Shield ready. Why? For the GLORY OF MENGSK OF COURSE.
As you’ve probably heard by now Marsaro, if you ever google “Why Chinese parents are the worst,” you’re able to find a lot of articles for that. It’s no different with mine.
Since I was barely even 7, they were little more than screaming maniacs. First off, they never allowed me to see anyone, claiming they’d all probably end up in jail in the future or something. Second, they always made all the decisions for me because “you’re just stupid 2 year old retard who knows jack squat.” This is a process that continued from my elementary school years, to middle and high school, past college, and even up to today.
They always forced me onto a path I didn’t want. I didn’t choose the engineering path because I WANTED it, I only did it because had I chosen not to, there’s the risk of being thrown out. This is something you see very common with Chinese families: the SLIGHTEST provocation would immediately bring savage reprisals. In other words, they’re just the Oriental version of the N@zis.
Now, as many years later I read up online, doing this to your kid would eventually turn him into a numbed out robot, incapable of independent thought and only knowing how to do as he’s told VERBATIM. Furthermore, by raising the kid using nothing but fear, threats, and blackmail, the kid will be unable to take any risks, including those VITAL to growing up and life development.
Thus by the time I reached the college level (this was in Seattle, WA btw), within 3 years I was kicked out because my performance sucked as I was unable to think for myself. In addition that marked the first time I had to make decisions of my own.
Think about it: in the beginning, ALL of our decisions ended badly because we had no experience. But if someone kept making the decisions for you (like my family did), then you NEVER gained the experience necessary, and every time a decision comes, the 1st thing I’d think is “it’s someone else’s job to make the decision for me. I just follow.”
Upon being kicked out and had to return home to southern CA, I was again endlessly berated for the whole “I have NEVER seen such a total failure in life.” It was no different than their rants of “You spineless coward! Be a man!” Which, as you can see, is hypocrisy because you CANNOT become a man under the circumstances where if you so much as even THINK of raising your voice, it’ll be savage retribution.
Bottom line: “Courage” is just a WORD. You cannot actually develop it without the right conditions.
It was why when I finally DID graduate in 2011, I was utterly alone (remember the whole threat of isolation). And because of such threats, it was the reason (as I first told Kelthar on skype) I had to move into the retail business.
Even there, there were those who said “This guy is extremely loyal. When you ask him to do something, he does it without question. You don’t even hear a peep of protest from him.”
Again, here it shows the whole hypocrisy in my family. On one hand, they repeatedly said “You have to learn when to say no.” On the other, saying that to them immediately brings savage reprisals.
Furthermore, they never tolerated my opinions. During the times where I gave them mine (even when I was in my mid 20s), their response is always “You’re just some stupid 2 year old j@ck@ss who knows sh*t, so your opinion doesn’t count.”
Getting angry with them also doesn’t work, because of the threat of being cut off and thrown out, and also via the response of “You’re just some 2 year old whiner throwing a tantrum.”
The same is true for criticizing them. All I get is a smack in the face (usually mentally, but occasionally physically too) and the berating of “How dare you accuse me!”
What this means is that for more than 2 decades I’ve had this rage and anger bottled up in me, with nowhere to vent it. According to what I’ve read online, this is also a reason why so many Chinese kids end up becoming overweight and quickly getting diabetes, because you’re not allowed to express such feelings, so therefore you have to “eat your feelings.”
By the time I worked in that job since Dec 2011, I was happy with it. However as so few retail is full time anymore, it was necessary to find a roommate. Here once again came my parents’ fear and threats phrases:
Basically they were saying “What makes you think you can find someone else? And even if you do, the slightest thing you do wrong, they’ll throw you out. And don’t expect to come back to us, because you’re the one who chose this roommate to begin with.”
Today I realized this was also hypocrisy. The cost of living is too high, and therefore people have to be more tolerant. Kelthar explained something similar to me some time ago via skype.
But the contradictions still remained: one one hand, they were saying “You do this, you won’t last a month before you come crawling back.” On the other, they refused to allow me back because of that choice. In other words, the whole move out is an “all or nothing” gamble.
Now, others would say “But you’re over 30 now. Surely you can start standing up to them.”
AGE has nothing to do with it. EXPERIENCE does. I’ve known people who said they’ve known Chinese children who are in their early 50s now with their own families now and still don’t have the nerve to stand their parents, because their parents are still going “You cannot see that far in the future. You can’t predict that at some point your situation would collapse and therefore you’d have to crawl back to me.” Which is also very similar to what MINE said to me.
