This bear welcomes you to this bears Teddy Talk.
This bear has noticed some confusion about the subject of Mooses. This bear wishes to clear up this confusion, as the Mooses are a favorite subject of this bear.
Mooses are wondrous creature, in stunning variety of shape, flavor, and smell, yes. Now This Bear knows, you are maybe to be thinking, “But This Bear, there is only one kind of Moose, with the horns that go wobbly-bobbly, and the large stompings”, and to that, this bear says - What kind of madness are you speaking? This bear has never seen such a creature. This bear doubts such a thing in fact exists, it sounds like Zhevra with glandular issues, frankly.
(Nothing against Zhevra, they will do in pinch for the eating.)
No, Mooses are not that. This bear knows of Mooses from long ago when This Bear was told as a calf of the glorious flavor of Moose at this bears Family Table in the Mulgore plains. It follows then that things which are delicious must be Mooses. If you are thinking otherwise, this bear asks that you take it up with This Bears Mother. This bear will send bandages.
I will now detail the various kinds of Mooses to be found in this bears favorite land, by which This Bear means…
The Mooses of the Barrens: A Brief Taxonomy
Barrens Tall-Moose
Is delicious, often yellow. Has long neck for the punching, mind the vicious kick. Did this bear mention delicious? It is.
Other salient Tall-Moose facts, hide can be used to make bag for keeping Moose Meat in, wasting not wanting not.
Barren Zappy Moose
Is VERY large. Smells faintly of cooked forge-metal. Very difficult to kill, but this bear is getting hang of it. Has plates on back for convenient serving. Is delicious, but this bear finds other moose to be deliciouser. But Happy Zappy Moose Hunting if spicy food is what you are enjoying.
Barrens Flappy Moose
Is not technically Moose, is winged snek. But is flappy and tasty, so am including. Sometimes carrying metal bracers for wearing, This bear is confused by this, Flappy Moose has no arms. Why is carrying bracers? Does use as Snek-Rings? bear has SO MANY questions for Flappy Moose, but is too late, bear has eaten it.
Barrens Moose-Clucker
Two legs, tastes like chicken. Has a head for to be pecking this bear in face. Stupid Clucker. This bear is not fan of Head Pecking. But This Bear IS fan of roasted Moose Cluckers. So is worth hunting, even with stupid Pecker-Heads.
Barrens Giggle-Moose
Hairy, is smelling like wet zhevra farts, hunts in packs. Laughs at this bear, until this bear punches giggle moose in head with this bears paw. One peeled, Giggles Mooses are quite delicious, if bit gamey. Do not listen if Giggle Moose asks to tell joke, always ends with same punchline…“And then we BITE you”. Is not funny joke.
Filthy Stupid Pig Men
IS NOT MOOSE. This bear cannot stress this enough, Are NOT edible. Stupid Hairy Pig Men taste of Forsaken Funk. Why are pig men stinking of Forsaken Funk? This bear has concerns. This bear is regretting taking contract from Angry Dumb Orc to kill hundreds of Pig Men. Smell will not come off. This bear must spend time in Oasis Pools, perhaps this bear will find better washing in caverns.
As you can see, there are many kind of Moose in the Barrens. This bear hopes you have found this educational and informative session to be of help in planning your barrens menu. This bear is available to host cooking class with various meats of Moose (To be clear, this bear cannot cook, you will teach the cooking, this bear will ensure there is Moosings to BE cooked.)
This Bear thanks you for coming to this bears Teddy Talk, is time for nap now.