Amadis, as there is only a limited ability to convey tone through text, please understand that what I am saying here is meant with compassion. Your personal story hit me like a sack of bricks, and there are aspects of it that I can relate to. I, too, felt a degree of alienation from my peers during my high school years (though for me, it was entirely a result of being socially inept). I, too, lost all motivation in college, and ultimately withdrew into myself and dropped out.
However, there was one element that stuck out to me that I
haven't personally experienced, but which
was familiar to me.
What I did comprehend, though, at the time, was a message I heard over and over again. I don’t remember who said this specifically to me, but I remember reacting at the age of seven to the message of “I always feel God’s love.” Whether you were white or otherwise, most everyone was Christian of one form or another, or Jewish. But at the age of seven, I looked around at the world after hearing that, and then looked inwards, and I realized… I didn’t. I didn’t feel God’s love. I didn’t understand these people. They looked content and happy from God loving them. Why didn’t I? I looked around, at the age of seven, and saw the world as very limited. There was no magic in this world. There were no super powers. There were no Yoshis or leaves that could give a racoon tail that would let you fly. Imagine, if you can, at the age of seven, looking around at the world, lacking a comprehension of how the rest of the world comprehended the world, but still saying to yourself: There is no God.
You didn't feel some ethereal sense of God's love, and you connected this with fantasy elements of the world that you knew from fiction. And while you didn't say this, I suspect that you also may have seen and recognized the falsehood of many superstitions. And in this, you concluded that there is no God, and that is where your depression began. You are not unique in this story; it's actually pretty common.
Romans 1:18-23:
For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
You speak of learning chemistry and physics and discovering the limits placed on the world. You know that when two people shake hands, it is literally
nothing touching nothing as the electrostatic fields bounding their atoms repulse each other. You know that the Earth revolves around the sun in
just such a way that its momentum and the sun's gravity counterbalance each other to create a perpetual slightly oblong orbit. You know that every day, hundreds of millions of people rocket around the world in metal boxes powered by explosions that we call "cars," and the vast majority get to their destinations none the worse for wear.
And in all of this, in all the wonder of the "limits" of the world, you see no God. And you're not alone in this, as I've quoted a letter to a church from nearly two millennia ago describing the same thing. Amadis, you don't see God because you don't want to see God.
A world without God would truly be a depressing place. And a world
with God but
without a Savior would be even worse. But fortunately we don't live in such a world. Amadis, I encourage you to seek out a Christian church in your area. One where the pastor and congregation actually believe that Jesus died and was bodily resurrected from the dead, and can tell you why that matters. I am not claiming this as some sort of instant cure for your depression. But I am claiming that you can come to know the love of God.