This week on 60 Minutes
Halfred Glitchbot is an esteemed Hollywood director know for his great movies such as Space Jam and Despacito 2.
He’s agreed to sit down to an interview where we ask him a variety of questions.
However, it won’t be just one person asking the questions!
Here’s every character asking Mr. Glitchbot their own question.
Offense
Doomfist: “Are you ever going to blur the lines between good and evil in your movies?”
Glitchbot: “I already have.”
Doomfist: “When?”
Glitchbot: “There was this one time where the main character donated millions of dollars to charity, but then he ate cereal with a fork.”
Doomfist: “You’re ridiculous.”
Glitchbot: “Ridiculously awesome.”
Genji: “Your ninja fight scenes are the best. How do you make them?”
Glitchbot: “I photoshop my characters’ faces onto fight scenes from Naruto.”
Genji: “That’s kinda lame.”
Glitchbot: “It isn’t when millions of people pay to watch it for two hours.”
McCree: “Is… is Jesse McCree really a terrible name for a cowboy?”
Glitchbot: “Do you want my honest opinion on that?”
McCree: “Not really.”
Glitchbot: “Too bad, it is.”
Pharah: “I’m a bag fan of your sports movies; have you considered adding some diversity to them?”
Glitchbot: “Such as?”
Pharah: “A character me and my very close friend Mercy can relate to.”
Glitchbot: “I thought I was going to have this conversation with the high-pitched Ellen rip-off.”
Pharah: “I meant a female lead character.”
Glitchbot: “Suuuuuuure.”
Reaper: “Your movies are too happy. Will you make some suited to my tastes?”
Glitchbot: “I’m assuming your tastes aren’t cringe complications about an angsty teenager unable to accomplish simple tasks?”
Reaper: “No.”
Glitchbot: “Well I’m not wasting all this footage I have of you failing to fight a monkey.”
Soldier 76: “Your war movies are nothing like actual war. Do you know what war actually feels like?”
Glitchbot: “I know it doesn’t feel like fighting a bunch of glorified calculators.”
Soldier 76: “It pushes you to your limits; it makes you lose all hope for humanity.”
Glitchbot: “I lost any hope for you guys the moment my barista gave me the wrong order.”
Sombra: “Can I be your lead actress for any movie I want?”
Glitchbot: “No you id-“
Sombra: hacks in Spanish
Glitchbot: “Of course, I would be an idiot not to hire such a talented person. Reaper and Widowmaker are stupid and ugly. They like to eat boogers.”
Sombra: “Thanks.”
Tracer: “Have you thought about adding diversity to your movies?”
Glitchbot: “Such as?”
Tracer: “A character me and my girlfriend Emily can relate to.”
Glitchbot: “I already have plenty of annoying side characters.”
Tracer: “That’s not what I meant.”
Glitchbot: “I know.”
Defense
Bastion: “Boop beep?”
Glitchbot: “What?”
Bastion: “Dwee dwee.”
Glitchbot: “Oh yeah, I plan on doing that in the very near future.”
Hanzo: “My clan owns a theater in Japan that can seat thousands of people. Will you premiere your next movie there if you do one thing for me?”
Glitchbot: “I will depending on the favor you want.”
Hanzo: “I want your next movie to be Japanese.”
Glitchbot: “No. I like watching my movies, not reading them.”
Junkrat: “Whoever said an Omnic could direct movies?”
Glitchbot: “The same person that thought it was okay for you to be born.”
Junkrat: “At least I was born, buckethead!”
Glitchbot: “At least I’m not the butt of every joke.”
Mei: “How much will tickets be to your next movie?”
Glitchbot: “I honestly don’t know, but I will make sure I’m the only one who can afford them.”
Mei: “Can you give me some free tickets?”
Glitchbot: “No, why don’t you ask your science friends for some?”
Mei: cries and runs away
Glitchbot: “It’s always the adorable ones.”
Torbjorn: “Whoever said an Omnic could direct movies?”
Glitchbot: “The same guy who could come up with an original question.”
Torbjorn: “Go back to the scrap heap.”
Glitchbot: “What? I can’t hear you from all the way down there.”
Widowmaker: “You’re movies are so low brow and stupid. How could you make such garbage?”
Glitchbot: “I make what the audience wants.”
Widowmaker: “Make something that actually has substance.”
