Ana
Shove your biotic rifle up your tank’s rear, throw jarate at the ground whenever you take a point of damage, and sleep that D.Va who used all of her DM on random Widowmaker shots. Don’t forget to nanoboost Genji but accidentally hit Lúcio instead.
Ashe
Spam hip fire and whine about how she doesn’t have enough ammo. Use your coach gun whenever a flanker so much as looks at you. Throw dynamite at the enemy main tank since you saw it in her trailer. Most importantly, yell at BOB to do something and by something you mean get Ashe’s Warlock skin.
Baptiste
Yell at your teammates to group up and just spam heal them. Throw immortality field down when you hear angry shouting that isn’t your teammates. Finally, use Amp Matrix whenever since we both know everyone dies the moment it’s used.
Bastion
Sing pirate shanties and get into the hobby of birdwatching. Also rewatch the Iron Giant for the twentieth time.
Brigitte
Hold down primary fire, whip that Roadhog who’s just standing there menacingly, and pop ult when you hear your other support pop ult just because you can. As for her shield, put it up and down while jumping around to make it look like you know what you’re doing.
D.Va
Invest heavily into Doritos and Mountain Dew shipments, use DM when you are getting hit by a beam character, and fly into the air when you ult since most people don’t understand basic trajectory.
Doomfist
Watch a ChipSa stream or two then just execute the same combos while avoiding other Doomfists. Take it a step further by watching One Punch Man season one, but not season two because I prefer anime that doesn’t have only two good characters, with one of them being thrown in the trash can after one fight (you know exactly who I’m talking about).
Genji
Dash in, spam alt fire, dash out, deflect the haters, solo ult the Moira, die, uninstall, watch Naruto, and avoid Boruto.
Hanzo
Spam your arrows down the chokepoint to get a lucky headshot, maybe even throw sonar arrows in if you’re feeling spicy. Use storm arrow when somebody so much as approaches you since they can’t beat the crap out of you without getting closer. Finally, get on your knees and beg for someone to pick Zarya because you know that is the only way your getting Dragonstrike kills.
Junkrat
Have 2 minute noodles, eat them raw, drink the boiling water and snort the salt packet. Much better. Don’t forget to add Vegemite.
Lúcio
Replay the Jet Set Radio series, watch DSPStankey or Eskay videos, and remember that this team is gonna do great.
McCree
Flash and fan literally everything. This includes shields, turrets, the Oasis servers, the Junkertown bike, and forum posts that call McCree OP. Use Deadeye to shoot down the bird couple or reload your gun so you can fan the hammer even more. Don’t forget to host multiple DnD sessions and cosplay as Jotaro.
Mei
Freeze the tanks until they uninstall, spam icicles at the snipers who can’t hit their shots, watch Frozen, build a wall but make Sombra pay for it, and [REDACTED].
Mercy
Pocket your bird girlfriend, Rez the guy that just got sniped, fly around the battlefield like a moth, and play Flight of the Valkyries in team chat. Oh, and don’t forget to do a surprising amount of damage with your purse pistol.
Moira
Learn advanced biology, trigonometry, and cosmetology. Maximize your healing and damage to make up for your lack of utility while also dodging tilted snipers, flankers, dive tanks, and battle Mercy players. Resist the temptation to use Fade at the wrong moments in order to remain elusive against your opponents. Learn how the orb bounces off of surfaces so you can master rollouts, pick off low health targets, and not lose your orb to the sky. Manage your healing resource meter for when your team needs it, but don’t focus solely on damage. Use Coalescence at an angle to make sure your team is healed while pressuring enemy squishes. Most importantly of all: learn how to tell people that it is not a lock-on beam and how orbs are not RNG.
Orisa
Plop your barrier down. Destroyed? Do it again. Fortify whenever a DPS looks at you, attempt to halt people off the map but they barely stay on, watch Big Hero 6, and use Supercharger when you’re already winning. Don’t forget to puppy emote so nobody can shoot you.
Pharah
Play a few hours of Quake and ask for an angel girlfriend to pocket you.
Reaper
Listen to the edgiest music possible: Metallica, Disturbed, Linkin Park, the My Little Pony soundtrack, and Spooky Scary Skeletons. Shoot only the tanks because we both know you’re not hitting anything else.
Reinhardt
Hold up your shield for 0.5 seconds THEN CHARGE THOSE BASTARDS TO THE GATES OF HELL! HONOR! JUSTICE! REINHARDT REINHARDT REINHARDT!!! HAHA!!!
Roadhog
Throw your hook in a crowd of people and accidentally get the Zenyatta. Heal to survive anything and Whole Hog to bully main tanks for existing.
Sigma
Listen to Satie for a while then spam your abilities in random directions until they nerf him again. Bonus points if you don’t wear shoes while playing him.
Soldier: 76
Play some Call of Duty, host a barbecue that ends up catching your house on fire, and look after about 30 children on a shoestring budget. However, you can avoid all that by writing a boring short that’s contribution to the plot includes LGBT pandering and making Mercy a relevant character.
Sombra
Play Watch Dogs 2, but not the first one. Hack the tanks, Doomfist, and Zenyatta until they report you for “cheating”. While you wait out your suspension, go on the forums and plead for Sombra to be viable for more than five minutes.
Symmetra
Play Portal, set up a taxi teleporter at spawn, feed off the random Sigma barrier for charge, spam your balls down a chokepoint, and question the validity of the balance team for nerfing Symmetra multiple times despite other heroes having significantly more impact on the game.
Torbjörn
Quit Overwatch and go back to playing a game where the turret builder is viable. cough TF2 cough.
Tracer
Run around the map shooting at the easiest target you can find, which is probably Zenyatta. Use recall to reward poor positioning and teleport you in front of Deadeye or something. Throw pulse bomb at a tank, watch them live due to their high health pool, and complain that tanks have survivability. Bonus points if you get anti-LGBT messages after the match.
Widowmaker
Purchase an aimbot, grapple to safety whenever somebody is countering you, and ask for a damage boost despite damage boost headshots not doing anything against squishies.
Winston
Purchase two truckloads of bananas, tacos, peanut butter, and empanadas. Use the Shadow Puppets emote to incite fear into not only the enemy, but your team and your ancestors for ever letting you exist in the first place.
Wrecking Ball
Imagine both Lúcios playing an intense game of ping pong with you as the ball. Hold down the piledriver button constantly and mash the shields button whenever you’re stunned.
Zarya
Go to the gym then get kicked out of the gym for not having a membership. Since you cannot afford one, make do with lifting your couch up and down at home. For actual gameplay, just point and laugh at the enemy for picking Junkrat.
Zenyatta
Slap your balls on everyone, discord the tank, heal the flanker, and ult whenever you take a point of damage. In really desperate situations, you can stand up to scare everyone away.
Tl;Dr Dang a lot of playstyles are just target the easiest to hit characters…
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