I need to own up about my recent behavior

General Discussion
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…both in-game and here on the forums. (Disclaimer: This will be a long one. Bear with me.)

People value and prioritize different things… for me, accountability is king. I spent much of my life as a career victim, refusing to hold myself responsible for my failures. It didn’t work. You can’t run from the consequences of your actions; you either nip them in the bud now or they come back later with interest. As of late, I haven’t been taking my own advice, and it’s past time for me to address that.

In game my behavior has become irredeemably toxic. My reactions, the things I say to people, the assumptions I make… The moment I leave the match, my disgust with my teammates is replaced by tenfold disgust with myself. I say and do things I can’t ever justify. I won’t go into details to save the Mods some work, but if you happen to have been matched with me in the last month or so… God, I’m sorry. I don’t care who you are or how you played, you didn’t deserve to deal with that.

What’s worse; my anger and toxicity from the game itself has bled in to my interactions here on the forums. I’ve become aggressive, discriminatory, and degrading towards people who, in some cases, hadn’t even done anything to deserve it. Even my “CATCHPHRASE” shtick that a lot of folks on here have come to love has been abused. Rather than the silly, light-hearted recurring gag it started as, I’ve unwittingly turned it into a weapon; a bullying tool against people with whom I disagree, regardless of the actual merit of their opinions and arguments. That’s absolutely inexcusable. I offer no justification for it, only an apology.

This isn’t in any way meant as an excuse for my actions, but simply for perspective: I suffer from a psychological disability known as Borderline Personality Disorder, which runs in my family. As the name implies, my personality can shift into a volatile, explosive state at a moment’s notice (among numerous other symptoms.)

Some of you have seen what both sides of that coin look like. Humorous and supportive one moment, then furious and hateful the next. I sometimes come back to the forums the day after a night of posting, only to find that I hardly recognize myself in the things I’ve said to people. It’s like a completely different person. Sometimes it’s just terrifying seeing all the damage a single outburst caused, all the pain I inflicted in such a short time. This is, unfortunately, an event I’ve relived over and over again my entire life.

I’ve come a long way in exercising awareness and containment of my symptoms, but even well into my 20’s I’ve got a long way to go yet. Even as hard as it is, though, it’s my burden to bear, not everyone else’s. I said before that I believed accountability is king; that holds true for this as well. None of you deserve to deal with the problem I was given. It’s for me to handle, and if I can’t handle it, then I need to back off and stay away until I can. I’m not going to allow myself to become the Dafran of the forums.

For some of you, this entire post will probably come straight out of left field. I’ve got some friends and some admirers here, certainly, and many of them haven’t witnessed the behaviors I’m talking about. Take my word for it; I haven’t been up to snuff lately. And to those of you here that enjoy my presence on the forums, I have a favor to ask:

Don’t defend me when I’m wrong. Don’t back me up when I’ve backed myself into a corner. It is, to me, especially important that those who value me are willing to keep me in check; to call me on my BS. No one worth respecting ever got there by listening to yes-men. If I’m wrong, and you know it, tell me. Don’t be afraid to hurt my feelings; if my mistakes don’t hurt I won’t learn from them.

My past has been… rough, to say the least, as some of you may know. But that doesn’t change what I have to do here in the present. I need to stand up, own up, and grow up. I can only hope that those of you I’ve hurt in-game and on the forums can come to forgive me as I work to be better.

I’m going to be uninstalling the game for the foreseeable future until I’ve confirmed with certainty that I can behave properly. I’ll remain active on the forums, but I’m going to be putting a lot more effort into restraining myself and my symptoms. Y’all deserve better from me, and I intend to deliver.

If you’ve read through all of this, thank you. I hope you’ll keep catching what I’m phrasing.

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I’m sorry for your regret. Toxicity to me is a problem that will never be solved by one simple answer. We’re human. We hate when we are faced with defeat in something we are passionate about.

I assure you that your battle against MPD will be a long and tough one. Allow me to tell you a story, my story. When I was young, I was in Special Education and Occupational Therapy. My parents worried for my safety and my future every day. “Would he ever face the real world?”, “I don’t know what he’ll be.”

By 6th Grade, I moved from Public to Private School. My parents hoped that I would prove myself that I was responsible and prepared for a world many teachers thought I wasn’t ready for. Through Private School from 6th Grade to High School, I was one of the top in my class. I was in NHS, got an advanced regents diploma, and then went to one of the gratest Criminal Justice schools in Manhattan.

Mental disabilities are difficult to battle, but with confidence and hope you can overcome the greatest of challenges. I hope that you return to Overwatch sooner or later and I wish you best of luck, like my parents wished me best of luck with my problems.

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Me too. I got so angry yesterday when I got blamed for us getting rolled by being Zen and not “JJonak-ing” the enemy Genji who dashed into me and killed me 1 TIME, in fact, it was the first enemy push!

I played the rest of the game tilted because after that first death, they all asked me to go Rein so the hog could play Brig. I did it and it was horrible. My shield was getting melted instantly and I was getting blamed for not keeping it up, we had Brig and Lucio healing and the enemy Tracer was going unchecked and kept clipping and ulting me from behind. It was horrible.

I was so angry because I don’t even like to play Rein and I lost SR because I was getting blamed for trying my best on a character I don’t like to play.

At least you apologized, I’m gonna just pick Sym and Sombra because I like to play them and turn off team chat because I’ll become extremely verbally toxic as well.

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Reported for toxicty and cited this thread.

Enjoy your vacation…

jk. :wink:

P.S. In the end you will find as you age you will likely tend less towards such actions, 95%+ of the toxicity in this game I have experienced is from players under 30. You can tell their age from their vocab and attitude, its extremely typical.