In addition there’s also the whole darwinistic mentality: to them, “only the weak and the cowards rely on others, so if you have to rely on someone else, then you’re too weak and therefore unworthy to survive in this world.”
This brings me to the next contradiction: basically on one hand, they stressed for me to eventually find someone and have a family. On the other, they repeatedly drilled into me (this is before I was even 10) that “there’s no such thing as someone else.”
Similarly, on one hand, they constantly stressed (before I was even 10) of how sick they were of me being a burden. On the other hand, repeatedly using fears and threats to tell me that society is so terrifying out there that “you’ll never escape my leash.”
Now Marsaro, recall back around Feb 2016 I just walked away from here. It was because at that time, they once again threatened to force me into a path I didn’t want, saying they’d throw me out if I didn’t take it. It was why I had to find another retail job. Sure, the combined jobs only landed about 40 hours a week, but when they’re all graveyard and early morning back to back, it’s just too exhausting to do anything else. And THAT is why I walked away from here back then.
However because of their continued threats (I had hoped that by having two jobs they’d finally shut up on the matter, but they didn’t) and nowhere to vent, well let’s just say I was kicked from my first one, which again led to them with the whole “I knew it. You were just too damn stupid to do anything.”
But by then I had gotten used to not being here, and was simply doing other things instead. Not that my remaining job is much, but it’s better than nothing.
The bottom line here is that I’ve basically lived in a mental JAIL my whole life. When you, Kelthar, and Retlo said you tried helping me to become better, it wasn’t that I didn’t want your help, it’s that your help is no use against them. What needed to happen was for someone to help me via the whole roommate situation, only THEN could I actually do something.
Now, bringing this story into the SC2 lore, THIS is the reason why despite everything you, Retlo, Gradius, Stratos, BentOne and others have tried to explain, I couldn’t fully turn against what Blizzard did to Kerrigan’s character.
To be kicked around virtually your whole life, I understood that. I experienced it. Sure it’s only mental, but that’s every bit as damaging as physical.
To have your mentality warped and morality clouded because of constant abuse? I understood that. I experienced that too. I understood that it’d also mean once you DO finally have the means to retaliate, you’d go crazy and do it to almost everyone. This is no different than how it is in my family, where they’re still going with “You think we’re hard? Just you wait until you step out into society! You’ll see everyone else on the planet is 10 times worse!”
I therefore understood the whole abuse and the desire for retribution mentality, and how it would end up making you go crazy. You have to have actually lived the circumstances in order to understand it a bit better.
NOW I hope you can see my POV on all this, Marsaro…
That’s a tough read. But good thing you got it sorted out in your mind. What’s the roomie situation anyway?
…
Also, given that you just poured your heart out here, I believe I owe a short introduction.
Czech republic, male, med student, fan of lot of stuff in SC2 (e.g. Haven’s Fall), critic of lot of stuff in SC2 (e.g. Safe Haven), Marsaro’s bro in going off-topic and destroying Charmed.
…
On the Starcraft topic. You have a pretty valid point here. It doesn’t make Kerrigan’s actione justified, but it makes it understandable.
That’s just the point here, and why I’m desperately reaching out to people online. However crazy it sounds, it’s all I have left. Regarding your Q, let’s just say there’s like 3 or 4 people who I’ve been in contact with for like 5 years already. My hope is one of them can help me.
But again, the problem here is MY case is an “all or nothing” gamble. They’re not happy with my family being THIS inflexible and unwilling to compromise. Don’t forget, nowadays because of the living cost, once you DO get a roommate, you’re with that person pretty much forever (because neither can walk away due to the money problem). But to do that literally the first time upon meeting, that’s harder to say.
I’m actually surprised you got rid of Charmed, Skehan. I was around when he posted his views on Kerrigan’s character and what Blizzard did. I didn’t fully agree with what he said, as they were usually out of character or just way too optimistic, but I never felt they were 100% BS either.
As far as the room mate situation goes, it depends a bit on where you are, but there are usually resources available to help filter out people you don’t like or cant live with.
I think it got worse after you left, but Charmed would literally just make things up on the spot and declare them canon. I remember at one point they literally linked a DeviantArt alignment chart (not from one of the official artists or writers mind you) calling Kerrigan Lawful Good as “proof” that she was actually the hero the entire time.
Interesting. But my point remains as to why I never fully turned on what Blizzard did to her character. Being abused and kicked around your whole life is SUPPOSED to make you messed up, make immoral decisions, etc.
