Alright, everyone, gather ‘round because I’ve got the truth. This whole ‘primal drop issue’? Oh no, it’s not just bad RNG. We’re talking a coordinated effort by Leviathan and his crew. Think about it—who benefits the most from our frustration? THEM. They’re secretly on Blizzard’s payroll, running an underground operation to sabotage Diablo 3 drop rates. Why? To drive us into the arms of Diablo 4, where, spoiler alert, you’ll need to sacrifice your firstborn for a decent legendary.
But wait! This goes so much deeper. You think Blizzard’s HQ in Irvine is just an office? WRONG. It’s actually the tip of a massive underground alien base that connects directly to Area 51. Leviathan and his buddies are just the public face of an intergalactic cabal running the real RNG algorithms from a secret server on the dark side of the moon. Don’t believe me? Then why does RNG feel like it’s being controlled by some kind of otherworldly force? Because it IS.
And speaking of the moon—don’t let NASA fool you. The moon landing was obviously fake, not because of politics, but because Blizzard didn’t want anyone seeing their secret Diablo-themed moon colony. That’s right, all those missing primal drops? They’re being hoarded in vaults up there, along with unreleased footage of Deckard Cain rapping in a D3 expansion we’ll never get. (RIP, Deckard, but I’m onto you.)
AND ANOTHER THING—Mars. Don’t even get me started on Mars. They’ve been testing Diablo 5 mechanics up there for years. Why do you think Elon Musk is so obsessed with space? It’s not for science; it’s because he’s grinding out Paragon levels IRL. His ‘Starship’ project? That’s just a glorified loot goblin that’ll dump primals when it lands. The SpaceX logo? Turn it sideways, and it’s CLEARLY an ‘X’ marking the spot for a hidden stash of unobtainable primals. It’s all connected!
But I digress. My point is, this isn’t just RNG trolling us. It’s a galactic conspiracy, orchestrated by Leviathan, Blizzard, and probably Jeff Bezos too, because why not? The next time you see a treasure goblin portal, don’t go through it—it’s probably a trap leading straight to Diablo 4’s cash shop. And if you hear weird noises coming from your PC while farming rifts? That’s Blizzard’s moon base tracking your every move.
WAKE UP, PEOPLE! The truth is out there, just like my missing primal hand crossbow that rolled with the worst stats imaginable. Coincidence? I think NOT.