rewards time played instead of gitting gud.
  • There is no longer a warning when a non flagged player attempts to attack a flagged one. We felt this change adds excitement back into the open world.
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Doing a couple of the things I had forgotten.

  • You will now be charged 30 coppers per item you mail
  • It will take 1 hour before mail will be retrievable after being sent.
  • Spells will now have ranks that you must purchase and damage is determined by spell rank, not by your level(although there is evidence this is not happening correctly in beta and you do get a slight boost from leveling which afaik was NOT the case in vanilla)
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  • New Secondary Profession: First Aid. Make bandages from cloth dropped by humanoid mobs that can be used to heal your character.
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  • All your mounts and pets have died
  • all your toys were lost in the nether
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“Hunter pets have been starved for years and have decided in the next expansion that if not fed, they will leave you.”

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  • You need to walk until level 40. It’s will be good for the health of your character.
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Professions:

  • Due to a high influx of crafting materials, we added a chance to fail at certain gathering nodes.
  • in addition, we felt that mining was producing an abnormal amount of materials. So mining nodes will now only drop one ore at a time.
  • added many crafting recipes which are actually useful to other players. Only a select few crafted armors will be BoP.
  • In order to increase the number of enchanter on the server, we have allowed level 5 characters the ability to disenchant the most powerful items in the game.
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  • A lot of Gryphon have disappeared in the nether so there will be less flying path available.
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Streaming

Due to the popularity of streaming we will now take actions against accounts that interfere with streaming of World of Warcraft classic content.

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“With 9 years having passed since the destruction of the world, that has left plenty of time for it to be rebuilt back to its original state. (Darnassus was a quick fix)”

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  • Due to multiple complaints from Hunter Trainers in Kharanos (they have a strong lobby), trainers are again able to earn beer money by training characters their class abilities.
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“Introducing new (old) 40 man raids! Get together with 39 of your closest friends to battle for non-personal loot!”

  • Third time is the charm with Naxxramas. Tier 3 look now available outside of the Black Market Auction House.

  • Onyxia and Nefarian signed up to be raid bosses yet again.

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-handholding has been disabled in starting zones. Good luck out there kids!
-All heirloom items have been removed from the game
-Mana will now be a finite resource again.

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  • Game now requires a brain to play
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  • In an unheard of display of goblin/gnomish cooperation, a team of goblin assassins has successfully rid Thousands Needles of the presence of the Twilight’s Hammer cult while a team of gnomish divers has succeeded in locating and pulling the zone’s drain plug, returning the zone to it’s old-timey “holy hell, how do I even get up there?!” feel.

  • The Great Divide separating Northern Barrens from Southern Barrens has been filled by someone who figured out that you could just throw a little dirt on it, restoring the Barrens to one zone that’s just way too large for people on foot but too bad, so sad.

  • In another remarkable engineering feat, dwarves of the Bronzebeard clan have completed repairs to the Stonewrought Dam, allowing Loch Modan to once again fill up with that sweet, sweet mountain runoff.

  • Its like a whole new Darkshore, you guys. I’m super cereal.

  • Pandaria? Like…what even is that? No, don’t give us that “Ooo but Chen was in WC3!” nonsense. It was an April Fool’s thing, you nerds. Anyway, the spooky mists came back because reasons so now you guys can leave those poor creatures the hell alone okay?

  • Princess Theradras has reclaimed her rightful place as the only monstrously horrendous, inexplicably scantily-clad female character in-game.

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You had me until you dissed Pandaria. I must be in the minority that loved that expansion!

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I lerved Pandaria, friend. The diss was more of a reflection of the various disses I remember reading after the reveal, all of which were nonsense.

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