I always thought that the problems with HotS in particular were far more of communication than the fundamental story foundation.
shrugs Right now I want to hear from the others, like Marsaro, Bentone, Gradius, Retlo, etc, and see if they can see what I was getting at via that really long post.
I chose to stay out of this the moment you outright told everyone here that you have issues going on IRL. I’m not comfortable with this since helping people deal with their issues is something I know jack shyt about. However, I got the gist of it. Your parents suck, and you relate to the Kerrigan character based on your own personal experiences. All I will say is that I hope it all works out for ya.
And even though Charmed has pretty much disappeared, we still got Ravianna around. 
Even now, I keep seeing him pop in ready to reply over these past few minutes wondering if he’s actually going to go through with posting or not. Honestly, I find it kinda creepy that you can actually see the people that are about to post.
crosses Retlo off the reply list One down, now to wait for the others.
Yes, I’m still around. lol. Reason I don’t post that much is because pretty much everything’s already been said. Maybe when I play through the Nova mission pack I’ll have more to say. lol
You do that, Ravianna.
It doesn’t. World isn’t just rainbows and unicorns.
Well… we’re here for ya, if that counts as something.
Regarding Charmed, what Kelthar said. Also he crossed the line at certain points. At some point Mar ironically applied his reasoning to Mengsk and since then we started “Church of Mengsk” to counter him. Fun times.
I see. Now, praying that someone on the other side of that might answer may seem crazy, but I refuse to accept it’s completely out of the question. The cost of living today means it’s almost impossible to do it alone anymore. People have to work together for that.
Now look Skehan, my point still remains: I cannot and will not completely turn against what Blizzard did to Kerrigan’s character because of my personal experience. What she did in HotS and LotV merely ran along similar lines, and Blizzard merely put it on a higher scale.
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Damn, that’s intense. I definitely see where you’re coming from with the mental prison thing.
I’d get out of that situation ASAP, which I’m sure you’re trying, but still. The world isn’t as scary a place as your parents would have you believe.
Gradius, my point remains: you can’t actually develop the courage necessary to go against them unless you have some means to back it up.
For example, if someone offered me a place as roommate and everything, then yes I’d have a better chance of saying that to their faces. But without that, it’s not exactly doable.
And THAT is the reason behind why all these years, while I did grow more critical of Kerrigan’s character, you didn’t turn me completely against the matter. I know what it’s like to be kicked around and abused your whole life.
I hope you can understand my view.
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By the way Gradius, do you still remember when you read my SC fic Aftermath and Revelations, and how you saw it was a good way to bridge WoL and HotS?
After hearing my story, you’re probably asking “Rag, if you lived in a mental prison literally your WHOLE LIFE, then how were you able to write such a fic to begin with?”
It’s like this: 99.9% of the time, my family did indeed interfere, hence it left me in a numbed-out robot state, unable to make independent thought.
The video game area of my life (despite being small) is among the 0.1% that they did NOT interfere with.
So, you can argue you didn’t exactly agree with what I said, but it’s the reason why I’m at least able to make some better arguments in this field.
Actually, my situation is not far different from yours, my parents love me, but they have no idea how to show it. I’ve been living under constant threat, too. It really mess up my head. Only that for me, I’m unable to read between the line, understand social cue or just other’s feeling in general.
I guess I could tell you that their threat is emptied. They will yell at you, but they won’t abandon you for real. So the fear of being total cut-off is wrong. (Not irrational, mind you.)
I know this isn’t much of a consolation, but people like us are generally easy to live with. We aren’t very demanding, plus we’re quite resilient. You have lived under emotional distress your whole life, from the people who suppose to care for you; what is the worst everyone else can do to irritate you? As long as your roommate is not some criminal, I doubt that you will have much problem. However, if I were to you suggest you a criteria, maybe find someone else with the same family background, you’re not alone in this. Trust me, you cannot go wrong with that kind of person.
Lastly, don’t wait until you achieve something until you start speaking up against your parents. If you do, it will always be a day away. Just do it now. It’s so freaking scary, but it will never get easier; so might as well get it over with. Just remember despite everything they still love you enough to ‘care’ for you all these years. They will get upset. They will emotionally abuse you. They will emotionally put me to hell. They might even physically hit me, but they won’t throw me out for real.
Although, your parents are not mine… I’m not sure how much of this actually applied to yours.
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My deepest condolences. I have no idea what else to say.
I know what you mean. And finding someone else with a similar background is something I had done a few years back. But even for that person so far it looks like it’s still at least a year or something like that away before anything can be achieved.