Update: I’m playing again. The majority of the people in the comments hyped me back up and here we go again. I changed my name, I’m maining tank now. I picked Sigma, he is a gem. People are taking me more seriously now that I don’t have a basic girl name gamertag and I stopped playing support characters. There is still the occasional person commenting about “E-girls”, but I don’t tolerate it and I’ve had enough. I hit plat with Sigma 2600, I’ve only been playing him for around 7 hours, but I want him to be my reason to keep playing. If I have to crawl back to diamond on Sigma I’ll do it. I’m not playing this game to fuel my pride anymore, I’m doing it because Sigma deserves it. Thank you to everyone who told me to grow thicker skin and thank you to everyone recognizing that there is indeed a community wide toxicity problem without turning a blind eye. You’re both right, there is no black and white.
tldr. I quit playing Overwatch because I put myself in a vicious cycle of playing my heart out to prove a point to people that didn’t matter.
Firstly I should state my name isn’t actually Karen and that I stopped playing Overwatch several months ago. This is why.
I enjoyed this game very much when I started playing under the username “Nakurex”. It was new and exciting and really got my heart pumping, especially competitive. I never had a problem, everyone was so kind and I mostly kept to myself. I wasn’t set on aiming high in competitive so I didn’t use a mic and not too many people complained.
And then the bad*ss known as Geguri was introduced to Overwatch League. SHE. WAS. AWESOME. The first ever Overwatch League female, it was truly motivating. It’s pathetic-I know, I showed so much admiration for the first female to join a competitive team. That was because in my head at the time I thought “if she can do it then it wouldn’t be so otherworldly for me to try.” I was inspired.
So I changed my username to “Janessa” for self representation. It wasn’t uncommon for people to use their first name as their username.
I started playing competitive with a mic, which was a big deal for me because I already knew what to expect. I was ready anyway. If anyone said anything to me about my voice, I was prepared to throw shade back. I know how this works, I’ve been online for years. For the most part I was polite and respective, optimistic at most.
Then I started noticing something- I was receiving more negative comments when I admitted to a bad play. I wasn’t a bad player, I can say that with confidence. The whole reason I was so determined to start competitive was because I knew I was decent. Then it got worse.
Him: “Both of our healers are girls.”
Myself and the other healer: “So? What does it matter?”
Him: Laughing
After we won the game.
Him: “40 eliminations? No wonder I wasn’t getting healed.”
I had more healing then our other healer up until the very last moment of the game so I finished with silver healing to our Mercy. It was around 15,000 healing which was a good for the amount of time played in that competitive match. This was also before Mercy’s healing nerf so it was understandably accurate. I explained this to him with the most unbiased attitude I could vocalize.
Him: “Alright.”
Kicks me from the group.
So basically I got kicked from a group for explaining how Moira works. The reason for my disdain for that particular incident was because it was one of my best plays to this day. I earned the highlight to that game showcasing my ultimate for HEALING.
Lesson learned: sometimes people are prideful jerks. Moving on.
I have an overall balanced play time across all characters. My most played is Mercy, but lets be real she could revive the entire team at one point so of course I played her a lot in competitive. No this does not qualify me as a “Mercy main.” That doesn’t stop people from calling me that, CONSTANTLY. I thought if I balanced all of my characters it would negate the comments, it didn’t. I didn’t even want to play support at that point so I started playing tank. I love Reinhardt with all my heart.
Then I found out that people are allowed to throw shade at me for being a girl, but I’m not allowed to throw shade back at them for that exact reason.
I was playing Soldier 76 and doing well. 17-0 then I was killed by the opposing Genji. He stood on my corpse and wrote “Mercy main lol”. It was your average shade tossing, another normal day. Then my team turned it around and I got revenge. I stood on Genji’s corpse and wrote “Beat by a girl lol”.
It was the cringe. Cringe was good, but it was a mistake on my part obviously I shouldn’t have said it. At the time I thought if you’re going to say something stupid to me I’m going to say something stupid to you.
Then a few days later I came across a video. It was a video made by the same Genji player complaining about girls in games saying “you got beat by a girl.” The Genji deliberately left out the part where they called me a Mercy main and lied about the amount of times it was said which was ONCE so I commented on the video explaining the situation and why I shouldn’t have said it. The Genji player was also female and the reason I bring that up is because they must’ve understood my frustration because the video was taken down days later.
Here’s a few other examples of things that have happened during my time playing Overwatch:
I joined a competitive group and the leader called me a “th*t” then kicked me.
During a game I calmly asked for help on mic. “I need help.” Then someone responded with “******* e-girl.”
The beginning of another game someone immediately wrote “I’d **** a Janessa.” I responded with “please stop” and they kept going anyway. I muted him and then his friend kept spamming me with invites to their group. That was the first time I experienced the “action has been taken” message after reporting them.
There was a time where I tried to embrace the comments and the outcome worsened. Someone made the remark “I like Janessa because at least she knows her place.”
Playing Mercy was the worst experience of my life. Any time our team was doing poorly it was only natural to point fingers at your healer. “Aren’t you a Mercy main? You should know how to heal.”
I am just another girl complaining about sexism when the reality is everyone receives the same amount of shade equally. It comes in different forms depending on the person at the receiving end-I know. I know all of that.
But I hate myself.
I hate being a girl wanting more then anything to go pro. I hate knowing that if my dream came true I’d only be recognized for being female in the pro scene. I’m sorry Geguri. I loved you because I felt like if there was already a girl in Overwatch League then I could do it too and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I disregarded all of your hard work just as others have done to me.
The hate fueled me. I hated myself so much every time someone said something to me that it drove me to work harder and try better, to learn, to be good. It worked, but destroyed me. And for what? To climb to diamond once as a Moira player.
Please see me for what I am not who I am.
Trash.
