On July 27, 1929, the major powers of the world held the Geneva Conventions to establish humanitarian rules of war to prevent crimes against humanity. On February 25, 2019, Blizzard defied all of these protocols by releasing Baptiste on the PTR, then launched him onto live severs just a few weeks later. On May 8, 2019, I proposed to Blizzard my idea for an Overwatch anime called BOB Psycho 100 and they haven’t responded since. While Baptiste may not have influenced Blizzard’s decision to postpone my acceptance letter for BOB Psycho 100, he has committed multiple crimes against humanity and must be brought to justice for it.
Reason 1. Mauga
Mauga may be one of the best characters to date, but then again his only real competition is Don Quixote, an edgy teen, David Bowie, Harambe, Zenyatta from Accounting, and a guy that doesn’t even talk. While the short story What You Left Behind is quite indicative of who should be the lead writer (especially when you compare it to Bastet), the fact that Maui was teased to be a shield tank and not get released is just cruel. Instead of The Rock, we got a stern opponent of Nike, Adidas, Vans, etc. who can’t sing. I bet Mauga could sing if Moana is anything to go off of… actually nevermind he just kinda talks with fun music playing. I can’t believe Blizzard would just tease a character like that and delay or never plan a release for them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must feather dust my framed photos of Max, Sojourn, Echo, Lynx-17, Junker Queen, Athena, Soundquake, Mama Hong, Liao (seriously they were in the original six and we don’t even know their dang gender), and Jeff Kaplan.
Reason 2. Immortality Field
At first you may think not dying is better than dying, unless you’re a millennial or Gen Z. However, Baptiste’s immortality field forces you to endure getting shot, flashed, bashed, punched, burned, frozen, exploded, charged, hooked, anti-healed, slept, shattered, DEEP BREATH slammed, nuked, trapped, pulled, uppercutted, sniped, bombed, barraged, and nerfed all in the span of eight seconds cause nobody shoots the lamp. Who the heck am I, Reinhardt? This ability forces you to experience the tank role, which is far worse than anything the Swiss could have predicted. Don’t even get me started on how this ability forces communication. Okay fine I’ll get started: unless you actively talk with your team, every single engagement will play out as one of two scenarios. Scenario A: “I thought you guys were shooting the lamp.” Scenario B: “I thought I was the one who was supposed to shoot the lamp.” There is no middle ground, which leads to extremism, which leads to war crimes, which leads to the Geneva Conventions, which leads to Blizzard ignoring them, which leads to me making a thread about Baptiste needing nerfs, which leads to me making an unfunny wall of text that keeps repeating itself, which leads to people not reading the post and replying with “Baptiste is fine git gud lmao.”
Reason 3. Power Levels
Baptiste’s default skin may seem bland to some people because it’s just blue with an orange scarf, but it reveals one very important thing about him: he’s a Saiyan. Why else would anyone use that ridiculous eyepiece other than to scan power levels? In terms of strength, Baptiste has shown his ability to pull off dreadlocks without looking like a Soundcloud rapper. Due to the laws of anime, your strength is determined by your hair (except for anything by ONE). This means that Baptiste could beat Krillin… then again everyone beats Krillin. Bulma could defeat Krillin, Vegeta could defeat Krillin, I bet The Lock could beat Krillin. As for anime main characters, Baptiste doesn’t stand a chance against Goku, Naruto, Jotaro, All Might (like hell Deku is the main character), Asta, Luffy, etc. all have even dumber hair than Baptiste, so they win. The fact that Blizzard would add such a weak Saiyan is inhumane, and therefore a violation of the Geneva Conventions.
As far I’m concerned, there is nothing to thank Baptiste for! I am not welcome! This man’s existence is a testament to how the Overweight community must rally together to ruin a hero because he killed me once! I will not rest until this criminal is brought to justice, or until my mom tells me it is my bedtime! Which ever one comes first! No I am not using too many exclamation points!
Tl;Dr Well what can I say except “No Mauga.”