Glitchbot: “Well I plan on making this movie about a French girl that kills her husband, turns into a smurf, and gets bossed around by an edgy teenager in a Halloween costume. It’s the sort of high brow thing snobby people like you can relate to.”
Tank
D.Va: “Have you seen Ready Player One?”
Glitchbot: “Yeah, that’s two hours of my life I’m never getting back.”
D.Va: “But it was so cool! There were so many video game references!”
Glitchbot: “If references determined quality, then the Big Bang Theory would actually be funny.”
Orisa: “There are too many children watching your adult movies. How are you going to stop them”
Glitchbot: “I can’t solve bad parenting.”
Orisa: “No, but can you put less nudity, gore, and swearing into your movies?”
Glitchbot: “I’m not going to water down my movies just because some irresponsible parents are offended.”
Orisa: “Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?”
Glitchbot: “No.”
Orisa: “Would you do it for two Scooby Snacks?”
Glitchbot: “…Rokay.”
Reinhardt: “Can the characters in your movie have giant muscles?”
Glitchbot: “The last time a director did that, we got the gayest movie of all time.”
Reinhardt: “Love, Simon?”
Glitchbot: “Top Gun.”
Roadhog: “I love your apocalyptic movies. Have you considered adding diversity to them?”
Glitchbot: “Such as?”
Roadhog: “A character me and my partner Junkrat can relate to.”
Glitchbot: “Remeber when that joke was funny? Yeah, me neither.”
Roadhog: “I meant crazy people.”
Glitchbot: “Seriousiy, why is Anahardt the only straight ship?!?”
Winston: “What is your favorite movie of all time?”
Glitchbot: “Honestly? Anything I make.”
Winston: “I personally love Rise of the Planet of the Apes.”
Glitchbot: “Who asked for your opinion? This interview is supposed to be about me!”
Winston: “Sorry about tha-“
Glitchbot: “Shut up you stupid excuse for a 2016 meme.”
Zarya: “Will you ever make an underdog movie about someone who worked their way up to winning a gold medal in the Olympics?”
Glitchbot: “That sounds cheesy and like an easy cash grab.”
Zarya: “Well do it anyways you pile of scra-“
Glitchbot: “I’ll do it, but only because I like money and you scare me.”
Support
Ana: “Why are all of your movies just bad sequels/reboots of the old, good ones?”
Glitchbot: “Out with the old, in with the new.”
Ana: “I’m old and I know nothing new could replace me.”
Glitchbot: “Is that why you’re picked so often?”
Brigitte: “I am somewhat annoyed by how none of the actors you hire can speak Swedish that well. Are you going to do anything about that?”
Glitchbot: “Is this about how nobody can say your name correctly?”
Brigitte: “No… yes.”
Glitchbot: “I’ll do it once the Swedish characters aren’t boring.”
Lucio: “Would you consider me for creating the soundtrack in any of your movies?”
Glitchbot: “Maybe. What kind of music do you make?”
Lucio: “Techno.”
Glitchbot: “Get out.”
Mercy: “Why are your movies so violent?”
Glitchbot: “I don’t know. I think it’s because of the influence from my co-workers, like the one that brings dead people back to life.”
Mercy: “Are you being suggestive, Mr. Glitchbot?”
Glitchbot: “The only suggestive thing here is that Witch costume.”
Moira: “Can I leave yet?”
Glitchbot: “We just started the interview.”
Moira: “I don’t care I’m leaving.”
Glitchbot: “Who do you think you are to just leave so rudely like that?!? That’s my job!”
…
Glitchbot: “I think I’m in love.”
Symmetra: “Have you ever watched Bollywood movies?”
Glitchbot: “Yes, I actually enjoyed them.”
Symmetra: “Really? I thought you would find them ridiculous.”
Glitchbot: “I do, but it makes me happy to watch something worse than my movies.”
Zenyatta: “Have you considered making a documentary about the Shambali?”
Glitchbot: “I already did one about Buddhism.”
Zenyatta: “Those aren’t the same thing.”
Glitchbot: “Oh yeah, I forgot that the Shambali’s members were overrated toasters.”
Next week on 60 Minutes
Jeff Kaplan answers all of the community’s questions.
Wait… nevermind that episode has been cancelled.
Next week on 60 Minutes
Bastion is questioned about his life.
Bastion: “Bwee?”
Tl;Dr Nerf Halfred Glitchbot
le gasp