Okay okay, so as you all know, I am the most highly intellect player on the forums without question, and after sharing undeniably perfect balance changes for Roadhog, Genji, and Lúcio, I was requested to make a thread that displayed proper balance for all current heroes. And I felt it was my noble duty to do s as the best Overwatch player to exist, so here we go!
These will be in alphabetical order, so left to right in the Hero Gallery, essentially.
Ana
Biotic Rifle: Scope removed, primary speed halved if the enemy team has at least four gold guns equipped at once.
Nano Boost: No longer has a cast time, now causes the target to spin uncontrollably, turning them into a terrifying tornado that damages the map.
Sleep Dart: Penetrates barriers, can sleep barriers, no longer sleeps enemy players.
Biotic Grenade: now has purple accents instead of yellow.
Developer’s Comments: “These changes aim to make Ana less threatening from ranges by herself, while simultaneously making barriers less of an annoyance to landing sleep darts.”
Ashe
The Viper: Ammo capacity reduced to 3, now reloads like Doomfist’s Hand Cannon, can only fire while scoped.
B.O.B.: Bob now can be manually controlled by the Ashe player, similarly to how Junkrat’s RIP-Tire is controlled.
Coach Gun: Now damages self and pulls self and target closer to each other, damage quadrupled.
Dynamite: Removed, replaced with Giant Boot of Doom.
Giant Boot of Doom: New ability, replacing Dynamite.
Baptiste
Biotic Launcher: Removed.
Amplification Matrix: Removed.
Regenerative Burst: Now damages all allies within radius for 100 damage over 4 seconds, no longer heals, is on a 2 second cooldown.
Immortality Field: Removed, replaced with Paper Airplane.
Paper Airplane: Allows Baptiste to fold up a giant airplane like from that one episode of Phineas and Ferb, giving him infinite free flight access to the sky.
Exo Boots: Now has inverted gravity properties, allowing the user to jump and stick to ceilings.
Bastion
General: No longer mechanical, all organic. A combination of flesh and plant material.
Configuration: Sentry: Locations of gun and legs swapped.
Configuration: Recon: Now fires crazy boomerang bullets that can smash car windows, allowing Bastion to hijack cars.
Configuration: Tank: Allows Bastion to drive on the sides of walls, can deal 400 DPS if walking on an enemy.
Self-Repair: Now repairs using it’s middle finger instead, so it can flip you off while healing your pathetic attempt at killing it. Actually no, removed.
Reconfigure: Now has no cast time and a 50 second cooldown, cannot be cancelled early, penalty for not cancelling early causes a doubled cooldown duration.
Ironclad: Causes Bastion to giggle uncontrollably after witnessing a teammate be eliminated.
Brigitte
General: Dead. I ended her reign of terror with my own two hands.
Cassidy
General: Renamed to Omni, now referred to as “they, it”.
Peacekeeper: Rate of fire tripled, ammo capacity multiplied by ten, now fires confetti and rice balls instead of bullets, secondary fire removed.
Deadeye: Omni will now say “Oh my god I hate Symmetra” instead of “It’s high noon”, and instead of a tumbleweed, a miniature Wrecking Ball spawns in that Omni has complete control over.
Combat Roll: Now allows Omni to slowly levitate upward, makes Omni susceptible to falling damage.
Flashbang: Now stuns the user twice as long as the target but has an extra .2 damage to the enemy.
Doomfist
Hand Cannon: Removed.
Meteor Strike: Is now his primary means of damage, damage increased to 450 minimum.
Seismic Slam: Completely reworked, now allows Doomfist to use a toothpick to clean his teeth, he will then be able to flick the pick at enemies. This has no effect whatsoever.
Rising Uppercut: There is now a 48.2% chance to punch yourself in the stomach on accident, giving you a hard CC and damaging yourself instead.
Rocket Punch: Replaced with Rocket Kick, has no different functionality.
The Best Defense…: Removed, Doomfist was grounded from his passive by his mother until next weekend.