Good luck being a better person though, it will pay off, not in game but inside.

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That takes some real 'nads. Saying that doesn’t really do it justice, but I don’t know how else to put it.

The fact that you’ve gone this far to publicly apologise shows that you’re already learning from your mistakes.

Because that’s what they are; mistakes. We all make them. I’m not going to sit here and pretend to be a saint that’s always unbias and amicable. And I can’t speak for everyone but I’m sure the overwhelming majority of the forumites are in the same boat.

And I understand that this is different. If you’ve got BPD then it’s a little more than just someone getting tilted on the internet and acting out of line. The point I’m making is that that doesn’t make you a bad person. Making a mistake, or 2, or 200 doesn’t define you. You are defined by how you respond to your mistakes and… well, this is about as good as responses get.

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Having parents would have been nice. Might’ve gotten a headstart on much of this.

I appreciate your support, and your willingness to share your experience.

I have BPD, not MPD.

Despite how it’s named, Multiple Personality Disorder isn’t a personality disorder; it’s an identity disorder. It’s a common misunderstanding, though, don’t worry.

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Wanna play some Borderlands? I just started the pre-sequal but I’m also always up for good ol’ no. 2.

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I’m schizo.
Crazy also runs in my family.
Borderlands 2 helped.

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catchphrase forever

i havent ever experienced that side of you

if someone is wrong, ill tell them, and if someone is right, ill tell them

you have DID? i didnt know that

dude, recognizing that you have a problem is the first step in recovery (or whatever youd like to call this). But remember - we’re human. making mistakes is what we do. nobody successful ever got to where they are without messing up at least once. everybody messes up - its how you fix the problem is how it defines you. thats what will make you stand out and be unique. the fact that you recognize that you need to change your behavior says a lot about you already. I believe in you man. if you ever feel angry or annoyed with someone/yourself, talk it out with someone (or anyone you trust)

and if im not getting bamboozled out here, mental disabilities are difficult to deal with, and its okay to talk to someone or to admit that you need help. it doesnt make you weaker as a person or anything.

welp i need to go back to studying

good luck man <3

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[Cries in CATCHPHRASE]

Thank you.

Y’know, I never did get around to doing any of the DLC campaigns…

Bruh if you tell me you’re a fellow Krieg main I will hug you until you explode.

That was a misunderstanding, actually… Borderline Personality Disorder. Unrelated to MPD/DID.

Thanks, dude. I appreciate it.

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That’s too bad dude.
See you around if you come on back.

If you do, I found by instantlocking DPS, but filling 10sec before the doors open, it removes a lot of the emotional burden of always playing Tank.

Also maybe look into talking to medical professionals.

If I had to guess, I’d also try looking into a LowCarb diet. A lot of medical science has been showing it had strong mood regulating effects. Google: Reddit Keto, for tons of stuff on it.
Ketogenic Diets for Psychiatric Disorders: A New Review | Psychology Today

Also I’d found I tend to get more aggro when I’m not hydrated properly. Drink lots of water, more than you think you need.

Also try to take more walks, and get proper nutrition.

For supplements. D,Zinc,Magnesium are super important.
And if you can, especially look into taking vitamin D, zinc orotate (most bioavailible), magnesium L-Threonate (most available), and I personally used Jarrow’s Sleep Optimizer for melatonin etc.
Also couldn’t hurt to get some L-Theanine as well (i.e. Tea extract).

Also, if you have the finances for it, try seeing if you can find a therapist. Or at a minimum try keeping a Journal (I’m guilty of not knowing how to do this).

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Yup, he’s the best! I play him as either explosive melee or elemental melee.

So you also main the blood boi?

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ah okay

makes sense

still the point stands

i hope you get better (so to say) soon

maybe one day ill be able to play with/against you in gm lol (d o u b t)

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well i mean, its a mental disorder, so things like that may not work consistently/in the long run

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Can confirm :point_up:

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Ever the expert, I see. Thanks, Grey. I value your advice.

Yep, Manic/Explosive build almost exclusively. If I’m not in my ult 100% of the time, I’m doing it wrong.

Ha! No. I am merely rankless, tryhard QP scum, and if I played ranked I’d prolly hardcap at Diamond anyway.

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I’m sorry to hear that you suffer from a condition.

I, too, suffer from a condition that affects my everyday life.

That being said, I really do wish all the best for you. Everyone deserves a second chance at everything, and I hope to see you back in Hollywood.

Best of luck, and safe travels, wherever the road may take you.

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You know, if you hadn’t said anything, I just would have shrugged them off. That said, it does explain a few posts… But alas. We all have our moments, don’t we?

Don’t worry man. Acknowledging your past errors are the first steps towards a better future. Any battle against your own mind is going to be a difficult one to face. But, if there is a will, there is a way to improve. And you have a pretty big will, by the looks of it.
Just keep doing what you need to do. You will always have support from someone somewhere. Even if there are times you won’t be able to see them.
Alright then. I’ll leave you be. Now, I must prepare…

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And that’s why I mention Keto specifically. It powers the brain differently (with beta-hydrolbutrate instead of glucose), and a lot of the calming mechanics involved as similar to the effect of taking Lithium.

Also a lot of the things involved with nerve disorders are related to nueron firing, which is why Keto is effective at dealing with things like epilepsy, which is also a related issue.

But yeah, maybe it wouldn’t work, but at worst he’s going to have a surplus of brain energy given that it’s more efficient at creating ATP.

(And yes that was mostly just me spamming “catchphrases” I picked up in learning if that diet would cause serious harm to me. Turns out you actually want larger cholesterol molecules.)

But yeah, first and foremost tho, talk to professionals.

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wait what??
i thought you were in gm