Hey, Blizzard, hope you’re sitting down with a big cup of coffee in your hand because we’re about to dive deep into this intriguing mystery. Why does it take longer to get a game of BG Blitz than it took the Alliance to find Arthas’ heart?
Like, seriously, what are we even doing here? It’s 10 PM EST on a Saturday night — PRIME TIME. You know, that magical hour when every gamer this side of Azeroth is supposed to be queue sync maxxing watching all the streams with a fresh case of mtn dew and massive bag of cheetos… And yet, I’m sitting in a one-hour queue at 3k MMR, wondering if I’m playing a game or applying for a mortgage.
What happened? Did everyone just wake up one day and decide “You know what, PvE isn’t so bad after all?” Are we in a Shadowlands 2.0 time loop, where the real grind is waiting to play the game you already paid for?
The Duo Queue Disaster
Let’s talk about the real elephant in the room, though: duo queueing. You’d think Blizzard would have learned from their last 37 attempts at “balancing” PvP, but here we are again, letting duos steamroll solo queues like they’re Gallywix on a fresh batch of Stonetalon contracts.
Now, I get it. Duo queueing is fun — it’s like when you finally get that one friend who hasn’t quit the game yet to carry your limp body through another round of Seething Shore. But when I see teams forming duos at 3k MMR and getting 3-minute queues while the rest of us are left in shambles, staring at the queue screen like it’s a loading bar stuck at 99%, it makes me wonder: Is this BG BLITZ or a social experiment on patience?
The Quality Question
The kicker here is that even after these glorious one-hour waits, the match quality is like ordering a Wagyu steak and getting a microwaved Hot Pocket instead. How is it possible that the system took 60 minutes to put together a team that gets 4-capped in the first minute? Like, was this a low-key April Fools’ joke that got left in the patch notes?
Where are the “balanced matches” we were promised? The patch notes had me believing I’d be stepping into arenas filled with battle-hardened gladiators ready to go full Thrall vs. Garrosh. Instead, it feels more like “The Footmen’s Apprentice” starring your local LFR heroes.
A Thicc Conspiracy
At this point, I’m convinced there’s a hidden cabal at Blizzard HQ deciding who gets to actually play and who gets to sit on the sidelines, watching some of these streamers they get into 3-4 games before i get one queue pop… granted they all have duos… streamer benefits am I right guys? Maybe the “Hidden Hand” of WoW’s matchmaking isn’t a myth after all. 
Queue the X-Files Music.
The queue is long because they’re handpicking players to keep us in check. If you know, you know.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if next we find out the whole thing is rigged to keep us logged in longer to artificially inflate those MAUs (Monthly Active Users) for the quarterly earnings report. Honestly, if I wanted to sit in a line for an hour just to get disappointed at the end, I’d go to the DMV.
TL;DR (But Also, Don’t TL;DR This)
Long queues, next to zero quality improvement, and duos skipping the line at Dennys getting their food and desert before we get our appetizer as a solo. The system is broken, the tables have turned, its all rigged folks, theres a big club and we’re not in it… and instead of addressing it, it feels like Blizzard is trying to see how long it takes before we break down and go back to mining and herbing and stop queueing bg blitz altogether.
EDIT: 75 minutes after posting, I’m still in queue. I’ve watched an entire Netflix series and read the entire social contract Blizzard made us sign. It feels like I’m trapped in a World of Queuecraft expansion. The irony is palpable.
Blizz, it’s time to fix this mess. Please reduce these absurd wait times, or lower the bar a bit so we can at least get in a game before next maintenance reset.
P.S. If I see another duo queue healer + melee pair steamroll my team while we have two moonkins and a resto shaman, I’m rage-logging and going to play Minesweeper. At least that queue is instant.