D.Va
Fusion Cammons: Now renamed Fusion Cammon, only has one. Rate of fire doubled.
Light Gun: Removed. D.Va now wields Baptiste’s Biotic rifle when demeched.
Self-Destruct: Now has an implosion first that sucks allies into it, before releasing briefly before the final explosion. This pull will make allies suddenly crave waffles.
Call Mech: Removed. Mechs are expensive and I sure as heck am not buying more of these!!
Boosters: Now have a minimal chance to point backwards before activation, causing D.Va to fly opposite of where she actually wanted to go.
Defense Matrix: Can now consume Doomfist while using Rocket Kick.
Micro Missiles: Now called Micro Missiles With Funny Dancing Monkey Magnets On It.
Eject!: Removed.
Echo
Tri-Shot: now Bi-Shot and only fires two projectiles but there is a slim chance one of the projectiles will have crumbs on them because Echo is a messy eater.
Sticky Bombs: No longer stick. They are smooth.
Flight: Removed, due to “the accident we shall not speak of”.
Focusing Beam: Now makes comical sound effects when it makes funny bends instead of pointing straight.
Glide: No longer possible without Flight.
Genji
Shuriken: Weapons now replaced with fidget spinners, now has a chance to momentarily distract Genji and prevent him from shooting or doing anything really.
DragonBlade: If you know, you know.
Deflect: Can friendly fire and can deflect Torbjörn and Symmetra turrets to make them on his team.
Swift Strike: Now resets on ally death instead of enemy kill or assist.
Cyber-Agility: Genji now applies toilet plunger heads to his hands and feet, allowing him to stick to walls as long as he wants, albeit his newfound stinky smell may alert his location to his enemies.
Hanzo
Storm Bow: Now has no charge time but now fires french fries from McDonald’s that have a chance of being not salty enough, therefore, not satisfying.
DragonStrike: Now fires ten dragons but they instead run up to enemies and wrap around them, giving them big dragon hugs. This does not damage enemies or hinder their movement.
Storm Arrows: Arrows are now explosive and will deal 1000000 damage if they explode on you. However, direct hits instantly drain the ult charge of your entire team.
Sonic Arrow: Gone. I snapped them all in half to use as firewood. Hey it’s not my fault, I was cold.
Lunge: Now causes Hanzo to trip over his shoelaces and force him into a twenty minutes animation of tying his shoes as his mommy taught him to. This triggers randomly.
Wall Climb: Removed.
Junkrat
Frag Launcher: Grenades now stick to walls indefinitely until they are near an enemy.
RIP-Tire: Now tosses Junkrat onto the floor and causes him to run around in place of the tire, detonating causes his passive to activate, killing him in the process. The tire is then the hero for the rest of the match.
Concussion Mine: Can now critical hit.
Steel Trap: If dropped onto an enemy’s head, it crushes their brain, painfully instantly killing them. Enemies will also screech in pain and jump up ten meters when trapped.
Total Mayhem: Now causes Junkrat to hurt himself for triple damage.
Lucio
Sonic Amplifier: Now spawns kittens when fired.
Sound Barrier: Can now be used over the corpse of a recently killed enemy to deplete their ult charge at the rate the casted barrier health decays.
Crossfade: Now has no healing song, instead a demoralizing song that slows enemies.
Amp It Up: Now raises the volume of enemy players games by 500%.
Soundwave: Now pulls enemies in briefly before pushing them back at double the strength.
Wall Ride: If you know, you know.
Mei
General: Is now 50% cuter. Somehow. (Seriously though Mei is baby why is she so cute lol)
Endothermic Blaster: Removed. She now has a sniper rifle.
Blizzard: Renamed to EA.
Cryo-Freeze: Now burns enemies within line of sight for 75 dps.
Ice Wall: Can now be affected by gravity, and can fall on players to instantly kill them.
Mercy
General: Now refers to herself as The Green Goblin in third person.
