I don’t know if you recall, but I identify as a recovering narcissist. I hesitate to use the phrase “former narcissist” for the same reason that a member of Alcoholics Anonymous who hasn’t touched alcohol in years still refers to themselves as an alcoholic. It’s something I still struggle with and always will.
To give you an idea of how bad I was, there’s a certain point in my life before which I don’t trust my own memories. I unironically would cover up my insecurities with lies to such an extent that I would believe my own BS and create versions of reality that didn’t actually happen. Teenage me was an Eric Cartman tier pathological liar.
So I have a lot of ambivalence for the idea that “narcissism is a spectrum.” I can see what you’re talking about, but particularly when you’re dealing with hardcore narcissists I feel like such an approach is extremely counterproductive. It’s not as if I was unfamiliar with the concept of narcissism as a young man, indeed in a way I gobbled up information about it. It’s just that, because I was a hardcore narcissist, I didn’t use that information for introspection at all. I used it as ammunition to gaslight anyone and everyone I was close to. I don’t think anyone enjoys accusing people of narcissism as much as hardcore narcissists enjoy accusing people of narcissism. (Note: this is a major issue regarding content creators who focus on narcissism as a topic. I suspect that hardcore narcissists make up the majority of their followers.)
And if everyone’s a little bit narcissistic, then the hardcore narcissist isn’t wrong to accuse you, are they? How do you argue back against the hardcore narcissist when they say yeah, they are a little narcissistic, but that’s normal?
Among relatively normal people, who are capable of introspection, I do think that there’s some validity to your “spectrum” perspective. Ultimately the nature of narcissism is that introspection is the only true solution. The problem is that the hardcore narcissist will resist any attempt to get them to introspect, except possibly the most severe. By which I mean hitting rock bottom. And not the level that feels like rock bottom when you first get there, but a few levels beyond that, where you feel like you’ve lost everything then you lose a whole lot more. That’s the type of situation that a hardcore narcissist needs to start thinking “you know what? Maybe I’m actually wrong about something.”
I believe that the best thing you can do for a hardcore narcissist is to defeat them. I believe this with a powerful conviction.
Thankfully, at some point my narcissistic personality disorder burnt all my bridges and landed me in the homeless shelter. Made me fail so hard I couldn’t help but give it a serious think. And praise Jeebus for that, because otherwise I’d probably still be an epic jerk. I mean, I probably am a bit of a jerk as is, but trust me, it could have been so much worse.