Caduceus Staff: Healing beam now latches onto enemies and drains them for health. Damage boost now connects to teammates by their left middle toes.
Caduceus Blaster: Is now hitscan, now fires eggs instead of bullets. Now has splash damage the size of Pharah rockets.
Valkyrie: Removed. Now has a giant soon for an ultimate, which she uses to scoop up her teammates and throw them at the enemy in one giant ball of damage.
Guardian Angel: Now allows Mercy to fly into teammates and then apply super glue to herself if she wants, so she can stick to that ally wherever they go. She can detatch whenever she wants.
Resurrect: Removed. I destroyed the button.
Angelic Descent: Now has weights tied to her wings, causing her to fall 150% faster.
Regeneration: Now causes Mercy to take damage over time unless she deals damage using a comically large baseball bat.
Moira
Biotic Grasp: Healing grasp now sprays a orange liquid instead of yellow mist, it lingers on the ground and can cause enemies to slip and bonk their heads. The damage grasp remains largely unchanged.
Coalescence: Moira now puts on an anime t-shirt that reads “Yeah, I watch anime, so what?” before using the ult. This shirt lasts until the ultimate ends.
Biotic Orb: Now only has one orb type, it causes heroes effected by it to hop up and down excitedly like a child going to the zoo. There is no way to stop this once it has started.
Fade: Moira will now announce that she is “The Red Mistress” upon exiting Fade.
Orisa
Fusion Driver: Removed. Instead she has a railgun because she too is a black woman.
Supercharger: Now can be deployed on top of enemy turrets to cause then to bounce to the best of Orisa’s drum, distracting them from firing. The turrets will turn into delicious toast afterwards.
Protective Barrier: Now is two separate projectiles that when both land, will make a barrier version of Orisa that mimics her movements. So theoretically you could make a barrier pick it’s nose, but that’s just silly isn’t it?
Fortify: Orisa now ascends from Gold rank and climbs to Plat. Ego size is multiplied ten fold.
Halt!: Is now a cube instead of an orb, Orisa has a Minecraft addiction.
Pharah
Uh I got tired I’m not doing these patch notes uhhh idk man… give her like a chainsaw and she can’t fly anymore? Yeah, yeah. Let’s go with that one sure.
Reaper
Hellfire Shotguns: Pellet size divided by zero.
Death Blossom: Reaper now loudly screams and begs to be stunned and headshot during the duration. Failure to do so will result in him immediately dying afterwards.
Shadow Step: Now allows Reaper to step on shadows.
Wraith Form: Causes Reaper to involuntary levitate upward at an alarming rate. Uh… anyone gonna help him get down??
The Reaping: Now allows Reaper to jam to the mail song from Blue’s Clues.
Reinhardt
Rocket Hammer: Can now be ridden like a witch broom, allowing Reinhardt to take to the skies.
Earthshatter: Reinhardt no longer performs his Ultimate because he feels bad damaging the earth like that. #gogreen.
Charge: Reinhardt now has the option to give handshakes to his charge victims. There is no option for the charge victims.
Fire Strike: Reinhardt will now loudly scream whenever it is off cooldown, so the enemy knows it’s coming. Additionally, he can also do a cute little twirl before firing.
Barrier Field: Now projects a barrier made of a thin slimy membrane that makes gross wet sounds.
Steadfast: In addition to it’s current powers, it should make him fifty percent less likely to be called into jury duty.
Roadhog
Scrap Gun: Roadhog now tells somewhat good dad jokes while firing.
Whole Hog: Roadhog can now propel himself into the air before activating, giving him the distinct air advantage over anything at all. He has ascended and I don’t know what to do. He’s not coming back down.
Chain Hook: If you know, you know.
Take a Breather: Is now mandatory to use off of cooldown, otherwise his own weight will crush him and instantly kill him.
Sigma
Hyperspheres: Now has three projectiles that scream when bounced.
Gravitic Flux: While this ultimate is active, Sigma will begin growing hair at a rapid rate. It decays when the ultimate ends, however.
Kinetic Grasp: Sigma will go “lalalalala I can’t hear youuuu” while this ability is active, revealing to the players that he is somewhat childish in nature despite his age.
Accretion: Removed. Instead he gets a special second slot for his heroic emote. This setting cannot be altered.
Soldier: 76
Heavy Pulse Rifle: Now has already again because that idiot soldier dropped his gun and now some screws are loose.
Tactical Visor: Soldier is now banned from Overwatch for hacking.
Sombra
General: Is also banned for hacking.
Symmetra
Photon Projector: Now fires small lizard toes.
Photon Barrier: Is now as equally thick as it is long. Only has 1 health.
Sentry Turret: Is now entirely made of human hair.
Teleporter: Made of 100% combustible lemons.
Torbjörn
General: Removed for being too attractive.
Tracer
Pulse Pistols: Now have zero spread.
Pulse Bomb: Cannot stick anything but cups scattered around the maps. Only one cup doesn’t work. Find it.
Blink: Now can teleport Tracer to the backrooms. There is no escape.
Recall: Tracer can rewind time for everything around her, she can even reset the universe if she chooses. Don’t cross her.
Widowmaker
General Moved to Tank role.
Widow’s Kiss: Scope removed, automatic weapon spread widened by 75%, damage increased by 2%.
Infra-Sight: Now allows Widowmaker to locate the nearest Taco Bell with approximately 29 chickens in it.
Grappling Hook: Widowmaker can now cosplay as Spider-Man and grapple indefinitely. Falling will cause her to break her legs though.
Venom Mine: Now deploys several, similar to a mine field. They deal much higher explosive damage but to not damage over time.
Winston
Tesla Cannon: Winston now is forced to spam crouch while firing. This is to increase his evasiveness while attacking and is definitely not for toxicity purposes.
Primal Rage: New start up animation, Wisnton’s newspaper drops to the floor, destroyed. He looks down and a large question mark appears over his head. He then growls, angered, and aggressively shuffles toward the enemy.
Jump Pack: Can now be unequipped and used as a projectile attack, however he will need to retrieve it to use it later. Enemies can pick it up and play monkey in the middle with him, but that’s just cruel.
Barrier Projector: Is now changing colors like a psychedelic rainbow at unhealthy fast speeds. Has ermmm at least 1500 health.
Wrecking Ball
General: Moved to Damage role.
Quad Cannons: Spread tightened 100%.
Minefield. Now only deploys a singular mine that has no explosive damage, but deals 75 damage over a period of time.
Grappling Claw: Now pulls Hammond directly to wherever the ability is used and then is automatically released.
Roll: No changes. Pristine game design.
Piledriver: Can now be used to destroy rooftops, preventing Doomfist techs such as roof sliding.
Adaptive Shields: This ability cannot be used while the player is eating. Maybe that’ll teach you to stop getting your controllers and keyboards all greasy smh.
Zarya
Particle Cannon: Primary is now identical to Moira’s damaging Biotic Grasp. Secondary fires Junkrat Concussion Mines that cannot be detonated.
Graviton Surge: Now with 100% less pull and 100% more push.
Particle Barrier: Is now pyramid shaped and rotates slowly while making an ominous buzzing sound.
Projected Barrier: If this ability is casted onto you, your system will crash immediately. It is only able to be placed on Hanzo.
Energy: Zarya now gains energy from drinking Monster and Gatorade, which she does not have. So unfortunately her energy stays at 0.
Zenyatta
Orb Of Destruction: Primary fire is now hitscan, secondary fire texture replaced with tiny Wrecking Balls.
Transcendence: Is now a 205 DPS damage aura surrounding Zenyatta, that rapidly kills enemies and teammates alike.
Orb Of Discord: Is now banana split scented.
Orb Of Harmony: Gently tickles the nose of the person it’s placed on. Also tells good jokes about carpenters.
)